Dear Diary –

Tags

humour, work humour

Dear Diary –

I wet my pants at work today.

I went to drain the last dregs of tea in my travel mug. Somehow the lid magically loosened and instead of slaking my thirst, I ended up wearing my tea. It was lukewarm, and when I stood up, the puddle ran down past my knees!

The pastor was in his office, having just returned from a trip to the loo (I suspect), so I hoped it was safe as I whipped off my top. Thankfully I had a camisole underneath it, which was never meant to be seen. It had ripped lace and spaghetti straps, not exactly professional office wear, so I grabbed a tight, dusty cardigan peeking out from under my desk, and buttoned it up. Now I really looked the part of an aged gatekeeper in the cubicle of purgatory.

The other pastor returned with his lunch, to find me draped over the wall heater. I felt like Miss Piggy splayed over the hood of a muscle car!

He was kind enough to not to comment.   That’s one of the things I like about him.

* * *

 

Dear Diary-

The car was already parked at the front before I arrived. It was such a beautiful day and I was early so I walked about the perimeter of the property…twice…and practiced deep breathing. Once I was sufficiently oxygenated (or just plain nauseous), I entered the building, armed with 2 travels mug of tea (different flavours). I almost made it through the second set of double doors before people started talking to me…

There is not enough caffeine in the world!

.* * *

Dear Diary –

An elderly gentleman came to the door this morning. He wanted to thank me for sharing my “church cheat sheet” (aka list of local churches’ contact info.). He had visited me a few months ago, trying to find a young couple who were getting married. They had been special students of his wife many years back, and he wanted to invite them to his wife’s 80th birthday party.

It turns out he did find them and they accepted the invitation. The party was a success and his wife was overjoyed to connect with them again.

While it may seem small, the ripple effects of small things is extraordinary.
– Matt Bevin

Happy Weekend!

 

A Fit About a Bit

Tags

humour, snow, work humour

Yesterday was my first day back to work after the holidays. It felt like a Monday. First, I woke up to this:

Pretty to look at, but not enjoyable for driving. Armed with 2 travel mugs (one with black tea and one filled with coffee pu’er tea), I dragged my aching body to the car. Hubby commented I looked pale.

I had just left for work, when I scratched my arm and discovered my Fitbit was missing. Did the band break…or did I just forget to put it on after my shower? My brain immediately flashed to an image of my electronic device lying in the snow, or worse, crushed in the driveway…in the snow. So I pulled over at the second gas station and called home on my cell phone. Little Guy and Hubby were there, and they could find it. With any luck, if it was outside, they could find it in time.

The first time I called, someone hung up on me. The second time I called, Little Guy answered the phone. He sounded as sleepy as I felt. I asked him to look for my Fitbit, starting in the bathroom. He was on the cordless phone, so he took me with him as he checked. It wasn’t there. I asked him to check the bedroom and kitchen, and to have Dad call me at work if he found it. I still needed to get to work.

But as I conveyed this final message, intending to hang up and keep going, I scratched my arm (wool mittens are itchy)…and realized, my Fitbit was on my right wrist (not the correct wrist). I had remembered to put it on after all (just not on the wrist I’ve been wearing it on for the last 18 months). Crap! I had no choice but to confess to Little Guy that I had found it…on my other wrist, and he snarked “I’m hanging up on you now”. That sounded about right!

I was alone most of the day, which gave me time to sort out my ransacked desk and re-adjust my chair. Someone had fun in my absence. Hubby and Little Guy were kind enough to pick up lunch…unfortunately my “digestive aid” pills had rolled from my purse at some point, and I couldn’t eat it.

But I made it through the day, and thanks to my fabulous chiropractor, I could breathe again. Just in time to get groceries. In the snow.

I know I’ve said it a few times already but – Happy New Year? Ugh…

And though he tries with all his heart, my horse couldn’t catch a golfing cart
Some days I hate to go to work. – Arrogant Worms, The Mountie Song

Enjoy the weekend!

 

New Story from the Cubicle of Purgatory

Tags

family business, humour, perverts, work humour

Warning: Some readers may find this story both offensive and shocking, but this was just too bizarre not to share!

I am the gatekeeper in the cubicle of purgatory. Working in a church office means I am blessed to encounter a number of unique souls, but generally, I am unable to share their stories. Often, too many of my readers would know exactly who I was talking about. Yesterday was new one.

After my shock Thursday night, and Little Guy throwing up all morning, I finally arrived at work, late and short on time to get ready for Sunday. The phone rang, so naturally I answered it:

Me: “Good afternoon, _________ Church. Jenn speaking.”

Guy: “Uh…hi. I’m…ah, wondering if the priest can bless my penis. I…ah. (mumbles something)…can he do that? Is that something he’s able to do?”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Guy: “I’m wondering if the priest can bless my penis.”

