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Today is…

10 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Faith

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Tags

children, faith, infertility, mourning


Today is International Bagpipe Day. It’s also the “Festival of Life in the Cracks Day” (take a moment to let that imagery set in) and the International Day of Awesomeness (I just hope these 2 aren’t related). Today is also my own personal day to celebrate Purim.

No, I’m not Jewish. Yes, I am aware that Purim, a 2 day celebrations to remember God’s deliverance from Haman’s edict to “kill, destroy and annihilate” the Jews (also thanks to Queen Esther), is later in March. Purim was a “spontaneous celebration of joy of finding oneself still standing on the day after an irrevocable death decree was executed” (Beth Moore). It is deliberate remembrance of all God had done to turn their mourning into joy. When I finished my study on the book of Esther last December, the author suggested that we set a date for our own deliverance. I didn’t become a Christian on March 10, but God did set me free from a different kind of stronghold and He turned my mourning into joy.

I wrote about Waiting for Little Guy once before and I hope to someday write about it more eloquently and include my journal notes. I re-read them from time to time and I marvel at the depths of grief,  and the tenacity to hope that I did not believe I possessed at the time. I’m not writing about it here (you can read it by clicking here). But I did want to acknowledge today.

“God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to His eyes”. – Psalm 18:24, The Message

Today is my day to remember and to rejoice. God is Awesomeness – even though He let someone invent bagpipes!

(actually I like bagpipes, so please let that last sentence slide…)

Waiting for Little Guy

26 Tuesday Nov 2013

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Faith, Family

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

babies, blessing, faith, family, infertility, midlife crisis


Little Guy’s name means “Gift from God”. Today our gift turns 8! I’ve shared once before about waiting for Little Guy because it’s an intensely personal story and I am an ineloquent writer…but let me try again.

In 2003, my husband and I decided to have a baby. We had been married 7 years and there were many times over those 7 years that I wondered if we would ever both be at that place. Before trying to conceive, I asked God “to close my womb” if it was not the right thing for us, or not the right time for us. I wanted God’s will to be done in my life. I don’t know what prompted me to pray this way…but God answered, and as the months passed into years, the disappointment, the obsession, the sense of failure, and all my questions grew. I struggled with shame, guilt and an overwhelming sense of “failure”. It seemed there were pregnant women everywhere I went. I dreamed about babies. I remember having a dream so vivid, that when I woke up I could still feel a baby in my arms. Other areas in my life started to fall apart as well. I felt like I was in a dark hole with no escape. I was drowning and there didn’t seem to be anyone close by, not even God. I cried, I begged, and I raged. I tried to ignore God; sometimes I simply sat with Him because I had no more words. There were days when it hurt just to breathe. I still wanted His will and I acknowledged that even in my current anguish, He could be sparing me more suffering if He answered my prayer and it was not His best for me.

In 1 Timothy 1:19 Paul wrote to Timothy “I give you this instruction…so that by following them you may fight the good fight, holding on to faith and a good conscience. Some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith.” I knew had to choose – keep swimming by looking to God and living faithfully, or let my faith be shipwrecked. If I let my faith be shipwrecked, where else would I go?

Eventually we were referred to a fertility specialist who ran some tests. Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive within 12 months. It is estimated that 1 in 6 couples will experience infertility. I already knew there was no physical reason we couldn’t have a baby. We elected to try the least invasive treatment, but if it didn’t help in 3 months, it wasn’t going to work. During that second month, I re-read the story of Hannah. Tthat Friday morning, I prayed and I sobbed (as I had done before more times that I can count), but when I finished, I felt for the first time in a long time that I could take a deep breath. God was rescuing me from the pit – I wasn’t going to drown. I felt hope, peace, and joy. God had another plan for me, a better plan for me. I could truly say that I had surrendered to Him. I thought I had surrendered before, but this was different. I was free.

The next day, I told Hubby that I was willing to stop trying for a baby if nothing happened after this treatment. And I asked him to be patient with me because I would need time to grieve the loss of this dream. 5 days after that conversation, I found out I was pregnant. God blessed me in 2 ways. Yes, he gave me Little Guy. But more importantly He gave me Himself. Yes, my circumstances changed, but more importantly God changed me in a profound way.

