How I Roll…

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Toilet paper always comes to the rescue…even in a fashion emergency.

Like today.

Today, I had my annual appointment with the eye doctor. He has curly blonde hair and stunning blue eyes, and looks like he’s 12. Naturally, I want to make an effort to NOT look like I just rolled out of bed on my day off, so I took some time to look my best. I took time to wash the crust from my eyelashes and to brush my teeth. I touched up the curls leftover from yesterday braided updo and slathered on a liberal amount of antiperspirant. Finally, I carefully chose nice but modest clothing that flattered my figure: black pants, brown boots, red knit top. I’m not a creep…I just want to look better than this!

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Photo courtesy of http://images.wisegeek.com

I arrived early for my appointment, slipped off my coat and sat down. As I sat down, I folded my coat in front of me and glanced down at my lap. And froze. I was staring at my own belly button.

You see, my top…my beautiful red knit top, has a band of battenburg lace running in a 2″ vertical stripe down the front…and I had forgotten to put on a camisole. My eyes swept upwards from my stark, lily white stomach to my flesh-coloured bra with…gasp…my ample bosom spilling out the top toward a perfect “y” – my cleavage. I clutched my coat to my chest, feeling a warmth spreading up my neck and engulfing my cheeks in flames.

I started to panic. I didn’t have a scarf. Could I borrow one from the receptionist? No, she wasn’t wearing one either. Wear my coat the whole time? No, I was already melting into my plastic seat. Then the assistant called my name and my heart leaped into my chest.

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come. – Woody Allen

“Maybe”, I reasoned, “maybe it’s not as obvious as I think it is”. So I followed  the assistant into the other room for the initial tests. Once seated and facing a mirror, I realized it wasn’t as bad as I thought. It was worse. Much worse! All I wanted to do was look nice for my appointment with the nice young doctor, not pimp myself out like a cougar!

I fled from the little room to the bathroom, so I could hyperventilate in private. Since I was already there, I decided I might as well use the facilities before I confessed my fashion faux pas and clutched my Harry Potter book to my chest for the next hour.

And then I looked up…Toilet paper! If I could stretch one strip of toilet paper across my cleavage, secured by my bra cups…and if I could then stretch a long strip down the vertical stripe, and secure it between my bra and my pants, would it provide sufficient coverage to reinstate my dignity?

Yes! Yes it can! And that my friends, is how I roll!

Make your life be like toilet paper. Long and useful.
– Wolfgang Riebe, 100 Quotes to Make You Think

Morning Torture

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Rolling out of bed this morning felt like torture. The room was dark and I was so sleepy and toasty warm under the covers…and I knew I had a long, brisk walk in the arctic blast before breakfast.

Torture might seem like a strong word, but that’s what scientists are calling waking up and starting work before 10 a.m. A friend posted this article on Facebook so it must be true! Dr. Paul Kelley, a leading researcher at Oxford University, calls it “the most common form of modern day torture”. By waking early, we interfere with our bodies’ circadian rhythm, our genetic cycle regulating our brain activity, energy and hormone levels.

Did you know…

  • it is recommended that adults get 7-9 hours of sleep/night
  • if it takes you less than 5 minutes to fall asleep, you’re sleep-deprived
  • There are more than 70 diagnosed sleeping disorders… and the list is growing

It was the introduction of an 8 hour work day early in the 20th century that manufactured this form of torture. As a result, we are an increasingly sleep-deprived, caffeine-fueled, physically and emotionally drained society, with increasingly adverse, long-term health consequences.

When we sleep, our bodies work to repair themselves. Our brains go through a neurobiological process that sorts through our memories and tucks the keepers in long-term storage compartments. We’re also more likely to have a clear head, which makes retrieving memories and making decisions easier. Our reset brains also reset our emotions so we’re less likely to fly off the handle. Without listing the full gamut of emotional, physical or mental, long or short term, and I quote directly from the February 2014 Mensa Bulletin, the American Magazine for Mensa (pp.22-27), in an article written by Lisa Van Gemert,  “not getting enough sleep makes you tired and stupid”.

Did you know…

  • men are more likely to fall asleep at the wheel than women
  • new parents lose between 400-750 hours of sleep in the first year
  • humans sleep less than primates

No wonder it feels like torture to get out of bed in the morning!

My walk home this morning was less intense because the wind was at my back, and parts of my body were numb. I kept myself trudging forward with visions of stripping down to 1 layer of clothing and crawling under a thick blanket when I got home, thawing my chin over a cup of steaming tea, and taking a nap. Except…

Did you know…

  • are only good if you can take one daily; otherwise it’ll mess with your sleep pattern.

Sigh…None of this information is going to help me sleep tonight, or make my morning less like…torture? Happy Monday!

 

Happy New Year?

