Dear Quarantine Diary – Week #22

Tags

covid-19 diary, covid-19 humour, disasters, faith, humour, music, singing, worship

Dear Diary – My weekly Michael’s flyer arrived in my inbox today. It said “Summer is here!”. Meanwhile, it’s the end of May and I’m watching it snow outside! I took a video clip of the lilacs dancing in the breeze, as large snow globs fell from the sky, but I can’t seem to post it here. I took still photos as well, but they don’t begin to capture the horror! By the time it was thick enough for a good photo, I was too depressed. How did it go from deep summer temperatures to this?!? Good thing the cars’ snow tires are still on?

Dear Diary – On Saturday I attended a Worship Conference. I bounced out of bed early, showered, and put on a fresh pair of pjs. I threw my hair in a top-knot, applied some make-up and filled the kettle all the way to the top! From 9 to 5, I sat and swilled with other musicians, pastors and technical peeps worshipping and growing together.

This last year, it seems, has been a year of feast or famine, an extreme spectrum for us all. While some have grown weary from high expectations and great challenges to connect online with their congregations & beyond, others have grown weary from inactivity, loneliness and soul-searching. Both extremes are God’s way of challenging hearts, both in terms of who He is and who we are in Him.

I know that I have wrestled with self-doubt, especially in terms of my place and purpose in my own church home, and in the greater Church. I had left my job in October of 2019 and faced 2020 as a year of personal growth. I adopted the song, “Finish Line” to inspire me to run well. I would dig deeper in the Word. I would take steps to become healthier physically. I would write. And I would see where God was leading next. None of us had any idea that “next” would become an intense time of isolation, separation and mourning. I have dug deeper in Word and that has been my source of strength and joy. I know God is moving. Even in my life, as I continue to wait to see what’s “next”.

The second speaker, Christy Nockels, singer/songwriter, talked about life on the road. She was living “the dream” but also reaching a point of complete exhaustion. She just wanted to go “home”. It was during a time of rest that she realized that her fatigue was God’s way of rescuing her. She had everything she thought she wanted, but not what she needed most: Him. She talked about how a ready heart can look like an exhausted heart, because you have come to a place where you are ready to lay it all down and rest in Him. When we live from God, instead of for God, and when we learn to love and been seen by Him, we come home. The enemy keeps us busy so we are ineffective; God offers us rest so that He can propel us forward.

She also said “God unfolds dreams bigger than our own”. That just blows my mind, and it makes my heart ache. I don’t know what my dreams are…except to say they are to follow His dreams. And perhaps that is enough.

I also joined a break-out session for women in ministry called Boldness, with Leah Andrade. What a phenomenal woman! She said this: “You are chosen by God, divinely woven together to bring change to the world with your unmatchable story” and “your fabric is woven with God’s purpose”. O Diary…my story is pretty unremarkable, but it’s exciting to know that there is so much more going on that just what I see on the surface. To be reminded that I was chosen feels like a hug around all those places inside that hurt. I can feel the rejection and the longing to be loved melting away and being replaced by a sense of belonging. I feel hope and joy, and yes, peace. Even peace to wait. Something is coming and I want to be ready to run…

And me? I’m a mess. I’m nothing and have nothing: make something of me. You can do it; you’ve got what it takes – but God, don’t put it off.

Psalm 40:17

Dear Diary – I’m not gonna’ lie. Slipping from the softness of my bed at 6:30 Sunday morning was hard! It hurt! I wondered if it was worth it.

I had showered and laid out my clothes the night before. All I had to do was get dressed, fix my hair, apply make-up and make a large tea before heading out the door at 7:30 so I’d arrive for set-up on time. I had been asked to play with a worship team at another church. Services are still limited to 10 people so I felt comfortable in that environment. We were spread out and only 2 of us would be unmasked, and only while we were singing. I was going to get to sing and play, and not irritate anyone while doing it.