But God has shown me that the dream to be fruitful can represent a deeper desire to to invest ourselves in something that matters. God does not allow surrendered hearts to continue to long for things He will not ultimately grant in one way or another. Until we have surrendered our hopes and dreams, we have little way of knowing what would fulfill us.

I had a hard time getting pregnant after Little Guy, and when I did, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated by that loss and the loss of that dream. I’m middle-aged – I won’t be bearing any more children. But I am trusting God to fill that desire for more “family”. Isaiah 54: 1-4 says “Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby. Fill the air with song, you who’ve never experienced childbirth! You’re ending up with far more children than all those childbearing women.” God says so! Clear lots of ground for your tents! Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big! Use plenty of rope, drive the tent pegs deep. You’re going to need lots of elbow room for your growing family”. (The Message*) There are still opportunities in my family, my church, and my community to bear “spiritual offspring”. I love that God thinks outside the box!

Happy Birthday Little Guy. You are such a blessing! You give me so much to celebrate every day!

*Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group

Me? The Next Best Thing?

15 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Faith, Foolishness

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

blogs, faith, family, infertility, writing


Modesty: The quality or state of being unassuming or moderate in the estimation of one’s abilities; the quality of being relatively moderate, limited, or small in amount, rate, or level.

I have always been taught to be modest – in the way I dress, in the way I act, in the way I respond, particularly to compliments. Doesn’t it say in Romans 12:3, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment”?

So imagine my absolute shock and delight (I’ll admit), as well as my fear of being immodest, when I read that Mommyverbs had tagged me (along with more worthy bloggers) as “The Next Best Thing”. That title causes me to ponder – what is the best thing? Am I even better than sliced bread (gluten-free, of course)? Do I get a tiara and a sash? Have I ceased to be modest? Quite likely!

So, what is The Next Big Thing? It involves bloggers who either have a book under their belt, who are in the process of writing one, or who should be writing one. I fall into the last category…sort of…I would like to be a published writer. I have one binder filled with research, a folder somewhere in my closet with poems, short stories, etc. and a few children’s stories illustrated and cirlox-bound by me. These days, my blogging goal has been mostly to encourage people to laugh along with me (or at me – I’m not picky) – we can all relate to stepping in dog poo and getting frustrated with stupid drivers, but who really wants to know why I won’t wear socks the next time I go shopping for jeans? I’m not sure I could translate my craziness into a whole book. It would be fun to be the next Barbara Johnson! But even if it never transpires, I can hold on to this honourable compliment, which feels exceedingly good! So thank you – Mommyverbs – for making my heart sing!

Apparently, the rules are simple: answer a few questions regarding your completed work, work in progress, or best idea – and then tag five other bloggers whom you feel are on the book writing path. With that in mind, it was difficult to choose just one idea…and since I promised only last week to be as open and honest as possible, I am going to take a chance, assume someone is still reading, and share this personal (and quite possibly ridiculous) idea!

What is the title of your book? Not sure – maybe Waiting for [my son’s name]

Where did the idea come from for your book? My own personal journey through infertility, loss, and moving beyond the dream of having more kids.

What genre does your book fall under? Self-help? (I seriously need help so I’m not sure I should be helping others…)

Which actors would you choose to play in your movie rendition? Not really movie material.

What is a one-sentence synopsis of your book? God is Sovereign, and He never gives us a dream that He is not prepared to fill, sometimes in unexpected ways.

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency? Well…I have no idea. I would love for it to be represented by an agency, but who knows if I will even get that far…

How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript? Well…that’s a good question. I have only shared an overview of my story in a few blog posts (like Waiting for Little Guy) as well as once as part of a devotional talk.

What other books would you compare this story to? What if Your Blessings Come Through Raindrops by Laura Story.

