Audition for a Wife

Tags

hubby, humour, marriage, wife

Standing in line at the grocery store, I snickered when I read the headline “Tom Cruise Auditioning for New Wife”. Judging by the source of the headline, it was snicker-worthy. I suspect there isn’t much truth to anything in that rag apart from a few words like “is” and “the” so I didn’t take it seriously.  But seriously? What an idea for a blog post!

Initially I thought about what I would look for in a new husband, but I already have one of those. A few years ago, a friend of ours lost his dear wife to cancer and it started the wheels turning faster in our own cob-webbed brains. One night Hubby asked me out of the blue, would I re-marry. I blurted “NOPE!” (rather too hastily and loudly). Seeing the hurt in his eyes, I quickly explained that our early years as a blended family, even just as a couple, were too painful to repeat. I was so thankful God helped us through it. I was happy now. Why would I want to fight over the empty toilet paper roll with anyone else?

 Flickr.com

NB: Empty toilet paper rolls are one of the Top 50 Things Couples Fight About.

It was recently reported that women in long-term relationships continue to shoulder much more responsibility than men when it comes to household chores like buying groceries, cooking meals, household cleaning, and planning social activities…

• Buying groceries: (65% of men, 90% of women)
• Cooking/preparing meals: (48% of men, 85% of women)
• Household cleaning (48% of men, 88% of women)
• Planning social activities (26% of men, 57% of women)

…as well as caregiving for loved ones, including kids and aging relatives (55% women to 39% men) [B.Stalsburg, PhD, Whitman Insight Strategies]

I can’t say I’m surprised!

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First, in the audition, she would have to WOW me with her cleaning skills, cooking skills, financial skills, childcare skills, driving skills and home reno skills. She would have to be charming, patient, creative, and a noble wife of character (Prov. 31:10-31). A pretty face and a sweet disposition wouldn’t hurt…and a good sense of humour.

Just for fun,  I gave myself 10 minutes to fire out any question that came to mind, no matter how practical or random:

• Are you willing to buy chips every week and tuck them away in a safe place until Friday night, even though they aren’t good for me?
• Can you stick to a budget? Are you willing to browse flyers and “price-match” to stay within budget but also willing to scrimp in one place in order to buy a “treat” for the family?
• What brand names do you consider “essential”? [Let’s be honest – No Name cheese is an abomination and No Name cereal tastes like soggy cardboard. Yuck!]
• What is the ratio of your listening skills vs. your communication skills? [If the conversation is always one-sided, I’m not interested.]
• Do you handle creepy-crawlies, tiny critters, and mosquitoes in the middle of the night?
• Coke or Pepsi? [The correct answer is Coke]
• Do you “breathe” at night? Snore? Roll around? [It’s not a deal-breaker. It just means we have to live as a “sleep divorced” couple.]
• Do you notice the little things [like dust on the bathroom tiles, the rice krispie trail across the living floor, or the full laundry basket waiting (and blocking) the bottom of the stairs]?
• Will you fold my underwear?
• How are your driving skills [like when it’s sleeting and you’re late for school or in a life-threatening situation, like the school parking lot]?
• Do you change bed sheets, kitchen linens, and toilet paper rolls?
• Snacks – salty or sweet? Favourite dessert?
• What are  your hobbies,  your decorating style, your favourite colours, your favourite t.v. shows, your favourite author, and your favourite doughnut flavour?
• Star Wars or Star Trek? [The answer is Both] Original show/movies, or later shows/movies? [The answer is Original for both]
• What will you do for me when I’m sick? [Buy me gingerale]
• When you throw dirty clothes in the basket, do you turn them right-side out first?
• Are you organized enough to handle all the gift-giving, card-writing (& mailing), appointment making (& keeping), record-keeping, and re-stocking of food & clothing items needed by the family – extended and immediate – and to do it on a budget?
• Can you bathe and style a guinea pig?
• Can you handle patronizing car mechanics at the shop, dumb retail salespeople, and prissy Passport office employees? [If so, tell me how…please!!!]
• How much do you love chocolate and tea?

Phew…10 Minutes goes by pretty fast and I’ve barely scratched the surface! It’s important to find a good wife because “A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm” (Prov. 27:15).

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Inquiring Minds Want to Know – what would you be looking for,
if you were to audition for a wife?

 

Happy Weekend!

