Dear Quarantine Diary – Week #20

Tags

bees, biking, covid-19 diary, covid-19 humour, dear diary, fire trucks, garden, humour, neighbours

Dear Diary – Call me Gladys Kravitz. Just like the nosey neighbour in Bewitched, I keep an eye on my neighbours. I see your deliveries. I see your unauthorized gatherings. This week, I called Fire Prevention Services, twice. (They also hung up on me, twice). You can’t burn leaves (or even have a campfire) within town limits without a permit. I have overlooked little campfires, but when the plume of thick, black smoke rises 20ft in the air, covering the neighbourhood like a blanket, and it looks like your whole house is on fire, I’m callin’ it! The fire department has to catch you in the act and when I squealed called about the second neighbour, they sent a truck. Love those red trucks! So, yeah. I’m that neighbour…

Pinterest

Dear Diary – I have continued with physio torture therapy on a weekly basis. I had no idea that an elastic band could become a feared instrument of torture, or that my posture would threaten the friendly relationship I’m trying to maintain with my torturer therapist. Yesterday she gave me a deep massage by grinding my spine with her elbow! I feel like I’ve been in a car wreck. But on the plus side, I probably won’t have to shave my head because I can put my hair in a ponytail again. I’m still working on putting on my bra like a normal person. Little Guy, who has always been extremely flexible and boasts several double joints, continues to taunt me whenever he sees me doing my exercises. He can pop things that I didn’t know could pop. His body sounds like a haunted house, with creaky doors, squeaky floors and weird thumps in the night. It’s scary!

Dear Diary – While churches remain limited to 10 people on a Sunday morning, our church has elected to livestream services rather than use recordings. While I’m sorry the scheduled musician wasn’t feeling well, I was excited to be asked to join in. On Sunday morning, I put on a dress and high heels, fixed my hair and put on make-up. It felt SO good. I haven’t attended a church service since March 2020! We spread out on the platform and only removed our masks to sing. Which was a challenge for me. I had 2 in-ear monitors and a mic that hooks over one ear, all of which had to be attached under the elastics of my facemask. And every time I removed the facemask, inevitably something would fall off. I never did get the in-ear monitors to stay for the last song. Still, it was wonderful to sing and play in a group again, and most of all, to lift my voice to the Lord (and not worry about who I was irritating in the house).

Dear Diary – I ordered stuff for Hubby for Father’s Day, and after it arrived I realized I probably could have shopped for me too. Missed opportunity!

Dear Diary – Facebook shared another memory this week from Hubby. He wrote: “Here’s a picture of Jenn going up hill. She said that it was so easy for her. Hmmmm!”

It was the one time he took me mountain biking. Downhill wasn’t a problem, but that bridge nearly killed me. Don’t worry – I found the shoe I lost, and a tree broke my fall. Good times!

I haven’t been on my bike since.

Dear Diary – I was really excited to share one of my latest songs with my Intro to Comedy Writing class Tuesday night. I even worked up the nerve to sing it. It didn’t get rave reviews. Maybe I need to ham it up more? Or maybe you have to be a gamer to get it?

I’m A Gamer

verse 1
I can’t shoot stupid people, but in a virtual world
I can get lots of satisfaction
I get to be the hero, I am never a zero
I’m a gamer and I rule that world

chorus:
I’m a gamer, I’m a gamer
I’m a gamer, and I rule that world

verse2

In the real world I am no one, but in a virtual world
I’m a fighter with lots of passion
I am strong and fierce and sexy, don’t ever mess with me
I’m a gamer and I rule that world

bridge:
I can be a spartan like masterchief
A battle angel bringing both mercy and grief
Laura Croft, or a grand car thief
A master builder, an Olympic athlete

verse 3
My children ignore me but in a virtual world
They have reason to fear me plenty
They no longer think I’m lame
I wish the real world was the same
I’m a gamer and I rule that world

Final Chorus:

I’m a gamer, I’m a gamer,
I’m a gamer and I rule that world
I’m the Queen in that world
I wish it was the real world

Dear Diary – Our house is being patrolled. On Monday, I noticed a large bumblebee hovering over our back porch stairs. I wondered if it was admiring our lilac tree, which is in full bloom, just as much as I was. Or maybe, he was meeting someone he met online. Or he was blind and he could smell the lilacs but a misguided sense of direction kept him from them. Whatever the reason, I watched him for a while and discovered there was a flight pattern, and he was chasing anything with wings.

I don’t have wings, but I didn’t know if he’d chase me. I wanted to plant the herb seeds I ordered. Maybe he’d go away after awhile?

