[Insert Rant Here]

Tags

humour, office humour, stupid people, work humour

Fall’s a great time to take a hike. Especially if you’re annoying me. And with any luck (for me that is), you’ll get lost and I’ll never have to be nice to you again. I try to wear my angel wings every day. But sometimes I’d like to take them off and beat somebody  with them.

It’s been a long time since I ranted about stupid people where I work. Actually, that’s not true. It’s been less than 10 minutes. But publicly… I haven’t ranted publicly with other people who don’t have to love me because of marriage/blood ties.

I’ve been good.

I didn’t rant about the 6 phone technicians who visited me at work in September, which were preceded by the 3 service department lackeys who just. don’t. listen! Two of those visits were the result of construction crews down the road severing phone lines. I didn’t rant about them either.

I didn’t fulminate about the security company who summoned the Fire Dept. to come knockin’ on the doors in full gear, sirens wailing. Twice. In the same day. The first time was the because of the severed phone lines. The second time, the company had been notified we were testing the alarms. Three times.

I didn’t bluster about the Mom who emailed me about a kids’ program with questions. Actually, the same questions. That I had answered. Multiple times. Within the same “never-ending-story” of an email.

I didn’t pontificate when someone got herself added to the worship team. At the last minute.

Or spout off about the spelling-police who complained about stuff I didn’t even do. I was enjoying my first stay-cation in 8 months.

Or vociferate about an overly tanned committee member who enjoyed summer away, and came to a meeting filled with contradictory and negative feedback.

 Or the myriad of other unnecessary grievances and disruptions I’ve been privy to this September.

But September is over…and Christmas is still a long way off!

I have to stop asking “How stupid can they be?” Some people are starting to take it as a challenge.

On Wednesday afternoon, I finished the time-consuming, mind-numbing, soul-sucking task of compiling and publishing our annual church directory…4 months late. I started the process in February and it would have been done in June, but there were too many fingers in this pie. The process dragged horrendously.

I was elated to clear space on my desk.

Wednesday afternoon, I opened my front door after school just in time to hear a panicked voice leaving a voice message. This was not a voice I wanted invading the sanctity of my private hovel. The message was something about an email from me, major problems with the directory, have to reprint? Reluctantly I called back.

The email was very detailed, but it wasn’t from me, and the sender had not signed it. I hate puzzles. I suck at riddles. I don’t decipher codes. I’m also not any closer to perfecting the ability to read minds. Thank you for playing.

We chalked it up to clever spam and moved on. I recognized the email address the next day and a flurry of emails went back and forth…

To shorten the tale, the major problems were 1) one innocent oversight; 2) two extra pairs of hands in the pie; 3) three forms of notice to check the listing, which were ignored.; 4) four weeks that it was available for them to review but it wasn’t; and, 5) five months that have passed since I asked people to check their listing, and they didn’t.

* * *

I had scheduled this for posting and then…I got an email at work today from a bride. I may need another set of wings.

Happy Weekend!

Advertisements

Ice, Ice Baby

Tags

#whatsinmycup, food, humour, tea

Fall may officially be here, but it seems Summer isn’t ready to release it’s grip. For the last year, I dreamed of sitting by a pool in my new bikini, a good book in one hand, and an ice cold glass of tea in the other. Where was this glorious sunshine during my one week of holidays?

The temperature soared over 30C this past Saturday, and with no kids in the house to scar for life, it was my last opportunity to enjoy a taste of Summer. If any of the neighbours were looking, they only looked once…because I blinded them!

Nothing satisfies quite like a chilled glass of homemade iced tea on a hot day. You can control the flavour and the amount of sugar to suit your own tastebuds, using whatever tea bags you have tucked into your cupboards!

It’s important to use enough tea bags to get a strong flavour, and better an extra bag than a longer steeping time. Tea that has steeped a long time tends to be more bitter. A green tea or an herbal (like Tetley’s Pina Colada), will require more tea bags in order for the flavour to come through.  Canadian Living Magazine recommends 2 bags for every 3 cups of water.