Who or what inspired you to write the book?  Infertility (and miscarriage) are  not talked about often (unless you’re a celebrity without a “baby bump”). If you search for “infertility books”, you will find a vast assortment of informational books. Personally, someone who is hurting and feeling alone can absorb only so much sterile information. I wondered if there were others who were as heartbroken as me.

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?  Hope. God provides. Maybe not in the way or in the timing that we expect or desire, but He does provide joy and freedom from fear and shame, and He gives us hope for the future.

And now I’m supposed to tag other folks as… “The Next Big Thing!” – which was no easy task so if your name isn’t here – it doesn’t mean that I don’t think you’re awesome or that you have it in you! (in other words…please don’t hate me…I’m hormonal. I might cry…)

http://quickwittier.wordpress.com

http://briannawithanaw.wordpress.com

http://pregoandtheloon.wordpress.com

http://adoptingjames.wordpress.com

http://jumpforjoyphotoproject.wordpress.com

Losing Hope

04 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Faith, Family

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

adventure, babies, Bible, death, faith, family, hope, infertility, loss, miscarriage, poem, shoes


I can’t believe it’s been 4 years…4 years ago today, it was grey and drizzling, but I didn’t mind. My precious boys were eating breakfast together, and I couldn’t stop smiling. I was pregnant again…at last! But my joy was short-lived. 4 years ago today I spent 8 hours alone waiting in the E.R. for confirmation of what I already knew – I was having a miscarriage. There was no drama, like on TV, but a long, slow process, one that meant I continued to hope, even as a longed for an end so I could grieve. I wasn’t just losing a baby, I was also losing a dream.

Romans 5:2-5 says: “…And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us”. During the weeks that I waited, the line “and hope does not disappoint us” kept running through my mind. It was God’s message to me – not the part about character or perseverance (at least not this time), but the part about hope. It’s been so hard to surrender my hope for another baby, and the life that I had long imagined. I have grieved for my baby, Hope, and my lost dreams; I think a little part of me always will. But I believe God does not allow surrendered hearts to continue to long for things He will not ultimately grant in one way or another. I lost Hope, but I haven’t lost hope…I am choosing to believe that God has a different adventure for me, a better one than even the perfect adventure I imagined.

I found this poem, rather accidentally and wanted to share it in case there was someone else who needed it more. My experience, sadly, is not unique. I cannot say I wouldn’t change the outcome if I could (at least not whole-heartedly just yet), but my heart and my feet are beginning to hurt less, and I am ready and excited for my different adventure.

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author unknown

Waiting for Little Guy – Part II

22 Thursday Mar 2012

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Faith

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

babies, Bible, blessing, disappointment, failure, faith, family, fertility, fruitful, hope, infertility


My favourite Bible teacher, Beth Moore, believes that God gave women 4 girlish dreams: 1) to be a bride; 2) to be beautiful; 3) to be fruitful; and, 4) to live happily ever after. I also believe that God does not give us dreams that He is unprepared to fulfill or replace with a grander dream of His own. He doesn’t always fulfil our dreams as we expect or ask. Today I’m going to focus on #3, to be fruitful – for now, let’s view “fruitful” as having children. But what if, for some reason, you couldn’t have a baby, you’re infertile?

Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive within 12 months. It is estimated that 1 in 6 couples will experience infertility. Some people say that in our culture, children are no longer a prerequisite to a full life, there aren’t the same expectations or pressure to have offspring. But when your biological clock is ticking…and it’s LOUD… and you want a baby SO badly that it’s all you can think, all you can see around you, all you could dream about at night, all rationalization goes out the window! The heart takes over. It’s not something we talk about openly. Deep down, an infertile woman struggles with shame, guilt and an overwhelming sense of “failure”. Satan can sow shame in virtually any soil; infertility is fertile soil.

