10 Reasons I (no longer) Run

Tags

fitness, humour, runners

I’ve joined the Fitness Protection Program, not that anyone is asking why I’m not writing entertaining posts about fitness anymore.  But now that I’ve blown my cover by putting the subject out in the open, I’ve compiled a list of 10 reasons why I (may) never run (again)!

1. I’m not strong enough for prison! I own over 7 bras and none of them provide enough support! While I’m not overly concerned with my own safety, I am concerned for others. Boxers, karate masters, and navy seals have to exercise caution. One wrong move and they could be considered lethal  weapons. When I start moving, I could too.

2. I don’t want to destroy public property. Last week I went for a power walk. Within a block of home, I blew out my shoe and had to finish my journey barefoot. If I have that much power in my teeny-tiny tootsies when I’m just walking, how much power do I generate when I run?

3. I don’t want to blow the Town’s Emergency Services’ budgets unnecessarily. Last year when I went running, I kept my ears open for ambulance and fire truck sirens: ambulance, in case someone thought I was having a seizure and fire truck, in case my thighs actually started a fire.

I’m sorry I called the police for help when I saw you running. I thought you were in trouble. I didn’t realize you were doing this for fun!

4. I don’t want to be “that neighbour”. You know the one that steps outside and suddenly everyone is hiding behind bushes and peeking out at behind curtains. One small child wails, while the birds are eerily silent. I don’t want to traumatize the small children on my street or become the subject of their nightmares. There are several young families who enjoy riding their bikes and picnicking on their front lawns. Let them enjoy their innocence while they can.

5.  I don’t want my ears to hurt. I looked it up and it’s a real thing. I thought I was just crazy. Either way, when I start running and getting hot and sweaty, my ears start to ache and it’s uncomfortable. I only want achy ears because I’ve spent the night rocking out at a concert!

6. I don’t want to be a distraction to drivers. The RCMP defines distracted driving as “a form of impaired driving as a driver’s judgment is compromised when they are not fully focused on the road.”  I’m pretty sure this qualifies:

7. I don’t want to hurry home. There will still be a pile of chores to be done, questions to be answered, and…smells to combat! I live in a houseful of men, after all (with the exception of our guinea pig who has her own aromatic issues). Running just gets me there faster! Why not stop and smell the roses instead?

8. I don’t want my body to hate me! The conversation goes like this:

Brain: Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
Lungs: I hate you. Feet: I’m going to turn into 20 lb weights now.
Butt: You lied. You told me I looked great!
Legs: Woo hoo! Jell-o!
Everything else: I’m going to randomly start hurting until you stop this nonsense!

9. I don’t want to find any dead bodies. Have you ever noticed that it’s the runners (especially those early morning psychos) that stumble upon remains in wooded areas? Either they are the culprit or they are really unlucky!

10. I don’t want to!

This doesn’t mean I’ll stop enjoying long, romantic walks to the fridge, or leisurely strolls around the block on recycling night (because knowing which neighbour is hooked on high-sugar cereals could be important in the event of a zombie apocalypse)!

But if you happen to see me running any time soon, you’d better run too ‘cuz it means there’s something chasing me!

Happy Weekend!

The Beacon is Lit

Tags

bikini, humour, midlife crisis

What mid-life crisis would be complete without wearing something completely inappropriate and totally embarrassing to my pre-teen in public?

I know the focus of my blog posts has shifted lately from pushing myself to try new things to sitting back and observing (and laughing through) the opera of the every day.

Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you – Mel Brooks

I think it’s been a combination of learning to be content with where I am and learning to laugh wherever that may be, plus a combination of the usual lack of time, energy, motivation, cash, and inspiration. BUT – inspiration took form one sunny day last Summer, as I perused the racks and racks of lycra postage-stamp-sized bikinis.
And I thought to myself:

•  inappropriate? Check!
•  totally embarrassing for offspring? Check!
• In my size? Sold!

What  was I waiting for?

Pinterest.com

I can remember wearing a bikini outside the confines of my bedroom, only twice: my Mom’s bikini with little kittens when I was 8, and a black bikini heavily veiled under a thick t-shirt when I was pregnant with Little Guy! It’s now or never!

So I bought a black bikini top last Summer, brought it home and promptly buried it in my room. Every time I found it, I’d stare at it and ask myself, “what was I thinking?”