Allow the water to cool naturally before chilling it in the fridge. Tea that is put into the fridge when it is hot tends to become murky.

Iced tea can be sweetened or flavoured with sugar or lemon. I don’t sweeten my iced tea but if you do, add the sugar to the water when it is still hot in order to dissolve it. Alternatively, make a sugar syrup and add it to cold tea.  Lemon wedges should be added once the water has become tepid or squeezed in just before serving. Fresh lemons are always preferable to artificial lemon juice from a plastic squeeze bottle!

I like my tea really strong, so I don’t add a lot of ice to my glass. As the ice melts, it dilutes the flavour. Chill the glass before adding the chilled tea, and it’s just as refreshing! Cheers!

“Iced tea! Nothing is half so refreshing as a glass of black tea piled high with ice! More than a quencher of thirst, it is a tamer of tempers, a lifter of lethargy, and a brightener of smiles. It is a taste of Winter’s chill, magically trapped in
midsummer’s glass.”
― Paul F. Kortepeter, Tea with Victoria Rose

 

 

Short People

Tags

family, humour, short people.

Short people got no reason to live…

The other day, Hubby commented that he has “altitude sickness”…he’s sick of my lack of altitude. I’m a staggering 5′ 1.5″ (and the .5” is very important)! As frustrating as it is for me at times (particularly when I want something off the top shelf at the grocery store), I can’t deny that my “under-tallness” isn’t frustrating for my spouse too.

They got little noses and tiny little teeth
They wear platform shoes on their nasty little feet

Last night, we attended Little Guy’s Art Show, where he shared his creations from Art Camp. It meant wolfing down cold pizza and rushing out the door as soon as Hubby got home from work. According to the map given in the show’s flyer, the Senior Center where it was being held, was just north of a particular intersection. But when we drove by, it was nowhere to be seen. In addition, the big green “P” for parking led us to nowhere too. I told Hubby to park 3 blocks away at a Community Center and we’d walk.

By the time we got parked, we were late. Which meant walking quickly, in heels…and keeping up to Hubby, which was impossible. After half a block, sweating profusely with my legs and lungs screaming, I gave up on the heels. There’s nothing quite like tearing through the downtown core at 6:30 on a summer’s eve, red heels in hand and with blackened bare feet, to attend a children’s art show! (And the Senior Center was just south of the intersection)

I kept up with Hubby, but he sighed heavily outside the doors of the Senior Center, while I struggled to put my shoes back on. And yes, I walked in bare feet back to the car too!

They got little cars that got beep, beep, beep
They got little voices goin’ peep, peep, peep

We have two cars, but only one driveway. Which means if Hubby is parked behind me, I either: a) move his car and thread the needle to pass it; or b) take his car. His car used to be my car, so the thought of driving it isn’t daunting. What’s daunting is the grumbling that follows after I’ve driven it. I try my very best to return the seat (and radio) to its original position, but I inevitably fail. It’s even worse when I fail to move the seat back at all and Hubby struggles to get in enough, knees in nose, to push it back. I’d laugh at his awkwardness if looks wouldn’t kill!

They got little baby legs and they stand so low
You got to pick ’em up just to say hello

Last weekend, my parents came up to help with some long overdue repairs. While Hubby and my Dad tackled some plumbing issues in the basement, my Mom and I tackled cleaning and reorganizing my kitchen cupboards (mostly the baking, tea and spice cupboards). But since it required reaching high places, too high even for the toddler stool I keep in the kitchen, I dragged a dining room chair into the tiny space.

Inevitably, the chair was in the way whenever Hubby or my Dad needed to drag something out the back door. More sighs… Eventually Mom and I just went shopping! That was way more fun!

 

Short people got no reason to live…

Travelling is never a joy because I possess a small bladder. Actually, I’ve had tests done and it’s normal size, just…overactive! And even though I abstain from all liquids for the duration of our travels, feeling like an sponge dried in the desert the whole time, I still have to pee. Often. My parents thought I had a bathroom festish when I was a kid because I needed to “go” so often. I have a sixth sense when it comes to finding a loo…anywhere…any time. Some would call it a gift. I’m sure Hubby calls it something else.

