10 Reasons I (no longer) Run

Tags

fitness, humour, runners

I’ve joined the Fitness Protection Program, not that anyone is asking why I’m not writing entertaining posts about fitness anymore.  But now that I’ve blown my cover by putting the subject out in the open, I’ve compiled a list of 10 reasons why I (may) never run (again)!

1. I’m not strong enough for prison! I own over 7 bras and none of them provide enough support! While I’m not overly concerned with my own safety, I am concerned for others. Boxers, karate masters, and navy seals have to exercise caution. One wrong move and they could be considered lethal  weapons. When I start moving, I could too.

2. I don’t want to destroy public property. Last week I went for a power walk. Within a block of home, I blew out my shoe and had to finish my journey barefoot. If I have that much power in my teeny-tiny tootsies when I’m just walking, how much power do I generate when I run?

3. I don’t want to blow the Town’s Emergency Services’ budgets unnecessarily. Last year when I went running, I kept my ears open for ambulance and fire truck sirens: ambulance, in case someone thought I was having a seizure and fire truck, in case my thighs actually started a fire.

I’m sorry I called the police for help when I saw you running. I thought you were in trouble. I didn’t realize you were doing this for fun!

4. I don’t want to be “that neighbour”. You know the one that steps outside and suddenly everyone is hiding behind bushes and peeking out at behind curtains. One small child wails, while the birds are eerily silent. I don’t want to traumatize the small children on my street or become the subject of their nightmares. There are several young families who enjoy riding their bikes and picnicking on their front lawns. Let them enjoy their innocence while they can.

5.  I don’t want my ears to hurt. I looked it up and it’s a real thing. I thought I was just crazy. Either way, when I start running and getting hot and sweaty, my ears start to ache and it’s uncomfortable. I only want achy ears because I’ve spent the night rocking out at a concert!

6. I don’t want to be a distraction to drivers. The RCMP defines distracted driving as “a form of impaired driving as a driver’s judgment is compromised when they are not fully focused on the road.”  I’m pretty sure this qualifies:

7. I don’t want to hurry home. There will still be a pile of chores to be done, questions to be answered, and…smells to combat! I live in a houseful of men, after all (with the exception of our guinea pig who has her own aromatic issues). Running just gets me there faster! Why not stop and smell the roses instead?

8. I don’t want my body to hate me! The conversation goes like this:

Brain: Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
Lungs: I hate you. Feet: I’m going to turn into 20 lb weights now.
Butt: You lied. You told me I looked great!
Legs: Woo hoo! Jell-o!
Everything else: I’m going to randomly start hurting until you stop this nonsense!

9. I don’t want to find any dead bodies. Have you ever noticed that it’s the runners (especially those early morning psychos) that stumble upon remains in wooded areas? Either they are the culprit or they are really unlucky!

10. I don’t want to!

This doesn’t mean I’ll stop enjoying long, romantic walks to the fridge, or leisurely strolls around the block on recycling night (because knowing which neighbour is hooked on high-sugar cereals could be important in the event of a zombie apocalypse)!

But if you happen to see me running any time soon, you’d better run too ‘cuz it means there’s something chasing me!

Happy Weekend!

Yoga (for a Dummy)

Tags

fitness, humour

I’m the dummy, just in case I was unclear. I finally popped in the Gentle Yoga for Beginners DVD that I bought almost 2 years ago. I should feel guilty but I don’t…ok, maybe a little but in all fairness, I didn’t own yoga pants at the time. I didn’t know what comfort I was missing…AND (bonus) Hubby made the mistake of telling my yoga pants look better on me than my size 2 jeans (once he realized his error, he apologized and promised that would never happen again…) I went to a yoga class once and while I humiliated myself couldn’t do most all of the poses, I survived. I could even walk carefully the next day.