***

I dug it out on the weekend because we had been invited to a “pool party”.
But would I carry through…

Step 1: Put on bikini.

It sounded so simple until it came time to do it and I nearly dislocated my shoulder trying to snap it up behind. After fumbling for several minutes, I used the “tried and true” technique – do it up in the front where you can actually see what you’re doing, and slide it around. Check!

Step 2: Stand in front of mirror for closer inspection.

I tripped over a shoe because I was wrestling with step 3.

Step 3: Put hand over mouth to stifle scream and open eyes.

It looked fantastic…in the dark. The curtains were tightly drawn; the door closed. The lights off. And everyone in the house had been warned within an inch of their life to leave me alone!

Step 4: Turn on the lights and inspect.

Once my eyes adjusted to the glare of the light off my abdomen, and the initial shock wore off, I moved in for a closer inspection. Stand up straight, suck it in, smile and turn…?

Undecided and out of time, I threw on a sundress and prayed for rain!

***

Most of the husbands (and teenagers) didn’t make it to the party, which increased my comfort level significantly. But I still wasn’t convinced the world was ready for this!  I wasn’t convinced I was ready for this! Instead, I hoisted my skirts and dilly-dallied on the steps in the shallow end. That is, until the women moved to the hot tub and urged me to join them.

Moment of truth…

No asked me to leave or called Greenpeace to deal with a beached whale.

The horrified glint in Little Guy’s eyes confirmed that I had not failed my duty to embarrass!

The heavens didn’t fall from the sky.

But yes…the beacon is lit!

 

 

 

Audition for a Wife

Tags

hubby, humour, marriage, wife

Standing in line at the grocery store, I snickered when I read the headline “Tom Cruise Auditioning for New Wife”. Judging by the source of the headline, it was snicker-worthy. I suspect there isn’t much truth to anything in that rag apart from a few words like “is” and “the” so I didn’t take it seriously.  But seriously? What an idea for a blog post!

Initially I thought about what I would look for in a new husband, but I already have one of those. A few years ago, a friend of ours lost his dear wife to cancer and it started the wheels turning faster in our own cob-webbed brains. One night Hubby asked me out of the blue, would I re-marry. I blurted “NOPE!” (rather too hastily and loudly). Seeing the hurt in his eyes, I quickly explained that our early years as a blended family, even just as a couple, were too painful to repeat. I was so thankful God helped us through it. I was happy now. Why would I want to fight over the empty toilet paper roll with anyone else?

 Flickr.com

NB: Empty toilet paper rolls are one of the Top 50 Things Couples Fight About.

It was recently reported that women in long-term relationships continue to shoulder much more responsibility than men when it comes to household chores like buying groceries, cooking meals, household cleaning, and planning social activities…

• Buying groceries: (65% of men, 90% of women)
• Cooking/preparing meals: (48% of men, 85% of women)
• Household cleaning (48% of men, 88% of women)
• Planning social activities (26% of men, 57% of women)

…as well as caregiving for loved ones, including kids and aging relatives (55% women to 39% men) [B.Stalsburg, PhD, Whitman Insight Strategies]

I can’t say I’m surprised!

http://www.Pinterest.com

First, in the audition, she would have to WOW me with her cleaning skills, cooking skills, financial skills, childcare skills, driving skills and home reno skills. She would have to be charming, patient, creative, and a noble wife of character (Prov. 31:10-31). A pretty face and a sweet disposition wouldn’t hurt…and a good sense of humour.

Just for fun,  I gave myself 10 minutes to fire out any question that came to mind, no matter how practical or random:

• Are you willing to buy chips every week and tuck them away in a safe place until Friday night, even though they aren’t good for me?
• Can you stick to a budget? Are you willing to browse flyers and “price-match” to stay within budget but also willing to scrimp in one place in order to buy a “treat” for the family?
• What brand names do you consider “essential”? [Let’s be honest – No Name cheese is an abomination and No Name cereal tastes like soggy cardboard. Yuck!]
• What is the ratio of your listening skills vs. your communication skills? [If the conversation is always one-sided, I’m not interested.]
• Do you handle creepy-crawlies, tiny critters, and mosquitoes in the middle of the night?
• Coke or Pepsi? [The correct answer is Coke]
• Do you “breathe” at night? Snore? Roll around? [It’s not a deal-breaker. It just means we have to live as a “sleep divorced” couple.]
• Do you notice the little things [like dust on the bathroom tiles, the rice krispie trail across the living floor, or the full laundry basket waiting (and blocking) the bottom of the stairs]?
• Will you fold my underwear?
• How are your driving skills [like when it’s sleeting and you’re late for school or in a life-threatening situation, like the school parking lot]?
• Do you change bed sheets, kitchen linens, and toilet paper rolls?
• Snacks – salty or sweet? Favourite dessert?
• What are  your hobbies,  your decorating style, your favourite colours, your favourite t.v. shows, your favourite author, and your favourite doughnut flavour?
• Star Wars or Star Trek? [The answer is Both] Original show/movies, or later shows/movies? [The answer is Original for both]
• What will you do for me when I’m sick? [Buy me gingerale]
• When you throw dirty clothes in the basket, do you turn them right-side out first?
• Are you organized enough to handle all the gift-giving, card-writing (& mailing), appointment making (& keeping), record-keeping, and re-stocking of food & clothing items needed by the family – extended and immediate – and to do it on a budget?
• Can you bathe and style a guinea pig?
• Can you handle patronizing car mechanics at the shop, dumb retail salespeople, and prissy Passport office employees? [If so, tell me how…please!!!]
• How much do you love chocolate and tea?

Phew…10 Minutes goes by pretty fast and I’ve barely scratched the surface! It’s important to find a good wife because “A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm” (Prov. 27:15).

http://www.Pinterest.com

Inquiring Minds Want to Know – what would you be looking for,
if you were to audition for a wife?

 

Happy Weekend!

 

WPC: Friend?!?

Tags

friends, pets, photography, Weekly Photo Challenge

 

I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends!

Happy Monday!

To see more Friend-ly photos, click here.

Quiet, please!

Tags

blogs, humour, women

The comments on my blog are as scarce as the people who eat plain doughnut holes because they like them, not because that’s the only kind left in the box and they’re really hungry. I know there would be more if all 5 my readers knew how to leave comments (love you Mom)!

But occasionally I get comments that are just…”dirty”! Let me state this clearly: If you want to use your body as an amusement park, that’s your prerogative, but leave me out of it! I’m glad you find me attractive, but seriously dude, that’s gross!

I realize we live in a society that is way too preoccupied with sex – getting it, the abundance of it, or the lack of it. If we’re not “doing it” then we are obsessing about “doing it” or obsessing about why we’re not “doing it”. It’s exhausting!

Four years ago, I browsed the Women’s Health section in a major book store chain. I expected to find ridiculousness like “How to Embrace and Bake With Your Inner Child” or “Harnass the Power of Pretend Eating and Drop 4.5 Dress Sizes”.  Instead of books on self-esteem, nutrition, exercise, or surviving menopause, over 75% of the shelf space was filled with books on sexual positions, how to seduce, pleasure or keep a man, and a book with Sex Tips from Porn Stars! When did advice from Porn Stars override the need for quality books that help women struggling with depression, eating disorders or grief?

How could over 75% of the books on Women’s Health have so little to do with women’s health?  Is the market saturated with books of this caliber or is there high market demand? What kind of women are buying these books?

Here’s a crazy idea…

Maybe if we put as much brain power and energy into solving issues like homelessness and poverty, as we do in pursuing “satisfaction”, we could change the world.

Maybe, if we focused on the importance of emotional connection, intelligent conversation, meaningful touch, and mutual respect in a relationship that exceeds the need to jump into bed at every possible opportunity, we could be happier and healthier, and secure with who are.

I do believe something very magical can happen when you read a good book.
– J.K. Rowling

And maybe the Women’s Health section in the book store should be about… oh, I don’t know…Women’s Health!

Happy Weekend!

Everything I do…

Tags

bathrooms, humour, marriage

Hubby and I have been married for over 20 years, which means that some rituals have become routine, and there’s no point in changing it now. Don’t fix what isn’t broken, right?

One such ritual is at bedtime.