Short people are just the same as you and I
(A fool such as I)
All men are brothers until the day they die
(It’s a wonderful world)

Yes, it’s a wonderful world and we are uniquely made. But I…I am a teeny tiny challenge to my other half at times. I just have to keep reminding him that “good things come in small packages”.

Happy Weekend!

***

Short People by Randy Newman • Copyright © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, Universal Music Publishing Group, Downtown Music Publishing

Prison Break #1

Tags

photography

This weekend, I went to prison…

…for a tour! But thank you for thinking I lead an exciting enough life to land me in jail! If people keep making assumptions about me, even in my line of work, who knows what’ll happen?

A good friend calls you in jail. A great friend bails you out of jail. Your best friend sits next to you and says, ‘wasn’t that fun’? – unknown

Happy Wednesday!

What’s in a Street Name?

Tags

humour

On Friday’s Coach Daddy answers 5 random questions posed by his daughters (Go Ask Daddy) and this week he tackled the Art of Naming a Road!  This prompted me to dig deeper into some of the weird and wacky names of streets found around the globe, including a few in my own neighbourhood.

Why, you ask? Because it’s the end of another Summer week and I’ve spent it suffocating in my cubicle of purgatory, listening to the world roll by outside my window. Today I was the only thing moving in the building. It’s been close to 30C every day with thunderstorms that peak right about the time I get home from work. The temperature in my bedroom is scorching, but it’s the one hair blowing from the fan, on the back of my neck, that’s keeping me awake. I’m seriously in need of a vacation, even if it’s just looking at weird places I could visit. Don’t worry – I kept it clean!

Geeks

Virginia Ave, Kentucky Ave, Tennesse Crescent, Ventnor Ave, Pacific Ave, Baltic Ave, St. Charles Place (Canada) – all in one neighbourhood. Monopoly anyone?

Scully Way and Mulder Ave. (ON, Canada)

Knightrider Way (UK)

Wayne’s World Drive (Utah, USA)

Little Guy would like to live on Redstone Blvd. – since we’re a family of Minecraft fans.

Alternatively, he’d be happy with Gotham Street, but that would require a move to the U.S. I’m not ready to commit to that kind of move just for a street name.

Alcohol/Food

Amaretto Ave, Whiskey Gate, Cognac Crescent (ON, Canada) – also all in one neighbourhood!

Roast Meat Hill Road (Connecticut, USA)

Captain Bacon Road (Massachusetts, USA) [Mmmm….bacon….]

People/Groups

Bonnie Crescent & Clyde Ave. (ON, Canada)

Wayne’s World Drive (Utah, USA)

Tragically Hip Way (ON, Canada)

 

Miscellaneous:

This Street, That Street, The Other Street (Nova Scotia, Canada)

Road to Nowhere (Nunavut, Canada)

Bad Route Road (Montana, USA)

Pillow Talk Court (Las Vegas, USA)

Chicken Gristle Road (Texas, USA)

Anyhow Lane (NY, USA)

Goa Way (Idaho, USA)

Farfrompoopen Road (Arkansas, USA)

Peepee Falls Road (Hawaii)

Intersection: Crooks Road and Corporate Dr. (Michigan)

Shades of Death Rd (New Jersey)

Meth Bible Camp Rd (also a Dead End) (Tennessee)

Divorce Crt (Penn)

Butt Hollow Rd (Va)

Booger Branch Road (Ga and SC)

Psycho Path Pvt (Michigan)

When I was contemplating law school, I liked to drive by Barrister’s Court. It just seemed so ironic!

There’s also: Needless Alley, Dumb Woman’s Lane, Wasps Nest, Broadbottom Road, Hooker Road (UK)

And last but not least, Butt Hole Road. The jokes were too much to take for the long-suffering residents of Butt Hole Road, in Conisbrough, South Yorkshire, a street named after a communal water butt that was originally in the area. It was renamed Archers Way to refer to a medieval castle, half a mile away.