Me: “Um…well first, we don’t have priests.”

Guy: “well the brother, the priest…can he, is he able to do that… [continues stammering]

I let him stammer and listened hard for anyone snickering in the background, because seriously…? After a long pause, I quietly and calmly asked. “are you and your little friend having fun?”

Guy: “What? No, I’m serious. I need the pastor to bless my d&*k. Can he do that?”

Me: Well, the pastor isn’t here right now, but he’ll be back from lunch soon. Can I take your number and ask him to call you?”

Guy: “oh…ah no. I’ll call back later. Thanks.”

I texted Big Guy because, well…seriously? And he texted back. “I’m dying….I’m at a funeral and I shouldn’t be laughing this hard”. Oops!

I’ve had to deal with stupid brides, too much drama, and people who make assumptions about why I didn’t answer the phone, or general assumptions about my job.  I’ve had to deal with perverts on my cell phone and porn pop-ups on my laptop.

I do not get paid enough!

Thank goodness it’s the weekend!

Hey Baby – My Next Career Move: Pt. 2

Tags

humour, work humour

So this morning, on the way to work, I royally ticked off a fellow commuter when I came to a complete stop in front of him…at a red light. He gestured widely with his mouth agape at my audacity. I waved over my shoulder at the red light. He waved at me with one finger. I waved back…with all my fingers. Seriously, it was a bouquet of fingers!

This guy was not the worst guy I encountered this week…

Sunday afternoon my cell phone started making phaser noises like the Federation was under attack, and I jokingly said, “maybe my cell phone # is in another porn ad”.

http://www.giphy.com

Oh Snap!! Sometimes I hate it when I’m right…

I have been extremely popular this week, at all hours of the day and night. And not in a good way.

When this happened last October, the ad offered “massages”. This time, the ad is…less clear. Most texts are just ” Hey baby, are you free?”. Only one really tipped the scale on the Creepometer.

I was laughing about it with Little Guy the other day, and I pointed out that the ad couldn’t be more wrong about me. I’m not young, Japanese or cheap, but at least they got lady part right. He pipes up…”you’re not a lady either”.  Good job, buddy!

http://www.giphy.com

(I wonder who taught him sarcasm?)

I may have joked about wearing “hooker” boots and have been known to make comments that were seriously misinterpreted. This career opportunity may have appeared unexpectedly…again, and I may have more ambition than to be the Gatekeeper in the Cubicle of Purgatory for the rest of my working life. But even so – pass.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action. – Ian Fleming

Happy Weekend!

“Hey Baby” – my next career move…

Tags

humour, work humour

A couple weeks ago, “What is Love?” started blaring from my purse 10 p.m. It’s my cell ringtone and it doesn’t sing often because the only people who call me are Hubby or Big Guy…and both of them know, I don’t answer the phone after 10 p.m.

I didn’t recognize the number, so I ignored it.

A few minutes later, my purse buzzed like a Star Trek phaser. It was a text from the same number, asking what I charged for a massage. I ignored it.

The next afternoon, on the drive home from work, phaser blasts started going off like the Romulans were attacking. So I whipped into my spot at the school and started digging for my phone. I had to dig deep – it was wedged at the bottom next to shredded receipts, one pulverized granola bar and a bobby pin. My phone doesn’t get much use.

There were 5 texts and 1 voicemail message (luckily it was a day I did remember my password) from men. Creepy men.

“How much do you charge per hour?”

“I am male. 24 years old. I work out”

“What is your address?”

The phone message was even creepier. A deep masculine voice with a European accent greeted me with a “Hey Baby. I am looking for a good, deep massage. What you charge per hour? All my muscles are so tight and I need some TLC”. I’ll spare you the inflections and heavy breathing that came with the verbal content. Needless to say, I burst out laughing.

Hi. I’m Jenn. I work in a cubicle of purgatory…in a church office. Smearing oil on hairy, sweaty men is not in my job description (I’m pretty sure, but maybe I’m checking Tuesday morning!)

Once I had wiped the tears running down my face, I texted my girlfriend to tell her about my next career move. I told her what was happening, and added that from now on, my name was jinger (yes, with a “j”), I would be charging $1,000 an hour and I was Worth. Every. Penny. (when I talked to her later, I used my sexy, sassy voice and I thought she was going to wet her pants, she was laughing so hard)! She suggested I text back a fake  address…but I really didn’t want to have any contact with these guys, even electronically.

Someone finally texted that they saw my ad on kijiji.

I looked up the ad…or should I say sleazy ads with my cell number. They featured sexy Asian beauties looking coyly over their shoulders, encouraging guys to “book a massage for their girl”. My mind wandered in a few directions, and none of them G rated. [shudder]

It took awhile to connect with kijiji, but needless to say, the operator was horrified. We were disconnected before she located the ad, but not before I gave her my number. And sure, enough…the calls and texts stopped.