If I’m the first one in the bathroom, I fix the toothbrushes while Hubby uses the “facilities”. But if I go to use the “facilities” first, Hubby goes in his room and gets changed for bed. In other words, regardless of who gets there first, I fix the toothbrushes. The only exception is the odd time that I head to bed much later than Hubby – in which case he fixes my toothbrush and leaves it on the side of the sink for me.

The other night, I got there first, so I fixed the toothbrushes. After Hubby had pulled himself together and as he reached for his toothbrush, Hubby farted. It was a rump trumpet!

[I know this because I gave Little Guy the card game, Silent Bt Deadly, and I play it with him, including the graphic sound effects…becasue I’m “that kind of Mom”. ]

So I stopped brushing and flashed Hubby my usual disgusted look. I mean, seriously? He grinned back sheepishly. “What’s really funny”, he added, “is the song that’s playing in my head right now?”

I waited…(Everything I Do) I Do It for You by Bryan Adams.

I thanked him for planting that song in my head right before bed, and then I thanked him for emitting his gaseous fumes in a thick, cloying green fog right beside the “facilities”, at my eye level…before I got to use the “facilities”.

“You’re welcome. Hold your breath.”  And then he started humming…

You know it’s true
Everything I do,
I do it for you

So long as you have food…

Tags

humour

I started researching how adulthood is like high school, because let’s be honest, even though high school was back in the dark ages, it doesn’t take much to make me feel like a lonely, insecure nerd again.

I remember looking forward to adulthood and thinking “it will be so much better when…” …how did I finish that sentence? I don’t remember the specfics any more, just that elusive feeling of hope that it would be better. I would have love and security and a house with a white picket fence. I wouldn’t worry about grades and boys so much. Life itself wouldn’t hurt so much. It would be so much better.

But it isn’t better.

Instead of a perfect family and a white picket fence, I have men who bombard my couch with noxious butt fumes in my semi-detached box. Instead of actual grades on tests and exams, I’m forever grading myself on how well I perform as a wife and mother, as an employee, as a friend. Instead of worring about boys liking me, I’m worrying about men who don’t always respect me. And life still hurts.

So last week, I took a break from blogging (afterall, a survivor of the 2017 A-to-Z Challenge needs time to recuperate). I barely looked at my laptop. I didn’t pick up my camera. Instead, I watched Masterchef Australia and tried some new recipes…mushroom risotto, lemon blueberry muffins, lime-coconut muffins, pasta sauce, and Lemon Chicken & Potatoes.  Yum!

Good thing I got a FitBit for my birthday. I need to “feed” it too before those extra pounds invite friends for the Summer! Life still kinda’ sucks right now but…

so long as you have food in your mouth, you have solved all questions
for the time being. – Franz Kafka

A-to-Z Challenge Recap

Tags

#atozchallenge, humour

Just in case  you missed it! Back tomorrow with Wednesday’s photo of the week – could be squirrels or could be snow. We’ve gone from winter woolies to summer shorts, and back again in a few days’ time so anything can happen! 🙂

***

A is for Adored – the story of Rahab

B is for Bats – a funny, family story

C is for Cows – Wilderness Wednesday photo

D is for Diapers & Driving Lessons – 10 positives to kids 16 years apart

E is for Evil Alarm Clocks – what’s new in technological warfare for the anti-morning person

F is for Fans – another bat story

G is for GPS – Weekly Photo Challenge with Geese

H is for Hineni – new word, new perspective

I is for Introvert – we do have a voice

J is for Jars – maple syrup…yum!

K is for Killaloe – my favourite flavour of a yummy Canadian treat

L is for Lighthouse

M is for Minecraft – why it’s good for kids (and this big kid)!

N is for Nana’s Hands – a poem about my Grandmother

O is for Vimy Oaks – a story 100 years in the making

P is for Pink – pink pictures!

Q is for I Quit – Or surrender!

R is for Rome – where I most want to roam

S is for Squirrel Games – the antics of my nemesi

T is for Taffy – a salt-water memory

U is for Ugly Underwear Guy – a former neighbour

V is for Video Games – why I play Halo

W is for We Fall Apart – the beauty of grief

X is for XL – sometimes we need the biggest size

Y is for Youth  – as in the Raging Inferno of My Dying Youth

Z is for Zuma – our froggie friends!