In 2003, my husband and I decided to have a baby. We had been married 7 years and there were many times over those 7 years that I wondered if we would ever both be at that place. Before trying to conceive, I asked God “to close my womb” if it was not the right thing for us, or not the right time for us. I wanted God’s will to be done in my life. I don’t know what prompted me to pray this way…but God answered, and as the months passed, the disappointment, the obsession, the sense of failure, and all the questions grew. It seemed there were pregnant women every where I looked. I dreamed about babies. I remember having a dream so vivid, that when I woke up I could still feel a baby in my arms. And it seemed at that time that other areas in my life started to fall apart as well. To put it bluntly, I felt like I was in a dark hole with no escape, I was drowning and there didn’t seem to be anyone close by, not even God. I begged, I raged, I bargained, I tried to ignore God; sometimes I simply sat with Him because I had no more words. I still wanted His will, I knew that even in my current anguish (for lack of a better word), He could be sparing more suffering if He answered my prayer, but it was not His best for me.

In 1 Timothy 1:19 Paul wrote to Timothy “I give you this instruction…so that by following them you may fight the good fight, holding on to faith and a good conscience. Some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith.” I had a choice – keep swimming by looking to God and living faithfully, or let my faith be shipwrecked. If I let my faith be shipwrecked, where else would I go?

Eventually we were referred to a fertility specialist who ran some tests. I already knew there was no physical reason we couldn’t have a baby. We elected to try the least invasive treatment, but if it didn’t help in 3 months, it wasn’t going to work. During that second month, I re-read Hannah. And that Friday morning, I prayed and I sobbed (as I had done before more times that I can count), but when I finished, I felt for the first time in a long time, that I could breathe. God was rescuing me – I wasn’t going to drown, I had hope and peace, and joy. God had another plan for me, a better plan for me. I could truly say that I had surrendered to Him. I thought I had surrendered before, but this was different. I was free.

The next day, I told my husband that I was willing to stop trying for a baby if nothing happened after this treatment. And I asked him to be patient with me, because I would need time to grieve the loss of this dream. 5 days after that conversation, I found out I was pregnant. God blessed me in 2 ways. Yes, he gave me Little Guy. But more importantly He gave me Himself. Yes, my circumstances changed, but more importantly God changed me in a profound way.

When I thought about being fruitful, babies used to be what came to mind. But God has shown me that that dream can represent a deeper desire to live fruitful lives, to invest ourselves in something that matters. God does not allow surrendered hearts to continue to long for things He will not ultimately grant in one way or another. Hearts surrendered to God can be trusted. Until we have surrendered our hopes and dreams, we have little way of knowing what would fulfill us. Most of us bank on circumstantial contentment, but we end up bankrupt. If-onlys (like the what-ifs) cling to us and drag us down…if only I was married, if only I had children, if only I had a bigger house, better car, perfect body…Unhappy women are not made happy by these things. An unhappy woman usually needs a change of heart than a change of circumstances.

I had a hard time getting pregnant after Little Guy, and when I did, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated by that loss and the loss of that dream. There are many women who I know that have never had biological children but God has blessed them with many children through Sunday school or children and youth programs. But you know what, all women become barren as we age, but it doesn’t have to mean that we’re done being fruitful! There are still opportunities to bear spiritual offspring. Moms and children in our families, in our church and in our community, who are desperately in need of someone to love them, to encourage them, and to point them to Jesus. Isn’t that what Moms and Grandmas do? We just sponsored another child through World Vision, and I cried. It sounds ridiculous, but in a way, the kids we sponsor are my kids. I pray for them, I encourage them and I point them to Jesus, and in turn, they are fulfilling a need in me. And now I’m asking God to show me others who I can be a “ Spiritual Mom” to – I can still have a fruitful life! God thinks outside the box!

Hannah surrendered her heart to God. Her circumstances may not have changed, but she did. God remembered her faithfulness and blessed her. God calls us to be faithful regardless of our circumstances, to be surrendered to whatever He chooses for us and where ever He calls us. When we are, He will change us. He will bless us with His presence. He will bless us in ways we cannot imagine. God created every life to be fruitful and to grow in grace!

