Forget the Hunger Games, I am fighting the Squirrel Games. Like spiders, they are everywhere..hiding just out of reach, waiting to steal and destroy. We have black ones, gray ones, and red ones, and they invaded my territory! It’s psychological warfare.
They dig up my flowerpots. They leave nuts and half-eaten apples on my fence.
Last year, someone (Squirrel!) ate my chocolate cupcakes, which I foolishly set outside for a few minutes to cool. I was baking for a bake sale and I ran out of room in my tiny ugly retro kitchen and dining room. I never saw the actual culprit, but his razor-sharp claws and fangs made fast work of those cupcakes and he left a little path of crumbs petering out down the steps.
I have been routinely, rudely awakened by squirrels digging at my window. Seriously, the only nut around that window is the squirrel. I started cranking the window open (I’m pretty cranky at 6 in the morning) – the window was half open when it noticed…and jumped straight up in the air and off the ledge. Fear not!  The shocked sciurine miraculously grabbed the edge with its back toes as it skydived headfirst toward the ground. The next morning, all I had to do was tap the window and say “boo” – it fled in abject terror!
Last Fall, someone (Squirrel!) ate my chair cushion and stole my panties! I think they were sending me a message, or was it retribution because I didn’t succomb to your “cutsey” posturing on my back porch railing and lay out a sweeter spread.
Those cotton knickers were brand new, and I continue to have disturbing dreams of drunken squirrels doing people impressions.
They are getting bolder, They’ve taken to spying on us through the windows.
I see them watching me from the treetops. They scream death threats too, every time I leave the house. There are news stories about kamakaze squirrel attacks.  I’m worried that one day, they will discover how to infiltrate my house and I will find one in my toilet. You laugh, but there are videos of it happening, on Youtube! I don’t know what I’m going to do! If it’s on the internet, it must be true.
So – if I suddenly disappear from this a-to-z challenge, you know where to point the authorities – to this blog post and the mug shots contained within it. Start with the Red Squirrel – I think he’s their lead…ack….