Z is for Zuma

Tags

#atozchallenge, frogs, nature, photography

My parents live in the country and are serenaded each spring and summer by tree frogs.

One evening two years ago, we noticed a little green frog enjoying the big cushy chair. We named him Zuma.

After posing for photos, Zuma worked his way to the floor of the deck and tried to squeeze himself down a crack between the boards, head first. He succeeded in making a fool of himself, legs flailing hopelessly in the air. My Dad sat closer to try to take his picture while in this ridiculous pose. Humiliated, Zuma crawled under Dad’s boot to hide…

…where he stayed for close to an hour. I took pity on my Dad (the gentle giant) and made a temporary frog shelter (NB: these cups also make great mousetraps).

By sunset, Zuma had left his house to regale his friends of his near-death encounter with the “giants”.

Last year, Little Guy enjoyed playing with Zuma II in the pool!

(We encountered Hogarth last October, and he was not impressed with me).

I’m looking forward to Summer more than you are looking forward to the end of this post, and for those who participated, the end of the a-to-z challenge. It has been a LOT of fun!

Thanks to everyone who stopped by to visit, and especially to those who took time to comment. I appreciated the feedback an encouragement! 🙂

 

Y – The Raging Inferno of My Dying Youth

Tags

#atozchallenge, humour, youth

It’s official – I am now another year closer to death. Happy Birthday to ME.

It also means I’m closer to the inevitable…the raging inferno of my dying youth!

It’s bad enough I’m struggling to accept 1) my 3 gray hairs that keep coming back and bringing friends; 2) weight gain just by thinking about dessert; and,3) the pain in my feet heralding the approaching end of high heels. It would seem that I am acquiring a new set of tell-tale signs in the next stage of aging…

• Night sweats

I sleep alone and yet, I still wrestle with temperature control.

• Sleep Problems 

I have trouble going to sleep. I have trouble staying asleep. By 6 a.m. I’m finally heading into a deep sleep and my alarm goes off. I hear every little noise; I worry about the craziest things.

• Mood changes

There’s a fine line between love and homicide, and I’ve had increasingly “homicidal” days. This week I thought about quitting my job and taking up pole dancing…then I remembered that I’m fat, I have the upper body strength of a fairy, and I can’t really dance.

I have less patience with people and increasingly I feel more like a “secretary with a crossbow” at work. I congratulate myself at the end of the day because I haven’t beaten anyone with a chair…maybe my people skills are improving? I suppose that’s better than feeling sorry for myself – I don’t have the patience for that either!

Maybe I should put this sign up:

• Weight gain and slowed metabolism

I’m on a low-fat diet…my fat hangs lower every year. And while guys still notice my boobs, they have to bend forward to see them. My doctor was impressed that not only have I maintained my weight since 2011, I’ve lowered it a bit every year…which makes me wonder more and more what is in my closet that makes my clothes shrink?

• Memory Loss

I forgot was I going to say…

• Dry skin

It’s bad enough that my snow white gams are blinding on a cloudy day…or at midnight, but now they’re white and flaky too. It’s like leg dandruff, and that’s. not. sexy.

• Verbal Incontinence

Do I need to say more?

• Hot flashes (or power surges)

I would love a smoking body, but this is not what I had in mind. I am developing 2 temperature settings – hypothermia and hell! Some would suggest I consider it a mini vacation in the tropics…but it’s still only my living room, and I still can’t wear a bikini (they’ve outlawed whaling). I would happily strip in a snowbank if I wasn’t afraid of getting arrested for indecent exposure. I’ve watched “Orange is the New Black” – I’m not strong enough for prison! I might not mind so much if the heat melted off some extra fat, particularly around my knees, elbows and “bingo wings“. Just how does one “de-chubbify” ones’ knees and elbows? But …

Time is not only no longer on my side; it has totally defected. It sucks!

I’ve considered developing a long-term relationship with Mr.Bubble, Dr. Pepper and Henry (O Henry!), except that I’m afraid to take baths and Dr. Pepper ‘s caffeine doesn’t help the sleep situation. That leaves Henry (O Henry!) and I feel guilty every time I cheat on Hubby.

But if my eyebrows start migrating to my chin, all bets are off! Dad, I’m gonna need more of these!

Yup! It’s the beginning of “the raging inferno of my dying youth”!

Everybody look out!