Can you blame them? Happy Weekend!

Sources:

http://mentalfloss.com/article/66000/15-weirdest-street-names-across-us

http://www.wideopencountry.com/15-awkward-hilarious-street-names/

http://worldwideinterweb.com/3741-the-funniest-street-names-ever-pictures/

http:://www.oddee.com

https://www.buzzfeed.com/sarahaspler/street-names-in-canada-are-weird-and-thats-ok?utm_term=.tv3omd65xG#.fujwrB265Q

 

 

The Church Office

Tags

church lady, humour, work humour, working

My official job title is “Office Administrator”. Unofficially, my job title is “Church Lady”. My preferred job title is “Gatekeeper in the Cubicle of Purgatory”, or on certain days (namely Tuesday to Friday), Secretary with a Crossbow!

Previously, I’ve written twice about the Assumptions People Make (here and here), about the types of people I work with and other related “Family Business“, and dealing with Stupid People. But enough shameful past post promotions!

I found a cartoon on Pinterest depicting “The Church Office” and it inspired me to put pencil to paper. Being summer, the office is quieter and cleaner than usual. Remarkably, while I currently don’t have bags of clothing donations piling up and I have only 1 hymn book (not one of every hymnal every published), there’s still more enough clutter!

I’ll deal with it next week – it’s the weekend! Enjoy it!

 

 

Feelin’ Old

Tags

humour, technology

I discovered a new way to feel “old” – buy new technology!

This weekend, I finally broke down and purchased a new gaming system. Our Xbox 360 has been acting up…and we’ve lost multiple worlds. Including the one I featured in photos a few weeks ago!

Step 1: Purchase

We went to the store – you know the kind?! Colourful wall-to-wall displays with weird gadgets, geek wear, and video game cases. Large screens hung from the ceiling while distracting videos played in HD. A weird 30 year old man with a pasty white belly oozing from the gap between his tee and shorts, rifling through a rack of used games. And let’s not overlook the gangling 20 year old retailer in a bright Marvel t-shirt.

I took Big Guy with me because he speaks “geek” more fluently than I do, especially when it comes to tech. I vaguely remember starting the conversation and nodding intelligently while circus music piped in my head. By the middle of the transaction, the clerk asked questions, I turned and stared blankly at Big Guy (who answered with a monotone “yes” while texting someone else), and nodded “yes” to the clerk. By the end, I was numb and confused. I remember swiping my card and quietly following Big Guy from the store  with a big, heavy bag and a very light wallet. A few words have floated to the surface since then…Gears of War, Halo, terra-something, cloud. That’s about it!

Step 2: Set up the System

Big Guy started the set-up, and then he went out. He told me to “just text” if we ran into any problems. I’m sure he was less than 2 blocks away when we hit the first hiccup. There were more words, like passkey and lockdown. I had to set a password (which I wrote down as I went along) using a series of finger twerks with buttons, bumpers and triggers… and then my password locked me out. Five minutes later I discovered that while I wanted a “7”  (left bumper), I had tapped the right bumper, and finally, when I made the correction to my paper copy to accommodate my mistake, I wrote down the wrong number…again.

We struggled with buttons controls to register it. None of them seemed to work – so we tried them all. We did it eventually with the minimum use of colourful language explosions. At least in this area, I showed signs of aging gracefully. And then the power kicked off!

The t.v., the system, and the answering machine all went off…but not the controllers. They continued to wink at us smugly. By then over 16 texts had passed back and forth, and I rec’d the text “WHAT DID YOU DO?!” I had to answer truthfully – “I think we broke it”. He told me to try the touch sensor…it doesn’t have one!

When it regained consciousness, we continued to navigate down the rabbit hole. It made my profile pic a mafia panda wearing heavy bling. Hubby thought it was funny! I texted a photo of it to Big Guy who texted back “Ahahaha”! – I was not amused!