So I picked from the “Easiest” menu – “Floor and Knees” (which just sounded dirty). This is what I discovered:

• My yoga mat still smells new…probably because it…kind of….is new…
• I have never been particularly bendy…that has not improved with age.
• When I lift my left arm over my head, my shoulder grinds more loudly than a coffee bean grinder.
• I wonder how I ever survived Kindergarten sitting cross-legged?
• My toes and ankles snap a lot…just like my Dad.
• Once I get down on the floor, I might not be able to get up.
• If I lie on the floor and do the back stroke for 35 minutes, while breathing heavy…it’s strangely similar to what I just did…
• There is a pose called “Cow”…it seemed particularly appropriate! It may have even been named after me. “Beached Whale” would be appropriate too!
• It’s boring…I was supposed to be lying there, relaxing…picturing a string through the core of my body that was stretching and widening (or something like that)…instead, I was thinking about how bored I was and the fact that I was getting cold.
• So while the instructor was mumbling something about trees, I did a few push-ups and planked (is that a word?) before settling on the couch for another episode of Downton Abbey, with a cup of blueberry green tea (which tastes like straw) and thinking about pretzels (for some bizarre reason).

Maybe green tea, like this kind of gentle yoga, is an acquired taste for a yoga dummy like me… 😉

Mud Hero Finale

Tags

family, fitness, humour, midlife crisis, photography

Once upon a time, I had this crazy notion that I wanted to run in the mud. Somehow I convinced a perfectly sane person to run in the mud too…and she convinced others. And together we ran Mud Hero – a 6 km, 18 obstacle race!

***

Did it feel as long reading through it as it did to me running through it?  I just didn’t want to forget a single detail! Believe it or not – I did anyway. Like G.I. Jane chatting up some girl near the end (she was really into him…and he didn’t get her phone number!!) or the fact that as they counted down the last minute to “run time” I nearly cried (not from fear but joy that I was actually able to do this)! I glossed over the excruciating trek back to the car when I wanted to cry again – I was just that tired. Did I mention that my chiropractor, who not only encouraged me but got so excited she pulled together a team too, drove by (during that long trek) and stopped to say “hi”?

I can’t begin to tell you how good it still feels, almost a week later, to look at that photo finish and see my face in that muddy crowd? Want to see it too?

Before the Mud!

After the Mud: Muscle Pose!!!

That’s me in the middle on the right with the glasses…my hair isn’t grey…it’s muddy!  Big Guy is wearing the cap behind me. How many Moms get to say they ran Mud Hero with their son?

Cleaning up all that mud was a chore because we were already exhausted! We met Hubby and Little Guy for dinner…in a nice restaurant…then I went home and showered. I should have dealt with the clothes first…

The shirt on the right was not rinsed at the event, and it was caked in muddy slime (Mud Hero had an ad that said “Our mud is 100% organic and gluten-free”! The shirt on the left was rinsed, and as you can see, it made a small difference…it’s not quite as brown!  We found a new use for Hubby’s “crack ho“…

Power Wash

We packed up Sunday and headed to my parents for the week, making as few trips up and down stairs as possible (too stiff and sore…)! Our clothes were washed first, and they are permanently stained. But I don’t care…as they say:

Mud Hero: The Best Part Never Washes Away!

Happy Labour Day Weekend!

 

Mud Hero (Part IV)

Tags

adventure, family, fitness, humour, midlife crisis, Mud Hero

Once upon a time, I had this crazy notion that I wanted to run in the mud. Somehow I convinced a perfectly sane person to run in the mud too…and she convinced others. And together we ran Mud Hero – a 6 km, 18 obstacle race!

