Friday Funnies

Tags

humour, jokes, midlife crisis, over-the-hill

I wrote two brilliant blog posts this week…but don’t bother looking for them. You won’t find them posted. When I wrote them, I was in bed and couldn’t get to sleep so I was writing them in my head. I was too warm and cozy to roll over, turn on the light, and pull out a notepad. I know…excuses, excuses… I was also going to start the 365 Photography Project with my new camera…I didn’t…I have no excuses…

Since it’s Friday though, I thought a few good “over the hill” jokes might get me off the hook. Too bad I didn’t write them…When you’re done reading them, feel free to explore my other posts this week or browse through my other categories (I’m thinking of adding one…Fessing Up)…

Perks Of Being Over The Hill

·         There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.

·         Things that you buy now won’t wear out.

·         Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

·         You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.

·         Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.

·         You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.

·         Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them anyway.

·         You can sing along with elevator music.

·         Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.

·         Your eyes won’t get too much worse.

·         Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

·         People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you???? ”

·         You can get into a heated argument about pension plans.

·         You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.

·         In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first.

·         You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.

·         No one expects you to run — anywhere.

Did any relate to you? Welcome to the Club!   Happy Weekend!

The ABCs of Aging

Tags

aging, humour, jokes, midlife crisis

I didn’t write this, but I still love it. I pull it out from time to time when I need a chuckle. Hope you chuckle too!

A is for arthritis,

B is the bad back,

C is the chest pain, perhaps cardiac?

 

D is for dentures,

E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

 

H is high blood pressure – I’d rather it low;

I is for incisions with scars you can show…

J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

 

 L is for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!

 

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

 

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tinnitus – there’s a bell in my ears!

U is for urinary… big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy,” you know.

 

W is for worry – what’s going ’round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found;

Y is another year I’m left here behind,

Z is for zest that I still have – in my mind.

 

I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed

And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

Midlife Crisis Jokes for Women

Tags

humour, jokes, laugh, midlife crisis

Too good not to share…(even though I didn’t write them – I shared these at our Morning Break finale). I’m still recovering from the karate birthday party (with 9 hyper little boys) Sunday afternoon, and  I needed a laugh too. Happy Tuesday!

Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts – we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and you can see your rear end without turning around.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot) but you don’t bounce back. It’s more like splat!

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “listen, honey, even the roman Empire fell, and those things will too!”

Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves, and that now you are sitting on your biggest ones.

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks”?

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.

The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are soaking in it!

Morning Break Jokes

Tags

aging, humour, jokes, laugh, marriage, retirement, seniors

“Time flies when you’re having fun” and it’s true! Morning Break, the women’s outreach ministry at my church, is coming to an end until September. Yes, this is the Committee which I mysteriously became Chair in over 9 months ago, and yes, I am still terribly confused as to how that happened.

One of my responsibilities, perhaps arguably the most important one, is choosing the morning joke. So for today, I’m going to share 4 of the jokes that I’ve shared with the ladies, because let’s face it – we can always use a laugh!

1) An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends’ home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husbands were in the living room, the host leaned over to her friend to say, ‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names’. The elderly lady hung her head. ‘I have to tell you the truth,’ she said, ‘His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old goat what his name is’.

2) Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me … I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is…’ Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?

3) Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ ‘No,’ the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday..’ And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a root beer.’

4) After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K. She asked….. “What does that mean?” He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot. She smiled happily and said, “Oh, that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?” He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”