The Raging Inferno of My Youth…


Warning: Today’s topic is mostly for the ladies (and perhaps a few brave men). Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

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I have always loved summer. I love the warmer weather, the lighter clothes, and the slower pace. I appreciate a break from regular routines and dire deadlines.

At least I did…until this year.

While I’m still enjoying the sunshine, the sundresses and the slow schedules, I’m getting sick of the heat.

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I haven’t been able to putter in my garden (most of it has turned to dust). I haven’t been able to enjoy a good book on the back porch. I haven’t even been able to enjoy a good night’s sleep. Even when I was on vacation.

I think it’s because Mother Nature isn’t the only one who is menopausal. I’ve been trying to convince my doctor for a few years now, that even though I’m barely in my 40’s, my biological clock battery is running low. This year, as I sat in her office, sweating through my paper dress before her very eyes, she believed me!

It’s bad enough I’m struggling to accept 1) my 3 gray hairs that keep coming back and bringing friends; 2) weight gain just by thinking about dessert; and,3) the pain in my toes heralding the approaching end of high heels. It would seem that I am acquiring a new set of tell-tale signs in the next stage of aging…

  • Night sweats

I sleep alone and yet, I still wrestle with temperature control.

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I have trouble going to sleep. I have trouble staying asleep. By 6 a.m. I’m finally heading into a deep sleep and my alarm goes off. I hear every little noise; I worry about the craziest things.

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  • Mood changes

There’s a fine line between love and homicide, and I’ve had increasingly “homicidal” days. This week I thought about quitting my job and taking up pole dancing…then I remembered that I’m fat, I have the upper body strength of a fairy, and I can’t really dance.

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I have less patience with people and increasingly I feel more like a “secretary with a crossbow” at work. I congratulate myself at the end of the day because I haven’t beaten anyone with a chair…maybe my people skills are improving? I suppose that’s better than feeling sorry for myself – I don’t have the patience for that either!

Maybe I should put this sign up:

"Attack Pig" Sign

  • Weight gain and slowed metabolism

I’m on a low-fat diet…my fat hangs lower every year. And while guys still notice my boobs, they have to bend forward to see them. My doctor was impressed that not only have I maintained my weight since 2011, I’ve lowered it a bit every year…which makes me wonder more and more what is in my closet that makes my clothes shrink?

  • Memory Loss

I forgot was I going to say…

  • Dry skin

It’s bad enough that my snow white gams are blinding on a cloudy day…or at midnight, but now they’re white and flaky too. It’s like leg dandruff, and that’s. not. sexy.

  • Verbal Incontinence

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Do I need to say more?

  • Hot flashes (or power surges)

I would love a smoking body, but this is not what I had in mind. I am developing 2 temperature settings – hypothermia and hell! Some would suggest I consider it a mini vacation in the tropics…but it’s still only my living room, and I still can’t wear a bikini (they’ve outlawed whaling). I would happily strip in a snowbank if I wasn’t afraid of getting arrested for indecent exposure. I’ve watched “Orange is the New Black” – I’m not strong enough for prison! I might not mind so much if the heat melted off some extra fat, particularly around my knees, elbows and “bingo wings“. Just how does one “de-chubbify” ones’ knees and elbows? But …

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Time is not only no longer on my side; it has totally defected. It sucks!

I’ve considered developing a long-term relationship with Mr.Bubble, Dr. Pepper and Henry (O Henry!), except that I’m afraid to take baths and Dr. Pepper ‘s caffeine doesn’t help the sleep situation. That leaves Henry (O Henry!) and I feel guilty every time I cheat on Hubby.

But if my eyebrows start migrating to my chin, all bets are off! Dad, I’m gonna need more of these!

Emergency Chocolate

Yup! It’s the beginning of “the raging inferno of my youth going up in flames”!

Everybody look out!

(And have a happy weekend!)🙂

Wilderness Wednesday: Walk in the Park


I stole 20 minutes last Friday before I had to pick Little Guy up from camp…but it was hot! I really wanted a photo of the “avenue” in the park – it was so pretty in the morning light. But by the afternoon, the “avenue” was full of town trucks, filling up at the watering station, guys visiting with one another in the final moments of their week. I went for a walk anyway, but just like me, the few flowers that were out, were wilting.

I wonder if the models at the photo shoot I passed, were wilting too?

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“The most important thing is to try and enjoy life because you never know when it will be gone. If you wake up in the morning and have a choice between doing the laundry and taking a walk in the park, go for the walk. You’d hate to die and realize you had spent your last day doing the laundry.” – Joyce Tenneson

Happy Wednesday!

10 Minute Monday:


August 12th was the second hottest day of the year, the 30th day of over 30 C weather. It was, in fact, 33 but with humidity, felt more like 43.

I escaped my “cubicle of purgatory” to help bridesmaids deliver flowers and snip loose threads off their pink dresses. I also helped do a sound check for a cellist and soloist since the A/V tech was a titch tardy. All in a sanctuary where the main air conditioner is broken…

And while it was warm in the sanctuary, it was downright tropical in the custodian’s closet, where I partnered with a pretty, size 2 blonde, to repair a plant stand for a bouquet of wilting champagne roses. If she hadn’t been size 2, we wouldn’t have been able to fit in there at the same time.

We needed a Robertson screwdriver, but could only find a common blade screwdriver. It was only after we were soaked in our sweat and nearly passing out from heat exhaustion, that the custodian showed up. He was surprised to see two damsels in distress in his closet, but he did nonchalantly point out the black toolbox we had completely missed, before shrugging his shoulders…and leaving.

We removed the offending screws and added 2 small nails, but it was not enough to fix the tremulous platform, so we put a nail in its coffin. It took a couple of tries – the first nail, while long and inviting, refused to budge at the halfway point. But we persevered and the bride’s flowers were delightfully displayed before the wedding march.

I spent the rest of the day fighting off bridesmaids for space in front of office air-conditioner.

After the wedding, the one who fixed the table with me, thanked me for my help and added: “when I came to you with my request for a hammer and screwdriver, I expected you be like ‘what?’. I can’t believe how you just smiled and asked me, ‘what kind do you need?’ like I wasn’t an insane person”.

She doesn’t know this was a pleasure compared to Bridezilla. She also didn’t know that already that week I had climbed under a rock, hid under a desk, and ate my lunch in the corner. Just another day in Paradise!

Only one week to go before I go on holidays for a week. And then…

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Happy Monday!

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This has been a “10 Minute Monday” post (where I write about whatever I want for a minimum 10 minutes, no editing – mayhem, memories, maudlin mumblings, or  “mwa ha ha” moments).

 

 

Wilderness Wednesday: Country


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“My grandfather used to say that once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman and a preacher, but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer.” – Brenda Schoepp

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“It is the simple things in life that make living wortwhile, the sweet fundamental things such as love and duty, work and rest, living close to nature.” – Laura Ingalls Wilder

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“Well I wouldn’t trade my life for diamonds and jewels
I never was one of them money hungry fools
I’d rather have my fiddle and my farmin’ tools
Thank God I’m a country boy.” – John Denver