***

Up to this point, my shoulders, face, ears, and hair were hardly splattered, and my shirt was still snow white (except for the large handprint Big Guy blessed me with back at Obstacle #4). I should have clued in when every person running toward me stopped to rinse their hands and sometimes faces. Obstacle #14 was a large slide into a mud pit. I climbed the rope to the platform (with boards to brace my feet on) with surprising ease…my weight-lifting efforts paid off after all. Then slid down – how hard is that? I was overconfident…I tried to slow down by bracing my feet against the sides…I really did…but my efforts proved to be futile…I might as well have just cannon-balled into that pit because when I hit, I went under…all the way under…I had mud everywhere (and trust me, there are places where you should never have mud – it’s just wrong!). The professional photographer caught that moment in two close-up shots. Too bad I can share them (I have to purchase them first)…

My glasses were coated and mud had splashed in one eye, so I could hardly see. As I struggled to climb out of the mud pit, my feet slipping in the thick, black muck, I heard a voice tell me to reach out my hand. I could see one of my team members, a knight in shining soiled armour, dark hair blowing in the wind, outstretched arm, and he helped pull me from the mire. He didn’t even stay long enough to give me a chance to say thank you…

Someone at the water station took pity on me and gave me a roll of toilet paper so I could wipe my eyes and glasses before heading to Obstacle #15. I remembered seeing this obstacle on the drive in earlier in the day. It required scaling a rock wall and sliding down a fire pole. Again, I scaled that wall with ferocious speed. I also slid down that pole with ferocious speed, thanks to the muddy hands that gone before me. The closer I got the ground, the faster I slid, the mud squishing between my fingers. I could hear a couple of girls trying to talk their friend down, telling her that the harder she gripped the pole, the slower she would slide. Liars!

I could tell we were nearing the end and even though my legs were sore, and my left knee was starting to complain, I made an effort to keep running. There was a young couple with a baby watching the path along the road, and the Mom raised the baby’s arms and cheered, so I raised my arms and cheered too. I really appreciated their encouragement!

Only 3 obstacles to go – the end was in nigh! Obstacle #16 seemed easy enough, until I was in the middle of it. The Lake Walk is appropriately named – walking in waist-deep water in a nebulous lake. It was a long walk, or perhaps it just seemed that way as I stumbled and my legs started to scream with every step. It was no longer about lung endurance – it was all about muscle endurance. I could feel fatigue washing over me…I was too tired to even try to wash off any mud. Once I reached the beach, it felt like everything around me was accelerating. I could hear cheering, a D.J. shouting, and loud music. The excitement was palpable…and hope was alive! I was going to survive.

Obstacle#17 was an inflatable slide, only this slide was higher and it didn’t have mud at the bottom. I scaled it with ease and tried not to scream on the way down. And then the final obstacle, the obstacle shown in photographs all over the website…the Dirtlicious Mud Crawl! I hear our leader shout, “it’s time to get dirty”! As I fell (literally slipped and slid in on my butt again), I heard the D.J. offer congratulations to…and he said my name…how cool is that! Dirtlicious was just like the first obstacle – mud pit, crawl under logs…except the logs were much lower, and the mud was much soupier! All the better for post-race photo shots! Rather than crawl, I simply pulled my body along with my arms. I saw the professional photos and I look like I’m dripping melted milk chocolate!

Three of my team mates were waiting just before the finish line and we held hand and crossed it together. We cheered, we gave each other high-5s, we lined up to receive our medal…and we posed for a picture (to be posted Friday), before we hit the “showers” (i.e., PVC pipes that dripped lake water and were pretty…useless), changed into clean clothes in a sweltering port-a-potty…and trekked 1 kilometer…uphill…back to the car…Big Guy forgot to bring shoes to change into, so he had the added bonus of walking back to the car in bare feet. I was stiff, sore, scratched, sun-burned and a psyched (not psycho) Survivor!

Post-script: All week I’ve been singing 2 songs by Switchfoot (Album: Vice Verses)…I also listened to them on the way to the race. I won’t post the lyrics but if you like music or you’re a wee bit curious, here are the Youtube links:

Dark Horses

Afterlife

Mud Hero (Part III)

Tags

adventure, family, fitness, humour, midlife crisis, Mud Hero

Once upon a time, I had this crazy notion that I wanted to run in the mud. Somehow I convinced a perfectly sane person to run in the mud too…and she convinced others. And together we ran Mud Hero – a 6 km, 18 obstacle race!