Set-up/rehearsal ran late and with 3 minutes until the start of the live service, I had to race to the restroom. I should have waited and slipped out during the sermon (sorry Pastor)! I had 20 seconds to get my in-ear monitors in. They had to be in place because, unlike the worship teams at my home church, this team played with tracks. That meant you can’t go off course or juggle your timing. You have to be precise. In addition, the only sound in the room came through the-in ear monitor…the vocals, drum, guitar and piano, which I was playing. And I was the first instrument to start with the song.

I felt like I was in a Mr. Bean skit. As the technician counted down from the back, I was scrambling to plug in my “ears”. I might have made it…had I remembered to take my face mask off first. The same thing happened at my home church 2 weeks before, as I wrestled with a face mask, 2 in-ear pieces, and a mic that clipped over one ear. I didn’t make it for the closing song, but I could hear the other musicians so I could manage. But with the only sound coming from in the in-ear, I was doomed!

I ripped the mask from my face and holding the plug by one ear, I counted. When it was time to start playing, I dropped the plug and played the first 4 bars. I could only hope that I played the correct ones! I spent the remainder of the first verse wrestling to get these things in, and praying it wasn’t all being caught on camera. I was horribly embarrassed; I’d never be able to face these people at the end of the service.

That’s when the hotflash started. It began with prickling around the back of my neck and spread into my armpits and up my face. Instead of looking like a pasty-white zombie, I was going to resemble a tomato! My hands started to shake as the back of my knees grew damp. And I wondered, what else can go wrong?

By the time we started the third song, the flush had died down. I was thankful we wouldn’t be sitting together because I was certain I no longer smelled like a rose. I allowed myself to set aside all the distractions and just worship.

As we moved into the interlude where would build toward the bridge by adding layers of complexity, our in-ear monitors went dead. I saw the lead singer stiffen and heat rising up the back of her neck. The guitarist stopped strumming. We knew the track was still playing live, and every note I was playing, but we had NOTHING! In 7 bars, the bridge would start. Would the lead singer keep going, hoping that our timing wasn’t off? Would she apologize and cite technical difficulties? Would it magically fix itself in time?

7 bars passed and I kept playing open chords. By now, the guitarist had indiscreetly turned to look at the drummer. The lead singer was madly communicating with the drummer with her eyeballs. So I glanced over too. By now, it was already past awkward. It had to be obvious to those watching that something was wrong!

But the lead singer was able to reset the track to the bridge and we had sound again. We continued on… we finished the song. The pastor prayed and introduced a short missions video. As soon as the video began, the drummer shouted “I’m so sorry”. One drumstick had gone flying (we watched it later on the video and it was hilarious) and he was preoccupied with how to discreetly pick it up. He knew he had lost the track but it wasn’t until the lead singer glanced over with fear in her eyes, that he realized he had hit the main power switch!

Needless to say, technology is great…when it works.

I picked up Tim Horton’s on the way home. I figure I deserved it after my early morning. And unlike 2 weeks ago when I treated myself to Tim’s, I got it home in one piece without spilling it and ruining my sweater! Too bad they gave me black coffee instead of black steeped tea!

I won’t be impressed with technology until it can download food.

2021 in a Word

Tags

faith, worship

Today, my talented friend, Marian Beaman, summed up her word for 2020, Beauty, before she shared her word for 2021: Beyond. Instead of focusing on what 2020 wasn’t, she masterfully looked at what it was. I encourage you to read it, for I believe there is always beauty if one chooses to look.

It’s about perspective.

Last year, I started the year with enthusiasm. Having quit my job two months earlier, I felt I was running toward something new and wonderful. A new job? Ministry opportunity? Wherever it was, I was running forward. I latched onto the concept of running with intensity, choosing “Finish line” as my “word of the year”. I even had a theme song.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize?
Run in such a way as to get the prize.

Corinthians 9:24

I spent the better part of January grieving for my job, and feeling a little lost. It’s hard to run when you’re heart is in your throat.

I began February strong, until the rug was pulled out from underneath me, and I ended up flat on my face. I crawled into God’s lap so He could hold me, and we fought fear in the dark.

