Jeans, Glorious Jeans

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fashion, humour, jeans

I object! In fact, I strongly object!

I have not struggled all these years with Booty Blues, trying to find the perfect pair of jeans (I’m still looking, by the way), only to be told that I have less than a decade to find them!

As if it wasn’t bad enough to learn the horrible truth about heels and flip-flops, according to the most recent British survey of 2.000 people, people “should retire their jeans at age 53”!

Even the director of the surveying company was shocked by the results! Yes, jean shopping is stressful. We’ve all been there. One in ten consumers will try on up to 6 pairs at a time (which is smart because no 2 pairs of jeans are alike), while 6% of consumers will end their shopping trip in tears (I only cry when I shop for bathing suits and bras).

It gets worse!

Another British survey early in the year concluded that 47 was the actual age to stop wearing jeans and shears long locks! In fact, the earlier study concluded that women over 38 shouldn’t get tattoos (oops – I was 40!), women over 34 should stop taking selfies (oops – did that last week), women over 44 should’t go clubbing or attend music festivals. Finally, women over 40 should stop trying to learn how to use new technology! Twitter shouldn’t be used over the age of 47 and Facebook accounts should be deleted by age 49 (did you know in 2014, 56 percent of online adults over 65 had Facebook accounts?).

Which begs the question – who are these people? Because I want to ask them these questions again when they turn 40!

“You can be the chicest thing world in a t-shirt and jeans – it’s up to you!”
– Karl Lagerfeld

***

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/most-annoying-study-reveals-age-when-women-are-too-old-for-jeans_us_581a31fae4b0c43e6c1d98dd

http://www.today.com/video/the-age-at-which-you-re-too-old-to-wear-jeans-is-799048771812

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-age-when-women-are-too-old-for-long-hair-and-skinny-jeans_us_5787a4b0e4b0867123dfdd87

 

Yes!

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fashion, humour, jeans, shopping

Yes! Yes! Yes! I wanted to scream it out while experiencing a deliciously intense and delirious moment of ecstasy! Not only were my curves being hugged, but the button was done up…and I was comfortable!

I had a decision to make; one that I knew would inevitably end in tears. I seriously did not expect this decision to end in tears of joy. The dilemma: Time is running out before the end of school, so do I go shopping for jeans or bras?  I’ve lost enough weight (of course I’m bragging! I worked hard for it…well…sort of…) that my jeans and skirts do not fit! In December, I researched how to find the right style of jeans for my shape, but only found it more discouraging! In October, I wrote about the world’s heaviest jeans, but I’m no masochist (and they’re unjustifiably expensive). So I have put it off and worn jeans that ” bag and sag, and drag me down behind”. But I’m also 4 months overdue for my annual humiliation bra fitting…

Jeans it is! This time my straining efforts paid off, but not before trying on 4 different pairs of jeans (and 2 dresses that really looked better on the hangar). I was ready to walk out and cheat with Henry (O Henry), when I dared myself to try just One. More. Pair. in a size I am pretty sure I haven’t worn since the late 1980’s. I know what you are thinking…I was thinking it too…the emotional and physical strain has become too much for me. I am aiming for “a bridge too far”. This last pair could be like that bomb in the Dam Busters, hitting the mark with such force that I will explode in a torrent of uncontrollable hysteria, forcing the staff at Old Navy to call in the Funny Farm.

To make a long story short, check out the tag.

I’m either dreaming, drugged against my will or I need new glasses…does that say “2”?

Check it out again. I promise: the label on the jeans matches this tag, and the sticker tag that ran down the leg. I wore them yesterday, and I wanted to leave on the sticker tag that ran down the leg so that passers-by would notice and point it out to me. Then I could play dumb and remove it with a flourish like Vanna White!

Believe me! I am not wasting away – there’s still plenty of me left. But I’m suddenly finding myself with a renewed sense of urgency to avoid O Henry’s temptations so I can take these jeans new places! I’ll even write the date on this tag and laminate it for posterity, and put it in a place of honour…probably the fridge with the Grade 1 artwork and Hubby’s fridge magnet collection…and for the next few washes I will (internally) scream out: “Yes! Yes! Yes!” (I’m not ready for the Funny Farm just yet)!

p.s. I was tempted to post a picture of me in my new jeans, but it’s really hard to take a flattering picture of yourself! Happy Weekend!