***

Obstacle #7 has kept me awake for nights because it involves tight spaces. I wasn’t worried about the mud-filled trench; I anticipated being covered with mud anyway. It was thinking about climbing through the tunnel that made me hyperventilate and break into a cold sweat in the middle of the night. We were supposed to crawl through a metal tube, through the mud trench with wires criss-crossing the surface (so you have to get down and get dirty), and then crawl up another metal tube. It was aptly named “Light at the End of the Tunnel”.

Yikes!!!

Although I had the option of skipping it, I was hoping that the excitement of the run would override my claustrophobia so I wouldn’t have any regrets. When the time arrived, all fear was gone…as well as the first set of tubes. I only had to cross the mud trench first, then climb up the metal tube, and Big Guy was behind me to encourage me if I got stuck or started to freak out. Of course I slipped climbing into the pit, fell on my butt, and slid right on in! It felt amazing to not only survive, but to thrive!

By this point, I was walking more than running between obstacles, and I was feeling nauseous after drinking water at the water station. The pathways were more modest ups and downs, and longer stretches on an even keel. The obstacles were also closer together. While part of our team still steamed ahead, more were hanging behind and enjoying the journey…joking around and cheering for each other at the tough obstacles.

Obstacle #8 was the Spidey Web. I had to weave between the ropes and trees, ducking and twisting, to get to the other side. I moved through it slowly, often waiting to let those who were moving faster get by me. My legs were starting to hurt and I focused just on the ropes immediately in front of me so I wouldn’t be discouraged by the amount of ground I had to cover. After another short run, I came to Obstacle #9 – the Hero Wall. There are 2 ways over this 8’ wall – either climbing over using a suspended rope, or climbing over using the wooden handholds. One way is easy; one way is hard. I didn’t even notice that there were 2 ways over, and thankfully (for once), I had chosen the easier way. There was also a ledge on the other side, so I didn’t have to jump!

Obstacle #10 was the Mystery Obstacle, but it was one of my favourites because it was the easiest (for me). It also had an easy and a hard choice…and I took the hard choice…the higher Balance Beam across a very murky looking pond. I confidently hustled across it and kept right on truckin’!

Obstacle #11 lived up to its name: Tipsy Turvy…that’s exactly how my legs felt when I was done. It required crawling or balancing across 30 feet of rope netting. In my case, it meant striking my least favourite yoga pose, downward dog…not that I do yoga because I am not bendy! I inched my way across…sideways…very slowly. While others were crawling forwards, one yahoo decided to use the wooden centre beam as a balance beam and dashed across. It wasn’t really a “legal” move but there were no referees.

Obstacle #12, the Camo Crawl required another tight space, but since I had aced the Light at the End of the Tunnel, I didn’t stop to think about it. In the pictures, the Camo Crawl involved crawling under a camouflage net, but instead it was a solid wooden structure across the dry ground. It was hard on my elbows and knees. I imagine that’s where I acquired a few scrapes and bruises (aka “war wounds”).

The Water Bridge was lucky Obstacle #13. It was basically a 2-way bridge with a spray of water on one side. The water was cold and I would have appreciated it more at the beginning of the race when I could still run…in more than in an effort to not look stupid short bursts of enthusiasm. Every person running toward me stopped to rinse their hands and sometimes faces. That should have been a big red flag…

Mud Hero (Part II)

Tags

adventure, family, fitness, humour, Mud Hero

Once upon a time, I had this crazy notion that I wanted to run in the mud. Somehow I convinced a perfectly sane person to run in the mud too…and she convinced others. And together we ran Mud Hero – a 6 km, 18 obstacle race!

***

Big Guy and I: Before the Mud!