In March, Covid hit and the lockdowns began.

Instead of running toward a finish line, I seemed to spend more time just sitting still. In retrospect though, I was running. I was just running to God. I ran to Him with hurts, large and small. I ran to Him with fears and insecurities, needs, questions (so many questions)! Sometimes I ran to Him because it was the sweetest place to be. I knew there was joy and peace, and beauty to sustain even the longest days.

Last Fall, I joined a Zoom Bible study, and I look forward to it resuming next week, even though it means daily homework. (Bonus: I get to see my Mom online!) This week, as I pondered my “word” for the week, the only one that came to mind was “lost”. Probably it was the best word to describe how I felt, but it isn’t the right word. I know that.

I started my homework for the study yesterday. It began in 1 Kings 9. King Solomon had completed his commission to build the Temple and his palace in Jerusalem. It took him 20 years. Perhaps after spending so many years focusing on such a great undertaking, King Solomon felt a little lost too.

There were a number of reasons that I felt it was time to leave my job, a job I loved. One of the reasons that I remained so long was that I had been given a commission, and I remained until its completion. I’m thankful it didn’t take 20 years.

Then God spoke to him, reminding him of the promise God had made 20 years earlier, if Solomon remained faithful and obedient.

Faithful ˈfāth-fəl
1. Steadfast in affection or allegiance; loyal
2: firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty; conscientious
3: given with strong assurance; binding
4: true to the facts, to a standard, or to an original

merriam-webster.com

Solomon was never given such a large undertaking again. Instead, He lived His remaining days ruling His kingdom faithfully and wisely, according to God’s statutes. Perhaps 2021 will be filled with new opportunities and adventures. Or maybe just more challenges. Or perhaps nothing spectacular at all. My kingdom is small. My impact on the world is small. And I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing, but I know who I am called to be: faithful.

It’s a very good word.

And there’s a loyalty that’s deeper than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things

So if I stand let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through
And if I can’t, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You

Rich Mullins, If I Stand

Secret Fears of a Worship Leader

Tags

humour, speaking, worship

I recently left the morning worship service during the offering prayer, because I didn’t have the music for the offertory. You should have seen the looks on the A/V crews’ faces! I found the only copy in existence buried in the pastor’s office and made it back just in time…all the while hoofing it in heels! This past Sunday, our rehearsal was rough – our technical crew all showed up late and some of my worship team members were AWOL. It all gives new meaning to the expression “Grace Under Pressure”, and it’s certainly not the first time things have gone askew.

In a recent Facebook Post in a group for Worship Leaders, someone posed this question:

“What is your greatest, consistent (often irrational) fear when it comes to leading worship?”

Here are some of the predictable and unpredictable responses, not all born from irrational fear but from frightening realities:

• forgetting to set alarm clock at home
• no water – mouth so dry
• needing to pee in the middle of a set
• yawning, hiccuping or belching into the mic
• forgetting the lyrics/words on screen not matching what you’re singing
• chipping or breaking a tooth on the mic
• tripping over the stairs, the stand or each other
•  putting the guitar capo in the wrong spot
• getting so “into” worship results in a head butt to mic
• voice cracks/squeaks at the worst possible time
• meshing words together to create new ones (e.g., sin+shame=shilame, father+king=fahking)
• leading with eyes closed, arms raised…and fly down
• choking on own spit
• missing page 2 of music
• team member goes “rogue” in the middle of a song, and the other team members get that look of horror and confusion on their faces, and the congregation picks up on it
• breaking a G string
• messy sneeze all over mic
• getting the giggles when pastor is praying
• backing away from mic to let congregation sing only to be met with silence
• stuck in repetitive loop or worse, develops verbal diarrhea while praying
• starting a song in the wrong key from everyone else
• sneaking a sip of water and missing mouth – kersplash!
• dropping guitar and ripping pants while picking it up
• toilet paper stuck on shoe
• falling off the platform
• becoming tongue-tied, or worse, babbling incoherently with no end in sight
• fainting
• technical failure
• throwing one page too many on the floor
• dropping a cuss word
• singing off-key
• stockings fall down
• losing guitar pick
• accidentally bump mic stand and it bounces back and hits you again 3 stooges style
• stuck in a pre-service poop