Fortunately it had saved my avatar from the old system and I could use it instead. My avatar is this cute girl in a plaid skirt, black boots and a red t-shirt that says “I love Minecraft”. I am also wearing a Halo helmet, which shall remain on forevermore. Let’s just say, my avatar’s appearance so startled Little Guy when I took the helmet off, he hollered for me to “put it back on…quick!”. My feelings were hurt. I think the Panda was better.

We added users. Little Guy became a cute hamburger. Hubby, a weird yellow 6-sided shape with a face. I got stuck in Edge. We had to update the controller (even though it is brand new)! After several hours, an extended break to clear our heads, and over 20 texts, the system was set up.

It was finally time to start uploading actual games. I was forewarned…this could days…

 

 

Nerd is the Word

Tags

humour, nerds

Nerd is the Word! This week was Vacation Bible Camp at our church, and I was asked to help with the morning skits. I jumped in whole-heartedly – fashion, voice and mannerisms.  I had a parent tell me her kids talked about me all afternoon. I had kids ask to be introduced to me. The kids giggled with glee and empathized every time disaster struck! My co-actor couldn’t look at me because I would distract her! It was awesome…or should I say “aweshum”!

It wasn’t so long ago that no one wanted to be identified as a nerd. Stereotypical nerds were smart but underweight and ungainly individuals with a keen lack of fashion sense, and who preferred relationships with machines and mathematics to people. They were decidedly uncool or even creepy!

In her essay, The Rise of Nerds’ Popularity, Sandra Friedrichs, speculated that 3 key factors could be attributed to the rapidly increasing in popularity and the acceptance of “nerds” in society.

First, the definition (and connotation) of “nerd” has become positive.  Outsiders to the lifestyle and attitude that has been categorized as nerd, are more tolerant. Nerds are being viewed as passionate rather than odd. It’s becoming “hip to be square”!

Second, technology. Technology, science, and “nerdy” interests dominate our culture and our daily lives. It is used and appreciated by nearly everyone. In addition, technology has been used to connect people with similar interests and to promote products, like gadgets and clothing, and social opportunities like conventions. The stuff of nerds is offering something for everyone.

Third, nerds are more heavily featured in t.v. series, movies and video games. Superhero movies saturate the coming attractions, with apocalyptic and sci-fi genres not far behind. Kate Turner, in her article, “Revenge of the Nerds: The Rise and Prominence of Nerd Culture” contributes the reboots and adaptations of classic nerd material for creating new admirers and bonding them with original fans.

Lists of most popular nerds through the decades differ. XXX top 3 picks are: . At Ranker.com, you can vote for your favourite Greatest Geeks in TV History! From James Bond’s “Q” and The Professor constructing primitive machinery with bamboo and coconuts on Gilligan’s Island in the 1960’s, to Abbie Sciuto (NCIS) and Big Bang’s Sheldon Cooper (and the rest of the gang) on t.v. this week, we shout “Say it loud. I’m a nerd and proud”, Lewis, Revenge of The Nerds (1983).

Have a good weekend! Live long and prosper!

 

 

I feel invisible…

Tags

humour, shopping

Sometimes I feel invisible, and I’m talking literally, not figuratively.

I went to Wal-Mart last night. Three times in fact. Once for a few groceries and Canada Day t-shirts for Hubby’s “Spirit Day” at work. All the shirts were gone but I found gaudy red Canada Day backpacks for $5! The second trip – to submit 5 years worth of photos to finish an album on the weekend, and a few groceries. But the photos were still on my desktop. The third time, to print the photos from my memory stick. I’m not going back a fourth time!

It happened on the way home from the third (and final!) trip. Envelope in hand, I walked toward the exit, fully expecting the sliding glass door to swish open. The door had other plans.

You cannot pass! – Gandolf, Lord of the Rings

I nearly walked into it.

Stunned, I took a few steps back and tried again. It still didn’t open. I looked around. At that rare, singular moment in history, there was no one around. No one coming in. No one going out. In Wal-Mart. It was spooky!