3…2…1…the air horn sounds, people shout and fist pump in the air, the crowd surges forward, and as the space starts to clear around me, I shout and fist pump too…and I start to run…For the first stretch and up the first hill, I manage to keep pace with our leader, who is running in the middle of our “team pack”. But by the second hill, I am quickly losing ground…my heart is pumping and my lungs are burning. By the third hill, I have lost sight of everyone. I know one person is behind me but I have no idea where Big Guy and G.I. Jane are…who’s going to push and pull me through? I remind myself: “slow and steady”. The team wait for me at the first obstacle. By the fourth hill, I was thinking “I must be almost there”. I head down a short hill and around the corner, thinking “this isn’t so ba…oh crap!” This isn’t a hill – this is a freakin’ mountain! Cue “Platoon” moment now! Ok, it wasn’t a mountain but my oxygen-deprived brain was perceiving this steep, rugged upward incline as a mountain. People were groaning and sliding all around me as we dug in yet again. I was determined not to die in the first kilometer. When we broke through the trees and began running along the road, to the amusement of the runners trekking to the entrance from the parking lot, I recognized that this was the area where I first heard the sounds of “death screams” erupting from the woods. Surely it was only a matter of minutes before I would be among the wailers and gnashers of teeth.

After more hills (I swear, this run was all uphill except for the one steep hill down – with skinny trees to hug on the descent lest we fall and wipe out those going before us), I reached the first obstacle. To get to it, I first had to skirt the edge of a 10 foot patch of 3” thick mud that reeked of sewage. Only one team member was MIA, which gave me a moment to catch my breath. The first obstacle was a sloshing mud pit, about waist high. The edges were sloped and caked with thick black mucky mud, making it difficult to descend without sliding right in. I plunge in anyway, the mud threatening to suck off my shoes and trap me forever. I manage to slosh across the pit, ducking under thick logs with just enough room to not drag my chin in it. Others chose to back stroke under them. A team mate helped me up the thick incline on the other side, and with heavy feet (our shoes were filled with mud and water after all), we ran…

Obstacle #2 was the Deep Woods run. As the path stretched further into the woods and became more rugged – tree limbs, uneven ground, pits and hollows. We climbed over fallen trees on the path and still we ran. Three team members were behind me; the remainder had vanished on the shifting horizon.

Obstacle #3 – Over and Under. The obstacle consisted of three 3½-4 foot wooden walls (without benefit of hand/foot holds) to scale and 3 logs to crawl under. I had no problem with the Under, but I needed a boost for the Over! More running past the 2 kilometer mark to a traffic jam at Obstacle #4…another wall to scale without benefit of rope or hand/foot holds. It was only 5 feet tall; I am only 5’1½” tall (the ½” is important. It was about a 15 minute wait for our turn, giving us lots of time to cool off and joke around. Big Guy thought I was still too clean, so planted a few wet hand prints on my back. Even after rinsing and washing my t-shirt, one hand print stain remains! I’m proud to say that I took a run at that wall and I scaled her, baby! All. By. Myself! My team cheered from the top of the hill…and we ran…

We ran into a clear space…right next to the D.J. and the starter pit, lined with spectators. I had to keep running so I didn’t look so pathetic! Obstacle #5: Cars! Do you have any idea how hard it is to climb onto the hood of a car with muddy shoes? Obstacle #5 involved 2 cars parked back to back, with the windows covered in plywood. Getting up was easier than getting off – slide down the back of the car and hope you don’t fall off! Run…and do it again! I nearly fell off the fourth vehicle and when I started to slide, I leaped and prayed I’d be like a cat – land on my feet! I did!

Cargo Climb (from Mud Hero’s website). I’m not in it – but I did go over it!

We chugged a cup of cool water before Obstacle #6, the Super Hero Cargo Climb, also in full view of spectators! The rope was course on my hands and it swayed with the force of several climbers. An official photographer snapped my picture and I’m keeping an eye out, just in case my face shows up in some of their promotional photos. I seriously doubt that will ever happen. Normally heights don’t bother me and climbing up and down, it didn’t. It was only in that brief moment when I reached the top and my hand hold was now down by my knees and not at my shoulders, that I felt my heart in my throat. I felt light, unencumbered, strong…

I could see Big Guy and our leader watching from the ground, smiling encouragingly, so I kept moving. I had made it this far, but I could see the next obstacle, and it was the one that had been keeping me awake for nights…

Mud Hero (Part I)

Tags

adventure, family, fitness, humour, Mud Hero

Once upon a time, I had this crazy notion that I wanted to run in the mud. Somehow I convinced a perfectly sane person to run in the mud too…and she convinced others. And together we ran Mud Hero – a 6 km, 18 obstacle race!