One of my own personal fears happened two years ago, when a team member started the intro to a song…but not the right song. He ignored the lyrics on the screen in front of him, and the loud whispering of the pastor in the front seat, in front of him (as well as assorted hissing from the congregation). He finally stopped and apologized, saying he had the wrong song open on his stand. He then proceeded to start playing again…the same wrong song. Thanks to a quick thinking A/V crew, another pastor, and the other members of our team, we went with it. During the offertory, I took off like a shot to the back to tell the crew we would be doing the original song at the beginning of the next set. Yes, in heels! A few people chuckled when I announced the original song, and we went on from there. That team member had no clue what had happened until the end of the service. And now…every time we play together…I panic a little!

Ernest Hemingway wrote “Courage is grace under pressure”. It takes grace to round up a group of volunteers and stand together as a team, in front of people who are often all too happy to point out mistakes. Not always graciously I might add. It takes dedication to practice, to roll out of bed early to set up, and to stay late to clean up. It takes sensitivity to choose songs that will flow together musically and in their message. And it takes courage to face the fear and insecurity of speaking/singing in public, and yes, to laugh at the mistakesbtoo. Worship leaders do it, week after week, not because we’re gluttons for punishment or because we’re awesome. We love the Lord and He has asked us to share our gifts this way. God said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9 NIV).

CMS 2015

Tags

adventure, faith, music, worship

At 5 a.m. on Friday, the moon was partially full with clouds scuttling across it. The birds were singing in stereo. I know this because I was taking out the trash while I waited for my ride. I even watched the sunrise over the water Friday morning, and day-dreamed about my bed at home.

I spent Friday and Saturday at the Christian Musicians Summit, but I felt a bit out of place. The Summit included corporate worship times, as well as sessions for lead worshipers, musicians, technicians, songwriters, and artists. I didn’t realize what a big deal it was until I looked at the website Thursday afternoon. Some of the clinicians and worship leaders are well-respected in the industry, like Matthew West, Rebecca St. James, Lincoln Brewster, and Mia Fieldes. So I went emergency shopping – I needed snacks and clothes! I wanted to look cool, but not like mutton dressed up as lamb.

From 9-5, I attended intense workshops and experienced amazing worship times.

In the evenings, I danced at the rock concerts. I was among the oldest in my immediate group, and the most active. What can I say? I just wanted to have fun! (And I was extremely tired and had been without caffeine for more than 24 hours…) I think they thought I was nuts!

For the past year or more, I have had questions that weigh heavily on my mind. Someone had asked me if I was a worship leader, and I didn’t know how to answer. I’m not sure what my role is? Where I fit in? What I’m supposed to be doing, or how I can grow? There’s no rubric or job description when you’re involved in a ministry; no road map pointing out the direction to go. The “constructive criticism” (or the omission of comment) has been wearing away my confidence. I am often my own worst enemy as I wrestle with feelings of doubt and inadequacy. But I still want to give my best to God and be obedient, wherever, and however I may be called. I have so much from this weekend to digest. But I can say that as I watched the sun set over the water coming home Saturday night, I am feeling refreshed.

Leadership Conference

Tags

faith, leadership, midlife crisis, music, worship

Part of my mid-life crisis has involved contemplating what makes a person a leader. I have had a couple of people in positions of authority, and who I respect, hint that they see leadership potential in me. I don’t see it! That doesn’t mean it isn’t there, and I certainly don’t want to be my own obstacle in reaching and using what leadership skills may exist. I can be my own worst enemy.

A few months ago I received an email that said “you should go” with a link. The link was for a Lead Worship Conference with Paul Baloche (for those who don’t know who that is, he is a well-known Christian song writer and worship leader). It looked great, but I had some pretty lame excuses why I shouldn’t go…The next email came from someone higher up the food chain telling me “we want you to go and we’ll be paying for it”.