Happy Weekend!

Booty Blues

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fashion, humour, jeans, shopping

I have a new problem…my jeans seem to be getting bigger, especially around the waist and…ah…rear! It has even happened to my newest pair of coloured jeans. I find that even though the number on the scales hasn’t changed much, I am constantly hiking and adjusting my jeans. It’s a good problem to have, but it’s still a problem.

So I went shopping at a discount brand store while Little Guy was in karate. I don’t need jeans that bag and sag…and drag me down behind! 11 pairs – I tried on 11 pairs of jeans…from boot cut to skinny jeans…and I couldn’t find a single pair that fit well enough…behind, that I couldn’t grab less than an inch of fabric in each hand.

Shopping can be an expensive exercise in self-loathing, so I tried to find some information to equip me for the next trip, but I found conflicting reports. For example, for Flat Tush Troubles, add curves with jeans with flap pockets, heavy embellishment or embroidery. Even better, aim for jeans with slightly higher back pockets. But, for Petite Women (I’m 5′ 1½”), no pockets, or pockets without embellishment or embroidery are best! There was advice for top heavy women, bootylicious women, curvy women, tall women…you get the picture? I started out with one problem, only to discover that there was conflicting advice for managing each additional…um…problem area.

Then there was advice based, not on height or problem areas, but on shape – apples, pears, and hourglasses (apparently there’s no fruit equivalent for hour glass?), and for me, the recommendation was boot-cut…which is fine except that I read somewhere else that short people shouldn’t wear boot-cut jeans. Can you sense my frustration?

More research for baggy bum issues led me into the startling (and slightly disturbing) world of Booty boosters, butt boosters, padded panties, push-up butt bras, and derriere bands. I’m not going to elaborate at this time because I’m still digesting the rather graphic images, but to say that these devices look like torture would be an understatement. I remember my grandmother (who is now 97) talking about hating to put on her corset when she went “visiting” and as far as she was concerned, one of the best things that came out of women’s lib was getting rid of girdles. If she only knew…

References: http://www.oprah.com/style/Best-Jeans-for-Every-Body
http://www.ehow.com/about_5268425_jeans-supposed-fit.html

Fashion Hurts

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fashion, humour, jeans

Have you ever tried squeezing into a pair of jeans, one size smaller, by lying on the floor and contorting your body in a series of mind-blowing yoga moves? Me neither! Especially these days…my ego can’t take the disappointment! And I’m worried about breaking a hip. As horrible as that sounds, the world’s heaviest jeans sound like an instrument of torture or a cruel injury to health, much like corsets, girdles, and stays. Their creator, Brandon Svare describes them – “It’s like wearing three pairs of jeans at once…They’re 32 oz., indigo, rope-dyed, Japanese selvedge denim…Guaranteed uncomfortable or your money back”.

You can try to purchase these jeans from Naked & Famous, for only $495 (should I point out that my wedding dress only cost $500, which seemed extravagant at the time?). The company has also produced glow-in-the-dark jeans ($200), raspberry scratch-and-sniff jeans ($150) or jeans made from a blend of cashmere and silk. The world’s heaviest jeans are so tough that they can stand up on their own. This gimmick may sound outrageous to “normal” people, but jean geeks are buying them up! Apparently, for those customers who brave the “breaking in” period, a thick, white underlying material will eventually reveal itself as the jeans fade, as a result of the rope-dyeing process. The denim is twisted into rope before being coloured, and in time it will “fade in the knees, lap crease and ankle bunches to reveal a beautiful honeycomb interior”.

While I can appreciate a great fitting pair of jeans (which are extraordinarily hard to find – I do not have Pippa Middleton’s butt), I cannot imagine purposely spending $500 on an item of clothing made with material as thick as a carpet or military tent, and that causes me (more) physical pain. Now Naked & Famous plans to treat jeans with a “thermochromic wash that will change colour depending on body temperature”. Mood jeans? Are we going to witness a bunch of middle-aged women’s hot flashes? I think I’ll stick to what I’ve got…and maybe work on my yoga moves!

References: “When it comes to fashion, denim hurts” by Martin Patriquinn, Maclean’s Magazine, April 23, 2012, http://www2.macleans.ca/2012/04/17/canadian-made-worlds-heaviest-jeans/