My career had finished before it started…but Hey Baby! It was good for a laugh!

Happy Weekend!

[Insert Rant Here]

Tags

humour, office humour, stupid people, work humour

Fall’s a great time to take a hike. Especially if you’re annoying me. And with any luck (for me that is), you’ll get lost and I’ll never have to be nice to you again. I try to wear my angel wings every day. But sometimes I’d like to take them off and beat somebody  with them.

It’s been a long time since I ranted about stupid people where I work. Actually, that’s not true. It’s been less than 10 minutes. But publicly… I haven’t ranted publicly with other people who don’t have to love me because of marriage/blood ties.

I’ve been good.

I didn’t rant about the 6 phone technicians who visited me at work in September, which were preceded by the 3 service department lackeys who just. don’t. listen! Two of those visits were the result of construction crews down the road severing phone lines. I didn’t rant about them either.

I didn’t fulminate about the security company who summoned the Fire Dept. to come knockin’ on the doors in full gear, sirens wailing. Twice. In the same day. The first time was the because of the severed phone lines. The second time, the company had been notified we were testing the alarms. Three times.

I didn’t bluster about the Mom who emailed me about a kids’ program with questions. Actually, the same questions. That I had answered. Multiple times. Within the same “never-ending-story” of an email.

I didn’t pontificate when someone got herself added to the worship team. At the last minute.

Or spout off about the spelling-police who complained about stuff I didn’t even do. I was enjoying my first stay-cation in 8 months.

Or vociferate about an overly tanned committee member who enjoyed summer away, and came to a meeting filled with contradictory and negative feedback.

 Or the myriad of other unnecessary grievances and disruptions I’ve been privy to this September.

But September is over…and Christmas is still a long way off!

I have to stop asking “How stupid can they be?” Some people are starting to take it as a challenge.

On Wednesday afternoon, I finished the time-consuming, mind-numbing, soul-sucking task of compiling and publishing our annual church directory…4 months late. I started the process in February and it would have been done in June, but there were too many fingers in this pie. The process dragged horrendously.

I was elated to clear space on my desk.

Wednesday afternoon, I opened my front door after school just in time to hear a panicked voice leaving a voice message. This was not a voice I wanted invading the sanctity of my private hovel. The message was something about an email from me, major problems with the directory, have to reprint? Reluctantly I called back.

The email was very detailed, but it wasn’t from me, and the sender had not signed it. I hate puzzles. I suck at riddles. I don’t decipher codes. I’m also not any closer to perfecting the ability to read minds. Thank you for playing.

We chalked it up to clever spam and moved on. I recognized the email address the next day and a flurry of emails went back and forth…

To shorten the tale, the major problems were 1) one innocent oversight; 2) two extra pairs of hands in the pie; 3) three forms of notice to check the listing, which were ignored.; 4) four weeks that it was available for them to review but it wasn’t; and, 5) five months that have passed since I asked people to check their listing, and they didn’t.

* * *

I had scheduled this for posting and then…I got an email at work today from a bride. I may need another set of wings.

Happy Weekend!

The Church Office

Tags

church lady, humour, work humour, working

My official job title is “Office Administrator”. Unofficially, my job title is “Church Lady”. My preferred job title is “Gatekeeper in the Cubicle of Purgatory”, or on certain days (namely Tuesday to Friday), Secretary with a Crossbow!

Previously, I’ve written twice about the Assumptions People Make (here and here), about the types of people I work with and other related “Family Business“, and dealing with Stupid People. But enough shameful past post promotions!

I found a cartoon on Pinterest depicting “The Church Office” and it inspired me to put pencil to paper. Being summer, the office is quieter and cleaner than usual. Remarkably, while I currently don’t have bags of clothing donations piling up and I have only 1 hymn book (not one of every hymnal every published), there’s still more enough clutter!

I’ll deal with it next week – it’s the weekend! Enjoy it!

 

 

Please leave a message…

Tags

humour, work humour

A conversation 2 weeks ago, prompted me to review Item # 9 in my post, 10 Assumptions About Church Ladies, (which coincidentally was posted on April 1, 2016 – But it was no joke!)

It was a normal Friday afternoon, around 1:30 and I was sitting at my cubicle of purgatory in the epicentre of a circus! Only 1 hour until home time. My preparations for Sunday were complete; both bosses were now out of the office. I was puttering away at my filing, sending last minute emails, and compiling a list of things “to do” the following week. The phone rang, so I answered it in my usual sweet & charming “secretary voice”.

“Good afternoon, ____ Church. Jenn speaking”, I chirped.

