‘The Answer to the Great Question… Of Life, the Universe and Everything… Is… Forty-two,’ said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Dear Diary -It’s week 42. Did you learn the “Answer to the Great Question… Of Life, the Universe and Everything…”? No? Me neither! I know the pandemic has made me
lazier less energetic and this year I’ve noticed a lower level of laziness energy in our local squirrels too. Or is it ingenuity?
It’s that time of year again when the squirrels dine on the fence and leave their half-eaten apples behind. Squirrels don’t eat apples, you say?
I’d say he’s horking that down like it’s his last meal! Where’s the ingenuity in leaving a mess for someone else to clean up? It’s not there – it’s here! Why scrounge apples off the ground when you can eat them IN the tree?
It’s making me rethink the whole shopping/cooking/clean up experience. Why go through all that bother if can just dine right there in the grocery store?
Dear Diary – My clock is still pyscho. It still indiscriminately starts counting the hours and bipping every time it hits midnight, regardless of what tropical paradise I was sunbathing in, in my perfect bikini body! On Sunday, it was dancing between 7:51 and 5:38. The correct time was 7:51 but at 5:38, I was flirting with Dwayne Johnson. I wanted to switch it with the clock in the office (they are the same model) but it got weirder. Thinking it might be the battery, I yoinked it out and plugged it in, but it remained frozen at midnight. So I put the battery back in. It’s still frozen at midnight and now the radio won’t turn on either. Take me away, Dwayne.
Dear Diary – It’s not outside, but inside! Believe me, I checked. There is a definite new single spider thread in the front window of my car. I’m not sure which is more terrifying. The thought that there’s a spider in my car or a mouse in Hubby’s. We don’t know if there’s any new evidence of our mousey friend since I avoid his car like the plague.
We had the shingles of our carport and back porch replaced this week. I voted for a new couch! The roofers were supposed to come Tuesday morning so I got up early. They showed up Wednesday morning while I was still in bed. They were done in a few hours and told us the bin guys would be by later to get their bin. It’s Thursday morning and there’s no sign of them. Hubby’s car is trapped in the carport and he has to go in to the office tomorrow so if he’s not home before I have to drive Little Guy to youth, I don’t have a car. Even if I did, I’m not keen on taking that mouse for a car ride. If it ran under my feet, there would be an accident. If not my car in the ditch, then I’ll be struck on the road fleeing the vehicle. Unless the bin people come.
I’m trying to work on my fear of spiders. A couple weeks ago, Little Guy came up from the basement and stood in front of me, blankfaced. “Yes?” I asked suspiciously. While he admitted he hated asking for help, he needed help. Spider! So I grabbed a shoe and the fly-swat and followed him down. It was a big one. A big black one. On the wall. Next to his pillow. [shudder]. I whacked that sucker so hard I’m surprised I didn’t crack the wall, AND I made sure there was a body. Or what was left of a body, before I went left the scene of the crime.
During our Thanksgiving dinner, I noticed a white spider creeping ever so slowly through my Mom’s flower arrangement. It took every ounce of energy to not just grab my plate and leaves. I couldn’t take my eyes off it. Eventually Auntie M came to the rescue. She coerced it onto a leaf and put it outside. The leaf was so tiny. I’m so impressed. White spiders are no less horrifying than than black ones.
But I think I’m getting braver. Instead of hollering for my Dad Thanksgiving weekend, I did this…
Sure, I did the heebie jeebie dance right before I yelled for my Dad! But see? Getting better.
Dear Diary – What new fresh nightmare is this? I’ve been scheduled to lead worship on Sunday, which is a pleasure. The nightmare is that at my new church, there’s an app for that. Specifically, an app for the background tracks used along with live instrumentation. It means I have to set up the playlist with all the settings for instrumentation and arrangement in advance. It means in addition to speaking, playing and singing, I have to click the correct buttons at the right time from the platform, or risk an incredibly awkward silence during the live service. I escaped the nightmare last month by
begging asking my friend to work it for me. And he worked it, baby! But this time, the responsibility is all mine.
Learning a new app shouldn’t be a big deal, unless you’re getting to be an old dog who is prone to panic attacks while learning new tricks! This app has colours and buttons, symbols and squiggly lines that all mean something important. I know they do! And even if I knew what they all did, at the same time no less, I have cold hands. My iPad doesn’t recognize the almost undead, so when I tap the screen, it doesn’t respond. On several occasions now, I have had to bellow for Little Guy to come “make my stupid iPad work”. Inevitably, his one tap sends my iPad into “yes master” mode and it jumps into action. I confess that sometimes I want to take that happy iPad and use it to wipe the smirk off Little Guy’s face. It’s just not fair!
I watched the tutorial after another worship leader talked me off the ledge and showed me how to use it. I’ve procrastinated a large portion of the week and I fiddled with it the rest. I have no idea if I’m even close, but I’m sure 5 minutes into rehearsal tonight, I’ll have my answer. I will have either done it all correctly or I will have blacked out from the stress. Either way, I’ll know.
Dear Diary – The bin guy came so Hubby’s car is released and I can drive my own car Friday night. Too bad I wasn’t dressed when he arrived…and Hubby was in an important meeting. I think he was more embarassed than me when I slipped out to move my car out of his way, in my nightie and robe. It was less embarrassing when that cop drove me home and I was wearing my glow-in-the-dark piggy jammies. Is everyone dressed by 10 a.m.? Normally I would be but I have a very important blog to get out.
We recently experienced a FaceBook Blackout. I didn’t even know about it until long after the fact. Immediately following it, my blog had a 306% spike the next day. I’d like to think I was wildly popular for that one day, but I think it was a panicked reaction to sudden social media withdrawal, and we all need to find something better to do with our time.
I should probably shower and get dressed…