I’ve joined the Fitness Protection Program, not that anyone is asking why I’m not writing entertaining posts about fitness anymore. But now that I’ve blown my cover by putting the subject out in the open, I’ve compiled a list of 10 reasons why I (may) never run (again)!
1. I’m not strong enough for prison! I own over 7 bras and none of them provide enough support! While I’m not overly concerned with my own safety, I am concerned for others. Boxers, karate masters, and navy seals have to exercise caution. One wrong move and they could be considered lethal weapons. When I start moving, I could too.
2. I don’t want to destroy public property. Last week I went for a power walk. Within a block of home, I blew out my shoe and had to finish my journey barefoot. If I have that much power in my teeny-tiny tootsies when I’m just walking, how much power do I generate when I run?
3. I don’t want to blow the Town’s Emergency Services’ budgets unnecessarily. Last year when I went running, I kept my ears open for ambulance and fire truck sirens: ambulance, in case someone thought I was having a seizure and fire truck, in case my thighs actually started a fire.
I’m sorry I called the police for help when I saw you running. I thought you were in trouble. I didn’t realize you were doing this for fun!
4. I don’t want to be “that neighbour”. You know the one that steps outside and suddenly everyone is hiding behind bushes and peeking out at behind curtains. One small child wails, while the birds are eerily silent. I don’t want to traumatize the small children on my street or become the subject of their nightmares. There are several young families who enjoy riding their bikes and picnicking on their front lawns. Let them enjoy their innocence while they can.
5. I don’t want my ears to hurt. I looked it up and it’s a real thing. I thought I was just crazy. Either way, when I start running and getting hot and sweaty, my ears start to ache and it’s uncomfortable. I only want achy ears because I’ve spent the night rocking out at a concert!
6. I don’t want to be a distraction to drivers. The RCMP defines distracted driving as “a form of impaired driving as a driver’s judgment is compromised when they are not fully focused on the road.” I’m pretty sure this qualifies:
7. I don’t want to hurry home. There will still be a pile of chores to be done, questions to be answered, and…smells to combat! I live in a houseful of men, after all (with the exception of our guinea pig who has her own aromatic issues). Running just gets me there faster! Why not stop and smell the roses instead?
8. I don’t want my body to hate me! The conversation goes like this:
Brain: Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
Lungs: I hate you. Feet: I’m going to turn into 20 lb weights now.
Butt: You lied. You told me I looked great!
Legs: Woo hoo! Jell-o!
Everything else: I’m going to randomly start hurting until you stop this nonsense!
9. I don’t want to find any dead bodies. Have you ever noticed that it’s the runners (especially those early morning psychos) that stumble upon remains in wooded areas? Either they are the culprit or they are really unlucky!
10. I don’t want to!
This doesn’t mean I’ll stop enjoying long, romantic walks to the fridge, or leisurely strolls around the block on recycling night (because knowing which neighbour is hooked on high-sugar cereals could be important in the event of a zombie apocalypse)!
But if you happen to see me running any time soon, you’d better run too ‘cuz it means there’s something chasing me!