“Oh, you are in! I called an hour ago but you didn’t answer the phone”, the disapproving voice snarked.

I immediately began to feel guilty. My mind was racing…what was I doing an hour ago? I apologized and offered a couple of possibilities of my whereabouts, and went on to deal with the reason for the call.

It wasn’t until I was driving home later that I started to get angry. The more I thought about it, the more I ranted inside…and it’s time to let it out…

Dear Caller,

Contrary to popular opinion, I do not spend my days filing my nails, flipping through glossy beauty magazines, or eating bon-bons while watching re-runs of SNL online. Nor am I sitting by the phone anxiously awaiting your call!

There are a number of possible reasons why I was not available to take your call at the exact moment you decided to call me:

• I’m on the other line (sometimes with stupid people).
• I’m answering the front door (I have not yet mastered the ability to be in 2 places at once. When I do, you will be the first I call)!
• I’m in the midst of a conversation with my boss, a ministry leader, a congregation member…or a complete stranger. People wander in and out of my office regularly without an appointment.
• I’m in a meeting. Sometimes those meetings are scheduled ahead of time; sometimes, they are not.
• I’m in the bathroom. I cannot “hold it” for 5.5 hours – sorry!
• I’m grabbing my lunch from the fridge (so I don’t become a Food Werewolf).
• And sometimes, in all honesty, I don’t want to talk to you.

As it turned out, you didn’t want to speak to me anyway. You wanted to speak to one of the pastors, and had you chosen his extension, you could have spoken directly to him the first time you called, instead of including me in your twisted “love triangle”.

I am a hard-working and conscientious employee with a lot to accomplish in my short work week, so if you need to speak with me and I’m not “available”, try calling again. Or even better, leave me a message!

On a side note, very rarely am I not in. I have suffered with dysentery, crawled through countless winter storms, and crossed a police line so I could be “in”. But not just so I can answer your call!

Thank you for calling. Have a nice weekend. Bye-bye!

Canadian Sno-Cone

Tags

humour, winter, work humour

Why? Because it’s winter in Canada and we’re dreaming of summer…

Special thanks to my Big Guy who works outdoors year-round in ALL kinds of weather, for sharing his photo. Just another day at the office!

Happy weekend!

Breaking News – Winter 2016

Tags

humour, snow, winter, work humour

Office Administrator Nearly Perishes on Daily Mail Run

The Weather Network has predicted a classic Canadian winter weather this year, a sharp contrast to the exceptionally mild winter season last year. So it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when an arctic vortex swept through yesterday morning. The day started with a mild -12 (-18C with wind chill), but by mid-morning, a heavy band of snow squalls whipped through the region. In addition to the new snowfall, winds were flying across the open fields surrounding the building at over 55 km/hr. This created a spectacular and blinding display of white from every window, and covered the parking lot laneways with deep snowdrifts. These photos were taken in the minutes leading up to one simple office administrator’s daring, near-death escapade in the frozen north.

Normally, Jenn hops out of the car at the red mailbox to collect the previous day’s mail and deposit the outgoing mail, first thing in the morning. But she had already braved the elements the previous day to collect the mail for the bookkeeper, who works every other Wednesday. The bookkeeper had been unable to attend on her regularly-scheduled day so the pile of bills was extensive. Wanting to drop the signed cheques in the mailbox before the mailman arrived, Jenn ventured out in the cold.

First Jenn had to use her full body weight to push the front doors of the building closed before turning her body against the wind so it could blow her to her car. Slick conditions on the pavement made it easy to skate her way there. “I held on to the car door but the force of the wind still nearly ripped my arms off at the shoulder,” said Jenn. Closing the car door presented an even greater challenge. “I literally grabbed the door handle with both hands and threw myself across the front seat to close it”.

The red community mailbox is located on the east side of the building, but was no longer visible from inside Jenn’s car. “It’s a 30 second walk to the mailbox but I decided to drive. I’m glad I did!” Jenn’s car slid down the driveway but got bogged down in the drifting snow. ” I was worried that if I got stuck, I would never make it back to the church on foot. No one knew I had gone out there so no would be looking for me”.

Fortunately, Jenn was able to stop next to the mailbox, and the building provided enough shelter that she was able to get to the mailbox and drop her envelopes in the slot. “I didn’t take the time to see if any mail had arrived,” she said with a laugh. Jenn safely made it around the church to the front doors, but nearly got stuck again on the last corner. An hour later, her boss  did get stuck in the same snowdrift, but with the help of a local police officer who just happened to be on site, was able to dig his way out.

“After that harrowing experience, I was worried about getting home. I didn’t go back to the mailbox for any incoming mail – it’s not like it’s going anywhere.”

Environment Canada is predicting another  15-20cm over night Friday, changing to freezing rain Saturday afternoon. Happy Weekend!