So Saturday morning, I woke at 6 a.m. to the sound of sleet hitting the windows. Lovely! I got dressed, curled my hair, put on my make-up, and was ready to go by 7:30. Long after our group arrived and registered, I felt like a poser – what was I doing here with all these talented people? But once the worship service started, I didn’t’ care any more. It was like being at a concert – light displays, cameras, and amazing sound. Cool factor: they were recording for a live album so my voice is in that crowd! And I got lost in the music…

While I learned a number of practical things, it was the affirmations, like the heart of a worship leader (so maybe their ideas aren’t so far off?). It wasn’t just in what they were teaching, but in how they demonstrated it– with humility and love for each person.

If I had to choose 3 key points, they would be:

1) The secret to being a worship leader is to be in the secret place. Our personal life reflects our commitment and our worship.

2) God calls us to occupy the place He has put us in and our worship will overflow into that place.

3) leading is a privilege because we are given the potential to bring about an explosion of God’s power in broken people’s lives.

I feel a little less like a poser, thought I still have many doubts about my abilities and my place. I’m curious to see just where it might be leading…

Hands and Feet

Tags

faith, worship

As part of our reflection time at the worship service this past Saturday night, we asked those in attendance to consider adding their hand print as a statement of their willingness to be God’s Hands and Feet in our world. It was such a blessing to see so many participate. It was both a personal and meaningful exercise.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart…For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’…. it is written: ‘What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived the things God has prepared for those who love him.’ For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Therefore, “such confidence we have through Christ before God.  Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant…” The word “ministers” encompasses the entire realm of servanthood, not just pastors or deacons. God created us with a need to contribute and participate in His kingdom on earth. Our salvation is a free gift that demanded the work of Christ Jesus alone on the cross. But God requests that we join Him and be His active hands and feet in our hurting world. God has a ministry for you, and in Him, you are completely competent to receive and fulfill it. He can lead you on the adventure of a lifetime if you are willing to believe Him…

Jeremiah 29:11-13
Isaiah 55:8-9
1 Corinthians 1:9
Ephesians 2:8-10
2 Corinthians 3:4-6

Confidence

Tags

faith, music, worship

” For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” –Eph. 2:8b

Saturday’s evening worship service was supposed to begin with a short inspirational video clip from a professional baseball player. Instead, we had technical difficulties and I had to talk about the video off the top of my head. I hope I was eloquent…I really wanted to be able to use the opening I had prepared about the speaker’s two key words: passion and confidence. It seemed incredibly ironic talking about confidence, since I wasn’t feeling confident in my abilities. Passion was easy – I have passion for God, passion for worship, and passion for this service that I had helped to plan and had spent time preparing for and praying over. But confidence? Yikes! I did not feel confident sitting on a platform in front of a keyboard with a microphone practically shoved up my nose. I did not feel confident speaking or singing with a voice that had threatened to croak all week. Even in my sassy green boots, I did not feel confident that my feet wouldn’t trip on the stairs when I had to move to the piano and back. And I didn’t feel confident that my fingers would always find the right notes, or that I would sing the right words. But I did feel confident that I was right where I was supposed to be…so I started the evening by talking about confidence:

We have confidence that Jesus died for our sins and when we acknowledge Him as the Lord and Saviour of our lives, scripture tells us our sins are as far as from the east is from the west. We have confidence that He will never leave us or forsake us. We have confidence that He has a better plan and purpose for our lives. We have confidence that He loves unconditionally. And we have confidence that someday we will meet with Him face to face in eternity, and He will reign forever.

I prayed over our service for the night, asked everyone to stand…and we worshipped the Lord. Part way through the service, following a reading and time of reflection, we asked those who were willing, to participate in an exercise. Amazingly, every one did. I hope I can post a picture tomorrow so you can see our “handiwork”.

It was an amazing night, and I am so blessed to have been a part of it. Maybe one of these times, I will approach it with confidence. Then again, maybe it’s better if I don’t!