This may be the closest I get to an herb garden.

Hours later, he was still flying his beat. I tried simulating rain with the hose, but he’d just fly out of range of the water and hover, confused. I went on with planting, careful to avoid him as much as possible. He only bounced off my forehead once.

I looked it up. Our bumblebee is a carpenter bee and he’s guarding a nest. Carpenter bees burrow into wood and lay eggs. The female will feed the babies while the males patrol. Though aggressive, he has no stinger, but he can still “bee” annoying for most of the summer!

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you.

The Police, Every Breath You Take

Dear Quarantine Diary – #2

Tags

covid-19 humour, dear diary, humour, neighbours

Dear Diary – Somebody posed the question “what are you doing during this confinement to better yourself?” and my answer was a guilty, “nothing”. So I tried to self-improve on the weekend by learning to pipe icing flowers on cupcakes. Note to self: add piping petals to my list things not to do. My pretty petals were appalling; my patience, particularly poor. The first 2 dozen or so mostly resembled pasty piles of poo. White poo. I tried to freeze 12 of my poopy peonies, but they wouldn’t freeze. I ended up transferring them to cupcakes, one petal at a time. Self-improvement made me want to cry and throw things. I think I’ll stick to napping.

Dear Diary, the neighbour decided to rearrange the vehicles in his driveway at 7:30 yesterday morning. It took him over an hour, and required him to rev and baby his engine as he jostled his large trailer up and down the driveway 500 times to get it in the “perfect” spot. I measured the time by the btzz-brtzz on my Fitbit. It btzzes every hour if I don’t reach 250 steps. I’m telling it off much more frequently these days.

I contemplated committing battery today. The neighbour started his giant white pickup at 6:30! The sound of the motor grumbling to life less than 20′ from my bed, woke me from a deep sleep. While I struggled to free myself from the twisted blankets, he proceeded to slam his door 3 times. I had to remind myself that if he just left it running for a few hours, which has happened before, I could sleep through the roar. It has the steady drone of a WWII bomber. BUT…if he started revving the engine, like he has done on multiple occasions before, he was in for a berating from a blue-haired, bare-legged little woman! Thank goodness I shaved! He must have heard my thoughts because he left 20 minutes later. He didn’t leave quickly…oh no! But he left.

The men and the digger arrived around 8:30…

Dear Diary – We went for another walk today. We had to bundle up again – winter coat, wool mitts…even a stupid toque with a giant fur pom-pom. I look stupid in hats. The neighbour’s stupid dog missed us on our first pass, so made up for it on our way home. I could still hear him even though I couldn’t see him.

I’m saying stupid a lot. If it keeps snowing every day, I will say it more.

I identify with the neighbour’s cows (and I’m not just talking about my middle). Even though they are normally content to wander their barnyard aimlessly, as are we, they are starting to get that same slightly crazed look in their eyes. Desperate to see something beside their own humans and their feedbags, they stare at us on our daily walk like we were trolls. I’m so desperate for a new change of scenery that I considered lining up the deck chairs to watch the guys dig a hole around the neighbours’ foundation. That made me feel like a troll. Actually I was more interested in watching them drink their morning coffee. It was from Tim’s. It’s been 34 days since I have had Tim’s. 34 days!!

Dear Diary, Ah yes! In stereotypical small town vogue, the workmen wear plaid, drive big pickup trucks and listen to country music. [shudder]. I can hear it through the walls…

I covet their Tim’s.

I was the first one up today. It was 9:30! Hubby called. He was too perky, and he hadn’t even had coffee yet. I miss him but I also got my wish: I get to sleep in and slip from the sumptuous bonds of bedding when I’m ready.

After I talked to Hubby, the car alarm on my neighbour’s van went off. After more than 3 minutes of honking, I got up to investigate. The workers were busy in their hole, trying to ignore it. It was then that I noticed a big, burly, bald-headed man in a red tee shirt with a matching red face. If he was a cartoon, there’d be steam shooting from his ears. He was marching across the neighbour’s lawn. I guess someone else was woken from a deep sleep. The van, sensing death nearing, quit squawking and the man marched home without making merry with someone’s face. I can’t lie. I was a little disappointed.

Compliments of Pinterest.com

 

Wilderness Wednesday: Neighbourhood

Tags

animals, barns, classic cars, cows, dogs, nature, neighbours, photography

Just walking in the neighbourhood… I gotta work off the Easter cupcakes somehow! 😉

 

 

I dressed and went for a walk – determined not to return until I took in what Nature had to offer.  Raymond Carver

Happy Wednesday!