References: “12 Extraordinary Women” by John MacArthur and “Breaking Free” by Beth Moore

Waiting for Little Guy – Part I

21 Wednesday Mar 2012

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Faith

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Tags

babies, Bible, faith, family, hope, infertility


Earlier this week, I said I might share a bit about waiting for Little Guy, with the proviso that I might chicken out. No, I haven’t gotten over the “chickening out” part, but it’s been on my mind. I truly believe that if we are real with each other, we can support and encourage each other, even if we aren’t going through the same things. So I’ve reviewed a devotional talk I gave a year ago – and broke it down into 2 parts. The first part talks about Hannah, and if you don’t know the story, you will see how it relates to me, and how it means to me now. Tomorrow I will tell you my story – I promise! It’s not that I have an incredible story or that I’m an extraordinary person – in fact, I’m quite the opposite – but I do serve an extraordinary God and I like to share His stories. Who wouldn’t like to be the heroine in an adventure, and frankly, if you look at it the right way, every day is an adventure.

Hannah struggled with an issue that is sadly not all that uncommon – infertility. In fact, there are a few women in the Bible who struggled with that issue. Each one handled her situation with a deep and abiding love for God, and with a constant, steadfast faith…with grace.

Let me start at the beginning in 1 Samuel. Elkanah had 2 wives – Hannah and Penninah. Penninah had children, but Hannah had none, and it’s likely that Elkanah married Penninah as a result of Hannah’s barrenness. It was vitally important in the Hebrew culture to have children to maintain the family inheritance and the family name. Hannah was in constant disgrace and anguish because of her infertility. To make it worse, Penninah cruelly taunted Hannah, constantly reminding her that God had not granted her children. The burden and stress made life almost unbearable.

Once a year Elkanah journeyed with his family, to Shiloh to serve in the tabernacle (which was part of his tribal lineage). They were a devout family. On the day that came for Elkanah to make an offering to God (a sacrifice in which the offerer roasted the sacrificial animal and ate a feast in God’s honour), Elkanah gave a portion to his family, but to Hannah, he always gave a double portion. This was a public honour that he regularly and deliberately bestowed on her in the presence of others at the feast. Elkanah loved her deeply even though “God had closed her womb”. His actions magnified Penninah’s jealousy and she would torment Hannah until Hannah wept bitterly and could not eat. Hannah longed to be a mother. For her, motherhood was the highest calling God could bestow on any woman.

Hannah was a devout woman with a deep and abiding love for God. Despite her agony, she never complained or grumbled against God or her husband for her childlessness. She understood that “children are an inheritance from the Lord” so she went to the temple and “In bitterness of soul (three words that speak volumes) Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord saying, “O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will remember him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head”. Then she continued to pray in her heart. Her desire for a child was not a mere craving for self-gratification but about self-sacrifice, to give herself to a little one so that she could give him back to God. Hannah remained faithful to God, a constant, steadfast faith, despite the disappointment and heartache.

She remained before God in a persistent and passionate prayer, so much so, that her intensity made her stand out in the temple. It was customary to pray aloud, but Hannah seemed to understand that God sees right into our hearts. The New Testament teaches that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when our prayers are mere groanings. Eli the priest noticed Hannah but didn’t recognize that she was praying and he scolded her for being drunk. Hannah answered with grace and humility, horrified by his suggestion. She explained that she had merely been pouring out her heart in sorrow, but did not explain the sorrow. Eli blessed Hannah and asked God to grant her petition. Hannah left the temple, no longer downcast. She had cast her whole burden on God and was confident that He would answer her in accord to what was best for her. She had no assurance that she would ever have a child, but chose instead to rest in a humble faith that acknowledged God’s sovereignty in her life.

It says in verse 19 “Elkanah lay with Hannah, his wife, and the Lord remembered her”. I used to wonder what that meant – if God knows everything and is always with us, how could He forget Hannah? To remember in the Bible is not merely to recall to mind; it is to express concern for someone, to act with loving care for him/her. When God remembers His people, He does so with favour. He remembers our faithfulness, for we are never forgotten. Hannah gave birth to Samuel, a towering figure in Israel’s history. He was a priest, one of the last judges, and the one who anointed David as King, and we know that Jesus lineage is traced back to King David. When God answered Hannah’s petition, her thankful soul responded with a pure, unbroken stream of praise.

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