***

Obviously this tale has a happy ending and I survived with the full use of my hands, and not confined to a hospital bed. But it was still quite a day! With the exception of being a bit stiff, sore, scratched and slightly sunburned, I am so happy!

I had trouble sleeping the night before the race (I’m a nervous pee-er), so I was sleepy yet still up early to cook breakfast… eggs and sausage for my “last supper”. What was I thinking? Lasagna would have been a much better breakfast! Or chocolate cheesecake…Big Guy and I picked up G.I. Jane, Big Guy’s friend who decided to dress like a ninja (i.e., black jumpsuit), and hit the road by 9:30 (I often refer Big Guy and his friend as “Dumb and Dumber”). We all noticed the line-up of dump trucks at Tim Horton’s, but I was so nervous, I was nauseous and I didn’t even want tea. For anyone who knows me well, knows that I have to be in bad shape to say “no” to a cup of tea, especially Tim’s tea.

We arrived to a line up at the Conservation Area and marvelled at several groups of runners as we crawled along. Some people wore team shirts, while others were dressed in hot pink tights or neon striped socks and headbands. Parking lot A was full, so we kept driving up the hill. Parking lot B was full…passed a farm yard full of vehicles, around a corner, up another hill…Parking lot C was not full. It was, however, a field on the side of a steep hill. Since we were at the bottom of that hill, we abandoned anything we didn’t need to carry. I abandoned my purse and the towels. I packed my change of clothes and flip flops, camera, wallet, cell phone and 1 bottle of water. And we made the 1 km trek to the entrance of Mud Hero. As we neared the entrance, I could hear screaming and groaning coming from the woods on the left. It sounded like a village being torn to pieces by an unseen foe in a sci-fi horror film, and I broke into a cold sweat…

We waved furiously when our team drove by! I also called Hubby and told him seriously consider whether to come since he’d likely have to park so far away, and since Little Guy wasn’t keen to come anyway, a long walk + a grouchy boy would not = a happy day for the guys! Good thing I brought one of the cameras.

We registered without incident, pinned our bibs to our shirts, and tied our tracking chip to our shoes. So they could find my body after all! I went to take a “before” picture but even though I had charged the battery the day before, it would only turn on and off. Murphy’s Law! I have a “before” picture on my cell phone, which I will retrieve soon. I need “technical help”…We found the rest of our team, checked our bags, and lined up outside the “starter pit”!

Gates to the starter pit opened 15 minutes before the race. The starter pit was the area where we stood in the blazing sun like a herd of cattle waiting to be slaughtered. There were about 300 of us in the noon wave. Loud throbbing music, and an even louder D.J. tried to get the adrenaline pumping and stir up enthusiasm. I was more concerned about conserving my strength.

As the final countdown began, an upbeat version of Adagio for Strings from Platoon began to play. If you’ve seen the movie, you will recall that famous scene when Elias (played by Willem Dafoe) is running for the helicopter with a mass of enemy running behind him. And that poignant moment when he finally falters and falls to his knees in slow motion. He reaches to the sky and falls just as the helicopter flies over him. I found it ironic. Here I was, about to run for my life with an army of runners behind me (about 200 to be exact)…and at some point, I will likely fall to my knees and lift my hands to the heavens before I collapse and my body is trampled in the muck!

10…9…8…hug Big Guy and shout “I want to be cremated”

…5…4…take a deep breath

…2…1…an air horn, loud shouts and fist pumps. I shout and fist pump too – this might be my final swan song. The space around starts to clear as people press forward…and I start to run…

Top 5 Reasons Mud Hero is a BIG deal…to me!