I should have applied the old expression: Fool me once – shame on you. Fool me twice – shame on me.

I didn’t! I tried a third time.

In retrospect, I should have just tried the other door. Instead, I waved my arms in the air like I was desperately trying to fly. I put my left foot…I put my left foot out…I did the hokey-pokey and I turned myself around. Still…

Black Knight: None shall pass!
King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight. But I must cross this bridge.
Black Knight: Then you shall die.
**Monty Python & the Holy Grail

All the insecurities in who I am, all the existential questions about my purpose rose to the surface, and I refused to be bested by a door! I was, after all, a valuable human being. I had feelings, hopes, dreams, even the potential to change the world. I deserved to be seen and heard. I was NOT invisible.

So I mustered all that pent up rage and insecurity, and with hands on hips, I glared at it. If invisibility was my new superpower, maybe I had other superpowers?!?

And as I glared, a dumpy middle-aged in short cut-off denim shorts and a stained white t-shirt that didn’t cover his pasty white beer belly, strolled by. He didn’t even glance my way.

And the door swished open…

I may be in the next People of Wal-Mart video.

Happy Weekend!

She’s a Lady?

Tags

Being a lady, humour, tea

“I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn’t last long.” – Shelley Winters

My husband is always telling me I’m so “lady-like”. I live in a house full of men, with all the stereotypical sights and sounds. The only exception is Chloe, our guinea pig, but she eats her own poop so I’m not sure she counts. Once in awhile it’s nice to make an effort at being a lady.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate my men or enjoy spending time with them. I do! Feed me strawberry soy ice cream though, and I would be crowned the Queen of Farts!

This weekend, I enjoyed browsing in the comic book store with Big Guy, and swapping stories with Little Guy. We ate pizza, watched America Ninja Warrior and capped the weekend off with a trip to the theatre to see Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie. I think I enjoyed it the most!

But last night was about being a lady. I hosted dinner for 5 of the women who now make up the executive of our Ladies’ Outreach ministry, and they are all class acts! So I pulled out all the stops! I used my Grandmother’s Royal Albert “Country Roses” china and my good silverware. I had pale plum napkins decorated with dainty teapots on them, and stemmed glassware with cranberry-cherry punch. The table looked perfect!

The perfect hostess will see to it that the works of male and female authors be properly separated on the bookshelves. Their proximity unless they happen to be married should not be tolerated. – Lady Gough, Etiquette (1863)

I cleaned the house, even the bathroom light fixtures (which required “hot yoga” on a stool in my nightgown and twisting behind the back corner of the floor behind the toilet, where a strong stomach is required). The house looked…respectable.

With seconds to spare, I managed to pull on a little black dress as the first guest arrived. I know she would have overlooked my short shorts and my Game of Thrones t-shirt, but I didn’t want her to have to do so.

Your dresses should be tight enough to show you’re a woman and loose enough to show you’re a lady. – Grace Kelly

I spent hours carefully chopping vegetables, pickles, meats and cheeses for 3 different salads. I picked radishes. I baked fresh bread. Someone brought a garden salad with fruit and fresh Parmesan cheese. Someone else brought a crunchy cabbage salad. Two others contributed key lime cheesecake and strawberry shortcake on a skewer. The meal was delicious.

There was no time for photos, but plenty of time for fun! Before our meeting, each lady ordered tea from my Tea Menu, which boasts 36 different kinds of tea. I like tea, and firmly believe that somewhere in the world, it’s Tea Time!

This morning, the kitchen counter is stacked with antique serving bowls, fine china, and memories. Purple gerbera daisies grace my empty dining table (a lady never arrives at a party with empty hands) and I felt a moment of happiness for having reconnected with my feminine side.

 

She’s got style, she’s got grace, she’s a winner
She’s a lady
Tom Jones, She’s a Lady

Then someone (who shall remain nameless), farted and promptly blamed the guinea pig. Moment was over.

Happy Tuesday!