 

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Everything I do…

Tags

bathrooms, humour, marriage

Hubby and I have been married for over 20 years, which means that some rituals have become routine, and there’s no point in changing it now. Don’t fix what isn’t broken, right?

One such ritual is at bedtime.

If I’m the first one in the bathroom, I fix the toothbrushes while Hubby uses the “facilities”. But if I go to use the “facilities” first, Hubby goes in his room and gets changed for bed. In other words, regardless of who gets there first, I fix the toothbrushes. The only exception is the odd time that I head to bed much later than Hubby – in which case he fixes my toothbrush and leaves it on the side of the sink for me.

The other night, I got there first, so I fixed the toothbrushes. After Hubby had pulled himself together and as he reached for his toothbrush, Hubby farted. It was a rump trumpet!

[I know this because I gave Little Guy the card game, Silent Bt Deadly, and I play it with him, including the graphic sound effects…becasue I’m “that kind of Mom”. ]

So I stopped brushing and flashed Hubby my usual disgusted look. I mean, seriously? He grinned back sheepishly. “What’s really funny”, he added, “is the song that’s playing in my head right now?”

I waited…(Everything I Do) I Do It for You by Bryan Adams.

I thanked him for planting that song in my head right before bed, and then I thanked him for emitting his gaseous fumes in a thick, cloying green fog right beside the “facilities”, at my eye level…before I got to use the “facilities”.

“You’re welcome. Hold your breath.”  And then he started humming…

You know it’s true
Everything I do,
I do it for you

Weekly Photo Challenge: Trio

Tags

black and white photography, black&white Photography, love, marriage, Photo Challenge, photography, wedding photography, Weekly Photo Challenge

This week’s challenge was to take a photo of a “trio”. I chose to play around with 3 different arrangements using my wedding ring and my grandmother’s wedding rings. My grandfather died when I was only 3 – my earliest memory is his wake at the farm house. My grandmother was only 62. She never remarried and she wore her wedding ring for the rest of her life. It’s been almost a year since she passed away and I miss her.

“Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.” – Sam Levenson

To see more Trio photos, click here. 

A Silly Marital Confession…

Tags

family, friends, humour, laugh, marriage, movies

Little Guy came bounding into my room yesterday morning, dove under the covers and enthusiastically greeted me with “Happy Valentine’s Day” and a wet kiss. While the majority of the world seems to have turned sour on this sweet holiday, our children are still celebrating friendship and love.

Hubby and I celebrated too in our usual low-key way (aka food and a movie). We try to talk about it ahead of time so no one ends up disappointed and circling the drain of “(s)he doesn’t love me”…which never ends well! So I ordered pizza because what doesn’t say “I love you” more than cheese? Hubby brought home some chocolate-covered almonds…and I gave him a DVD of movie that stars his girlfriend and my boyfriend. Now before you jump to conclusions – let me explain…

A few years ago, I read a humorous article about a couple who reconnected by teasing each other about their alleged movie star boyfriends/girlfriends. I shared the article with Hubby and it led to a riotous night of sharing who we found attractive and the reasons “why”. Now we do it too…

Just like Facebook, there are unspoken rules. We respect each other and we respect our relationship. Remarks are to be made in jest, not used as a weapon, and if the remarks are upsetting, we need to stop! We never make negative comparisons (if we make any at all). And I don’t know if Hubby ever secretly fantasizes about any of them, and I don’t want to know. That’s his personal business – I know he loves me!

So because I respect Hubby’s need for privacy, I’m not going to share his list, although I must admit that I approve of most of his choices. If I wasn’t straight, they’d be on my list too! Let me introduce you to the first 5 “boyfriends” that come to mind in the next 5 minutes…in no particular order:

Jason Statham
He may be a bit on the short side (5′ 9¼”) but he makes up for it with his steely gaze and lean body. Plus he can easily defend me if I’m ever attacked by ninjas or drive me home in a hurry if I need to get a bathroom. Some of these things are important to a girl! Think Transporter or the Italian Job…

John Cusack
He may not be an outstanding “action figure” type, but his slightly neurotic, unconventional and often sensitive characters appeal to me. I don’t mind the intellectual verbal diarrhea (or the fact that he’s 6′ 3″). Think Grosse Point Blank, Must Love Dogs or America’s Sweethearts.

