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Dear Diary – I’m living the dream. Wanna know how? I’ve learned to set the bar low. Today I rocked air guitar in the shower. I am living the dream!

Dear Diary – After the fiasco that was last week, my new credit card arrived Friday. Too bad it was not the replacement for the cancelled card, but the old card with a new expiry date. I still have to wait for the new card. [Note: new card arrived Monday…now I can pay some bills!]

Dear Diary – So another birthday flew by and I’m another year closer to death.

They guys gave a new Fitbit wristband. It’s pink and much more attractive than the one I had tied together with an elastic band. They also gave me a new cake pan that can make a giant letters or a set of numbers. I think I’ll make a “25” for my birthday next year.

I’m not old…I’m 25 plus shipping and handling.

Big Guy isn’t able to visit so he surprised me with breakfast from Cora’s. I enjoyed a buckwheat crepe with fresh strawberries and English cream, in bed!

We ordered in pizza for supper – both pies had lots of bacon!

I spent a lot of timing working on my cake again this year. Last year I did a pink sparkling champagne wine cake with pale pink rosettes in buttercream. This year I went with a vanilla cake with a twist…I made it purple. It looked so pretty in Pinterest.

The funny thing is, I don’t even really like purple!

While mine looked pretty too, the only flavour came from the sickly sweet buttercream icing, and it made a huge cake. Good thing I have a friend who is also asking, “did you bake this weekend?”.

Dear God –
Please make me skinny. But if you don’t want to make me skinny…please make my friends fat. Amen

Dear Diary – Hubby came home today with new equipment for work…but he still has the equipment he’s been using since last March. More and more, my dining room table is starting to resemble the bridge of the Starship Enterprise!

Beam me up, Scottie!

Dear Diary – It was Week #3 of my Intro to Writing humour course. During class, we were given 2 in-class assignments. In the first one, we had to fill in the blanks. Some of the questions were…

What if —————— ruled the world?

What if your ————————- wanted to kill you?

What if you are actually a ——————— instead of a person?

Absurdity was strongly encouraged.

Then we had to pick one and write a sketch outline where one thing leads to the next.

I was too embarrassed to share in class.

What if there was a tiny elephant living in your underpants?
It would be hard to go ask someone on a date because the elephant would get bored when you’re just standing and talking and it would start to roam around your underpants.
You would start to dance so the person you’re talking to doesnt’ see it roaming around your underpants and start to freak out.
Then you would start to sweat and the temperature in your underpants would rise. The elephant would start to get too hot and would begin to complain loudly.
You don’t want your potential date to think you’re farting so you try to discreetly slip some peanuts in your underpants.
But then your potential date catches you dropping peanuts in your underpants, so you point behind her to try to distract her.
Meanwhile the elephant would smell the peanuts and get really upset because he didn’t get any peanuts, and he begins to bellow. It sounds like a giant rump trumpet.
By now, a crowd has gathered to watch you dancing and trumpeting, and crushing peanuts under your feet. And you would realize that you and your tiny elephant would forever be alone.
You would run away to the park where you could be alone with your thoughts and feed your elephant peanuts. But then a police officr would catch you with your hand in your underpants and arrest you.
Instead of being alone, you and your tiny elephant would be making new friends in prison.

For the second assignment, we had to pitch a parody that used people and/or a familiar scene that would be familiar to most people. The best I could come up with was “ Hell’s Kitchen: Nerds & Birds” edition. Or the less popular title, “Boogers & Cougars”!

I was too embarrassed to share that idea too!

Dear Diary – It’s always fun to read old Facebook posts. In 2011, I had posted “M & I were lined up at Wal-Mart, and the woman in line ahead of me today pressed some change into my hand to buy M a choclate bar. Her grandsons are grown and she missed giving ‘surprise treats’!”

In 2016, I wrote “So one of my children informed me (out of the blue) that I won’t be getting the Best Mom of the Year award this year because some of my stories are ‘too gross’.”

Yesteday I ate lunch with that same child and I was feeling pretty good. I smiled at him. That was my first mistake. Then I said something witty. That was my second mistake. He gave me a dirty look and told me that this lockdown is hard enough and he has to live here too. He said, “you would make it easier for me if you were less you“.

I bit my tongue. Sure, it stung! What mother wants to hear that her offspring finds her repulsive. On the other hand, teenager! I wanted to retort right back that it would be easier for me if he was less “him”. Or to launch into a rant about how we are uniquely made and I’m an original. Or the less mature route of sticking my tongue out and making a face at him. Instead, I smiled sweetly, with a sparkle of mischief in my eyes. Let him figure out what I was thinking. Good things come to those who sweat…

Go ahead! Underestimate me…That’ll be fun!

Unknown

Dear Diary – I missed National Naked Gardening Day. On the positive side, it was a little chilly to be out for long on Saturday, even in a heavy coat. On the negative side, I missed scaring Thunder Nugget next door. I figured, if she’s going to scream and thunder around the house all day, I might as well give her something to scream about!

Dear Diary – I’m scheduled to be shot at High Noon on Mother’s Day!

For weeks, we’ve been a rose between two thorns…or rather, between two “hot spots” for Covid. We’ve finally arrived and I get my vaccination. Being immune-compromised wasn’t a good enough reason to offer it to me.

I’m not stupid enough to believe that life will return to normal any time soon, but getting my vaccination does feel like a step in the right direction!

I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it
I’m about to lose control and I think I like it!

The Pointer Sisters, I’m So Excited