A “Rocker Chick” Wanna-Be

Tags

faith, music, worship

I have noticed something very weird lately…and a little discouraging. It’s my voice – my singing voice. It sounds awesome in the car (if I may say so). I can sing the lead or I can sing harmony! But put me on a platform with a mic and it’s pretty…wretched (if I may say so)! I wish there was a way to transfer the “car voice” to the real world.

What didn’t help at last night’s final practice was that I’m trying very hard to get a cold. I don’t know who gave me the cold since I was in solitary confinement most of last week in an effort to not use my voice (and therefore let my sore throat from Little Guy’s head butt to my nose, heal). Unlike Phoebe (from Friends), my head cold is not conducive to a sexy, smoky voice.

I don’t have a strong voice at the best of times, so the fact that the batteries in my mic kept dying also didn’t help. Maybe it was a sign… The third time we replaced them, we also moved the monitor so I could hear the piano better and then BAM! I could hear me too. I’d like to be a “rocker chick” but I think I’m just going to have to accept “Sandra Dee”…before her make-over!

This weekend, our little group is putting on another evening worship service. This will be our third, and a lot of planning, practice and prayer have gone into it. I played and sang backup from the grand piano in the corner the first time (and sang back-up on 2 songs on the platform). What a night! The second time, I struggled to accept the responsibility assigned to me – to sing and lead. God was nudging…and our “fearless leader” was nudging…and I took a leap of faith. I’m so glad I did! (see Heart of Worship I and Heart of Worship II)

This time, I will be playing the keyboard on the platform, singing (except that one song that I just can’t seem to play, sing…and sing the right words all at the same time), and leading. I’m hovering somewhere between absolutely terrified and unusually calm. Maybe that’s a good thing…fear keeps me reliant on God to speak to and through me, while peace means I’m trusting Him (and I am sleeping at night).

Our group, through a series of unfortunate events beyond our control, was forced to shrink only a year ago from 4-5 to a group of 2-3…but we are growing again. We’ve added a cajon player and bass guitarist…we have 2 other skilled guitarists who are also singing. And we have one goal in common: to “come as we are” to worship the Lord.

I’m anticipating another amazing evening…I just hope I lose this cold in time!

p.s. To my cousin who was horrified that I didn’t wear my sassy green boots last time, I promise I’ll wear them Saturday night!

Heart of Worship (Part I)

Tags

adventure, faith, music, prayer, worship

I walked on to the well-lit platform at church on Saturday night. I picked up my microphone just as S. started to play deep, resonant chords on the keyboard. I took a deep breath, and started to sing:

When the music fades, and all is stripped away
And I simply come…

Saturday night was the small evening worship service that had required lots of preparation, prayer and practice! It was the first time I have ever led worship, rather than hiding behind the piano. When S. asked me if I would do it, months ago, I laughed. There was no way – I lacked the skill and the confidence to sing and lead! What was he thinking? S. gave me a book called “The Worship Leader’s Handbook”…and I said I would pray about it (I think that’s kind of a Christian code for “I’ll humour you”…)

Longing just to bring something that’s of worth
That will bless your heart…

A few months of wrestling with God ensued – excuses abounded. All the while, I was dissecting this book, and starting to see little things – like the requirements for a worship leader extending far beyond musical ability. I think I knew I should just say “yes” long before I was willing to admit it. The final “chord” was a line about learning to worship without your instrument before being able to truly worship with it. Was I hiding behind the piano, and my excuses? Of what was I afraid?

I’ll bring you more than a song, for a song in itself
Is not what you have required
You search much deeper within
To the ways things appear
You’re looking into my heart.

So I said “yes”…

I’m coming back to the heart of worship
And it’s all about you, all about you, Jesus,
I’m sorry, Lord, for the thing I made it
When it’s all about You, all about You Jesus…

The Heart of Worship © 1997 Thankyou Music (Admin. by EMI Christian Music Publishing) by Matt Redman