Colin Firth
Who doesn’t love a tall (6″ 1½”) man with a British accent who plays traditional, honourable, emotionally-distant characters? Underneath, he’s a sensitive, passionate guy who fumbles trying to declare his feeling, and is strangely charming when he finally “spits it out”. Think Pride & Prejudice, Bridget Jones’ Diary or Love Actually.

Viggo Mortenson
Another brave, strong, and silent type who fights for the “little guys” and isn’t afraid to stand up to evil against all odds, with a sword. That scruffy beard and messy hair are strangely hot! Think Lord of the Rings Trilogy (actually there were a lot of strong, handsome men in those movies…)

Bruce Willis
He’s charming, witty, and doesn’t take crap from anybody. He knows how to use his head for 2 things: to think through sticky situations, and to beat somebody up without causing serious brain damage. When he flashes that impish grin, my heart melts a little. Think Die Hard, Red, or The Whole Nine Yards

That was less than 5 minutes and I didn’t even touch on Sean Connery, Keanu Reeves, Ralph Fiennes, Matt Damon, Matthew McConaughey… I should stop now, I’m embarrassing myself…

So who would be your movie star “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”?

64 Years

Tags

adventure, faith, family, home, love, marriage, sweetheart

Yesterday would have been my grandparents’ 64th wedding anniversary. I can’t imagine being married to the same person for 64 years!!! Seriously, think about it: 64 years of sharing a tiny bathroom with one sink, 64 years of fighting over life’s little irritations, 64 years of washing his “tighty-whiteys”…and I could go on and on and on….

My Grandpa met the love of his life in the new school teacher across the road, and was soon stopping in at the one-room schoolhouse on the way to take the cows out to pasture and sending love notes to the school with his little sister. His little sister was so embarrassed. She’d quickly put the note on the teacher’s desk and run away, but peeked through the window to make sure the teacher had found it.

Grandpa had a farming accident on the day he planned to propose and he lost the sight in one eye. He asked his little sister if his sweetheart would want to marry him with only one eye? It was always a solid “yes”!

They were married at home on a hot July day. Grandpa worked in the fields, bringing in hay in the morning, before he had to travel in the car to pick up some relatives. At Grandma’s place, there was a flurry of activity. The sandwiches had been made the night before and stored in the basement to keep them cool; the butter and milk spent the night in the well. Grandma wore a pretty wedding dress and a very long veil, and she carried a dozen “American Beauty” red roses. Grandpa wore a dark suit and Grandma can remember him sweating heavily under the photographer’s bright lights. He looked so handsome with his very full head of hair!

A couple years ago, my Grandma was singing in the church choir. I happened to glance over at Grandpa, and there he was, with a silly “love-struck” grin on his face and pride in his eyes – that was his sweetheart singing, and he didn’t have eyes for any other girl! It was a moment that brought tears to my eyes and I had to look away – it was an intimate for him.

Every year, he’d attend a local country fair, and every year he wanted to put his name in for the Longest Married Couple, but both he and Grandma had to be present, and she didn’t feel like sitting on a wooden bench in the heat to get a piece of paper and a ribbon. Last year, we talked her into staying, but he was too shy to put his name in, so I used my “million dollar” personality, and I did. They won, by a year. Grandpa was SO proud! In fact, the fair certificate and ribbon were in his hospital room.

I can’t imagine being married to the same person for 64 years, but I can’t imagine being married to someone else either! Grandma and Grandpa were sweethearts for life, and it wasn’t always an easy or enchanted life, but it was an adventure, and is certainly a commitment worth celebrating.

Morning Break Jokes

Tags

aging, humour, jokes, laugh, marriage, retirement, seniors

“Time flies when you’re having fun” and it’s true! Morning Break, the women’s outreach ministry at my church, is coming to an end until September. Yes, this is the Committee which I mysteriously became Chair in over 9 months ago, and yes, I am still terribly confused as to how that happened.

One of my responsibilities, perhaps arguably the most important one, is choosing the morning joke. So for today, I’m going to share 4 of the jokes that I’ve shared with the ladies, because let’s face it – we can always use a laugh!

1) An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends’ home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husbands were in the living room, the host leaned over to her friend to say, ‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names’. The elderly lady hung her head. ‘I have to tell you the truth,’ she said, ‘His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old goat what his name is’.

2) Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me … I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is…’ Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?

3) Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ ‘No,’ the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday..’ And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a root beer.’

4) After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K. She asked….. “What does that mean?” He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot. She smiled happily and said, “Oh, that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?” He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”