Tags

adventure, family, fitness, humour, midlife crisis, Mud Hero

You’re probably among the vast majority who are thinking “enough with the Mud Hero already.  We get it – you’re a dirty girl!” So I thought I’d share the top 5 reasons that this is a BIG deal to me – keep reading or tune in next week (assuming I’m not hospitalized or worse…) when the next midlife crisis starts…

1) Just after Little Guy was born, I threw my back out so far I’m still looking for it. I also developed other health issues (that weren’t diagnosed for several years) and at 32, I was facing a long lifetime of chronic and debilitating pain! It has taken me a long time to get where I am (which still requires medication, rest, and moderation) so imagine the hope and joy of rediscovering movement…to go from being unable to take a shower without a physical and emotional breakdown, to lifting weights and running 5km. It isn’t something I thought I could do before Little Guy came along, and it certainly wasn’t something I thought I could even consider doing after.

2) I have never been athletic or bendy! I was the kid who ran into the bar during high jump, came in last in every sprint, and ducked whenever the ball came near me. I tried out for the soccer team once – I had no idea what I was doing (i.e., why I was trying out or literally, what. I. was. doing)! I figure skated because it was the closest thing to “dance” in our town but that’s it for physical activity! I hated gym class with a dark passion! So the fact that I’m engaging in an activity that requires physical activity both prior to and during the event, is nothing short of a miracle!

3) I look stupid in shorts! I rarely wear shorts. With the exception of my one pair of yoga shorts (which someone gave me), I only own one other pair of shorts, and they are 7 sizes too big! I wear skirts or jeans. And at the risk of sounding crude, I don’t quite know what to do with bouncing boobs. I don’t want to put anyone’s eye out or simply knock them unconscious. It’s a problem. So right there – the dress code – is taking me out of my comfort zone!

4) I am not confident, outgoing, or a risk-taker…but if I’m going to do it – now is the time! I should have looked into it more careful before I starting encouraging anyone to join me in my madness midlife crisis. I may be an introverted perfectionist but mud should be pretty forgiving! I’m getting used to looking pretty stupid anyway. I am more concerned about how my efforts and decisions will impact the others on my team. Most of my team mates train one-on-one in a gym on a regular basis…I fancy about in runners and (ridiculously snug) shorts with my 8 lb weights. . I am afraid I will disappoint them.

5) If there’s a hard way to do something, I will find it! And I am a danger to myself and others…but not on purpose! I’m just not always fast on my feet. For example, I played on the church softball team in high school only because they needed a certain number of girls at each game or they had to forfeit. They tried me at third base first…until I got taken for a ride by a runner heading home at full tilt. I saw him coming, yelling, and everything went into slow motion. Like a deer in the headlights, I just stood there. He picked me up on the way by, and kindly set me down somewhere between third base and home plate…and I never played third base again…

To sum up – I am an aging, insecure, physically unfit spazz, a danger to myself and others, who is taking a leap of faith to play in the mud with strangers!

“It isn’t just mud, it’s a badge of honour!”

Run. Crawl. Climb. Don’t Die.

Tags

em, fitness, humour, Mud Hero

Well, “Ignorance was bliss”.

The Pre-Trial

I slept in Saturday morning, justifying it as saving my energy for the Trial Run later in the day. Then I did very little…until Hubby, Big Guy and I started talking about the Mud Hero Run, and Hubby found out I didn’t know what I had signed up for…and he “insisted” (with Little Guy’s help) on reading out every obstacle to me. I could feel the colour draining from my face and felt my bowels turning to water. Next, even though I was nauseous, came a period of intense stress eating: Cheddar goldfish crackers (full of gluten and dairy). I did a lot of stress eating. And as I packed my bag and headed off for the trial, I took that giant bag of crackers and “snacked” for the half hour drive.

My first impression of the obstacle course was positive. I tied up my runners and shared self-deprecating remarks with complete strangers until we were all gathered. Hubby was there, camera pointed to record my “humiliation”. Then our leader laid out “the plan”.