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Social convention dictates we greet one another at the beginning of January with “Happy New Year”, and I have had to exercise a great deal of willpower to not sarcastically snap, “Is it? Is it really?”

This year, I made some resolutions, which included cutting back on caffeine, losing weight (a losing battle), training for Mud Hero (knowing full well I can back out any time), and approaching each day with a more positive attitude (i.e., replacing my sarcasm, my snarkiness and my vocal displeasure of the morons stupid people around me with sunshine and lollipop thoughts). It was a glorious 3 seconds before I burst out laughing at my own farcical attempt to delude myself. You can’t teach this old dog new tricks!

We’re 6 days in to 2017 and so far, I have:

  • driven home from my parents’ in snow and high winds
  • killed the guinea pig’s water bottle
  • nearly been killed  by a moron bad driver (apparently I still have great reflexes and there was no oncoming traffic)
  • stood in a store trying to replace a dysfunctional lava lamp (the clerk used my batteries and screw driver to test 3 more…we now own a plasma ball instead)
  • driven into the city to pick Hubby up from work because his car is dead
  • nearly froze to death at work
  • test drove a new car – the cost of which will wipe out 4 years of savings
  • been walked into at Tim Horton’s by a moron…and there was plenty of space to go around me
  • nearly broke my big toe kicking…the kick-plate

And that’s just since Wednesday…

My house is trashed, my clothes don’t fit, my bank account is empty (along with my resolve not to eat the last box of homemade cookies before starting the box of liquor-filled chocolates), my winter boots leak, it’s freezing outside…Hubby’s dead car is still in the city…and now I have this song stuck in my head!

My new year’s resolution should have been to stop kidding myself that I’ll make a lifestyle change this year. Cheers!

 

WPC: Resilient

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Indeed, this life is a test. It is a test of many things – of our convictions and priorities, our faith and our faithfulness, our patience and our resilience… – Sheri L. Dew

Gravestones may seem like macabre imagery at the beginning of a new year, when most of the world is making hope-filled plans for success and happiness. Some of these limestone markers are almost 150 years old. They mark more than names and dates; they mark lives.

I believe these people were required to live resilient lives. They faced illnesses, losses, and death. They struggled to till the soil, build their homes and raise their families. They experienced great joys, great sorrows, and great changes.

So will we.

Fly with a kind heart, a light spirit, and a resilient soul. – A.D. Posey

To see more Resilient photos, click here.

2016: A Year In Review

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It’s the last day of the year and too many people are starting to share how they are going to make big changes to enrich their lives in 2017.

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Personally, I feel more like crawling into bed with a big boxful of rom-coms and an even larger box of chocolates. Bridget Jones may have despaired at the thought of dying “fat and alone” and being “found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs”, but her evenings alone in her pjs still holds a certain appeal. Canadian winter is bearing down on us. Earlier this week, I froze my extremities, drove to my in-laws in an ice storm, sloshed through giant slush puddles (apparently my winter boots leak), and dug my car out in a blizzard. Good times!

So while you’re polishing off your stationary bike to start your training for the Tour de France, I’m planning to polish off a Henry (O Henry!) and take a horizontal life pause. Thank you to all those who shared 2016 with me – it was quite a year!

2016: A Year In Review

2016 was certainly a year! I started it by sitting in the E.R. for 5 hours on January 1st with Big Guy! He had suffered weeks of hiccups that resulted in the inability to keep food down. X-rays confirmed what we already know – he’s full of “poop”! He was released around midnight and feeling peckish, so we picked up McDonald’s fries on the way home. He was obviously feeling better!

This year, I struggled a lot…mostly with stupid people!

Stupid people in parking lots
Stupid people at the school
Stupid people at the car dealership
Stupid people at Canada Post
Stupid people at the passport office
Stupid people at Home Depot
Stupid brides, stupid computers and 2 stupid squirrels – the one who stole my cupcakes and the one who stole my panties!

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Either stupid people are taking over the world, or I’m turning into a cranky old lady! This year I started facing the raging inferno of my dying youth, a bout of insomnia, and the stupid people who decided 50 year olds shouldn’t wear jeans. I started embracing my new identity with half an empty nest, and watched my mother caring for Nana in her last days.

While my midlife crisis adventures were limited this year, I got to join the VIP room for 2 days, improved my baking & video gaming skills, took belly dancing classes, and found out what happens when a group of women get locked in a series of rooms and told to escape in an hour. (We escape in less than an hour, then spend an hour trying to find a parking space at Jack Astor’s for dinner!)

 

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I posted my 1000th post this Fall! So from the ridiculous (a body in my deep freeze) to the sublime (How much do you love me?) – it’s been a year! I expect 2017 will be…

beautiful

God, may 2017 be a year with more laughter than tears. May I have the ability to rise above the challenges of supreme annoyance. And may I retain the ability to dress myself at the end of each day! Amen!