The Plan

Since we would be running a total of 6km during the Mud Hero Run, we would be running 6 km, in 3 blocks. She had also set up various obstacles and we would do those in between the runs. Here we go…

The Trial

Less than a third into the first run, having started at the back (knowing I’d probably be there for the duration), I passed a guy mowing his lawn, who suggested I run faster. I smiled politely and shook my head “no”. He kindly pointed out that “well, someone has to be in last place and you’re doing a great job of it”. Just what I need – a heckler! I was second last and stayed there until we stopped at the school. We were going to swing on the monkey bars. This was a great set to try out – I could touch the ground. Then we ran again…but this time I was in the middle of the pack…and I stayed there the whole time (even though I didn’t actually run the whole time). I was only a little humiliated when our youth pastor drove by, smiling and waving…

By the time we got back to the house, I was the same colour as my shirt. It felt pretty good to crawl through the wet grass as a sprinkler rained down us. Next, we hopped through the tires a couple of times before going for a stroll around the block carrying wooden beams. I was only a little humiliated by having an audience. Hubby and my pastor (his wife is our leader/trainer) cheered from their great view on the back porch.

Hop.

Then we ran…again…

This time we went in a different direction. Instead of a small gradual hill, we trailed up a long gradual hill. What’s the difference? It hurt a lot more! I stayed in the middle of the pack, staying ahead of Big Guy and his friend (I can endure more than a 23 year old? In fairness, Big Guy was wearing work boots. He didn’t listen to his Mama). A few more neighbourhood hecklers/confused on-lookers. I visited with another woman to try and distract myself from my burning thighs and screaming lungs. I made sure I was running once I could see the house – I know Hubby and his camera were waiting…

That’s me in the pink shirt – I look like I know what I’m doing…

We weren’t done yet. Next, we had to climb a 10 ft. rope. Big Guy scaled that in less than 10 seconds. I barely made it off the ground, but in the video clip Hubby [kindly] recorded, I looked good doing not much of anything! We also had to flip a tractor tire over 5 times. I was the last to go – I got into my squat position, took a deep breath and lifted…the tire didn’t budge. Holy bat crap! That thing was heavy! I might have flipped it once under my own power. Apparently my 8 lb. weights are NOT enough! And finally, we dragged a tire around the yard. I got to sit on it for Big Guy’s turn, which was really fun! I survived the final run…and the bear crawl through the yard…

Drag. (not me – Hubby was cooking and (finally) put the camera down!

Summation

I didn’t suck (at everything) and accomplished far more than I gave myself credit for. I’m convinced that my efforts to run and persevering with the weights, etc. made this Trial Run a little smoother. (OK, a lot!) And know that I’ve publicly humiliated myself, it will be easier to do so again.  Mountainstroh passed on some great advice Friday afternoon – it’s not about the speed, it’s about the finish! I’m feeling more confident that next Saturday, I can finish strong!

Or I will die trying…

Trial Run? or Trial. Run!

Tags

fitness, humour, photography

I already know I suck! Tomorrow afternoon I’m going to prove it to all the nay-sayers. No, it’s not Mud Hero weekend…that’s next weekend Gulp! (which reminds me, I need to stock up on ibuprofen and plan my funeral)…this weekend I’m attending a Trial Run for Mud Hero at my friend’s house with some of my team mates. These people may be so sorry they met me!  Hubby will be there too and I’m hoping our camera is not! I don’t know what a Trial Run will involve, but then I don’t know what Mud Hero will involve either – I haven’t looked at the website because “ignorance is bliss”!

I have persevered with lifting my little (8lb) weights every other day. I have done push-ups and sit-ups, and occasionally I’ve gone for a few runs…but I still can’t say that I’m of sound mind or body (if I was sane, would I have actually registered for this? Or even seriously considered it?) So, if I don’t post for a few days next week, here’s a picture to remember me by. Please feel free to share your condolences in the space below.

Happy Weekend!