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Tag Archives: driving

Home for a Rest

06 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Foolishness

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

driving, holiday, humour


“You’ll have to excuse me, I’m not at my best
I’ve been gone for a week…I need home for a rest”

Spirit Of The West,  Home For A Rest

Well, here we are again…another new year. We ate too much and stayed up too late trying to pack in as much time together. Why waste time sleeping? But between the packing and eating, the road trips and sleepless nights, the Christmas celebrations and the funeral activities, I’m back in the city – home for a rest!

Big Guy, Little Guy and I headed back to the city Sunday morning, but we didn’t have an auspicious start. It snowed on Saturday and froze overnight. After we slid our way to the cars and chiselled our way into them, we found out Big Guy’s car didn’t start. To make matters worse, my Mom’s car was blocking mine and she couldn’t get it out of the driveway. We chopped, dug, shovelled and pushed with no luck! It was only after my Dad got home, that we were set free!

I loaded the car in the rain, my boots soaked after tromping through puddles as the ice melted. I borrowed a pair of Big Guy’s socks…they kept sliding down…even sitting still in the car.

I noticed it right away…the road sign that was lit up to tell me “fog possible”, amazing considering I was driving through “pea soup” fog. The fog cleared just in time for a strong wind to batter the cars. I was entertained by the guy in front of me, who couldn’t drive his car between the lines before the winds picked up. By the time we hit the city limits, the sun was shining and the roads were bare.

Nearly everything is put away now. We have food in the house again and clean clothes to wear. And I’m sticking to my New Year’s resolution – to not make New Year’s resolutions. Time for a rest…or to get ready for work…

Broken Road

14 Friday Nov 2014

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Foolishness

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

driving, humour, signs


Be kind to this road…Broken Road Sign

her boyfriend dumped her for a freshly-paved, voluptuous cul-de-sac! Happy Weekend!

Get Out of the Line

04 Monday Aug 2014

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Foolishness

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

driving, humour, John Pinette, road rage


I will never trust a man to give me directions ever again…even when he uses a map book…particularly if I am related to him…by marriage or blood. This past Friday I made another road trip in long-weekend traffic with Little Guy, heading to my folks. Because I got “lost” last time when I went a little “off-road”, I received some advice on how to go cross-country to the highway. I followed the advice perfectly until I got to the highway…only to discover that a) there’s no on-ramp at that location; b) I was back on Victoria Street (where I ended up recently; c) no one was moving east on Victoria Street due to construction…I had to do drive west to make a U-turn, and wasted precious time in traffic…

Once we hit the highway, we were moving…slowly but steadily forward. And that was fine with me, since it gave me more time to observe the interesting characters on the road.

There was the Red Sentra who kept changing lanes in front of me. I empathized with his intense need to go faster, but I failed to understand his theory…since both lanes were moving at the same pace…so all he was doing was weaving back and forth across the yellow dotted line. Maybe he just needed some entertainment. I couldn’t wait to get past him – I was starting to get dizzy! On the plus side, his turn signals did work!

I could understand his frustration… the passing lane was being held up by Champagne Corolla. Let’s review the rules of the road. When there are 3 lanes of traffic on a highway, the farthest right-hand lane is the driving lane. There are even large signs on the right-hand sign of the road (for those who get left and right mixed up – no comments from the peanut gallery please) to remind you that “Slow Traffic Keeps Right”. The middle lane is meant for passing a slower-moving vehicle in the driving lane. The far left-hand lane is then meant for cars wanting to pass slower cars in the middle lane.  We were all trapped by Champagne Corolla’s refusal to “get out of the line”…We drove for miles upon miles behind the Champagne Corolla…Soccer Mom Van tailgated him; several vehicles screamed by him in the middle lane and cut him off…but still, he wasn’t budging. Even after Pompous Pick-up roared past the line and cut it so close in front of Champagne Corolla that 10 of us nearly met our Maker. I became John Pinette, screaming in a deeply strained voice:

The gas station was not much better…there was a line up there too. To the driver of the Blue Matrix…when there’s a line up of cars waiting to get gas, it is NOT the best time to use the squeegee to wash…your whole car…

Or how about the guy who parked near the curb at Tim Horton’s…he had at least another car length to go before his bumper would hit the curb. He reminded me of some of the drivers I’ve seen on Canada Worst Driver…It took him a long time to back out, creating yet another line just to get into the parking lot…

There were Bumper Bullies, Selfish Speeders, Wacky Weavers…and old-fashioned Morons!! We eventually arrived (safely) at my folks and I simmered down with a hot cup of tea before we went out for supper. When we arrived at the restaurant, there was a line…can you see where this is going?

***

To hear John Pinette’s own frustrations with lines, click here.

Patterned Pavement

30 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Foolishness

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

driving, humour


There’s a stretch of highway on the way to my parents’ house that startles many drivers. For it’s simply another obscure landmark that lets me know I am nearly “home”. It’s a stretch of patterned white and yellow (and occasionally neon green) stripes – horizontal, vertical, thick, thin, close together, far apart. Most of them are faded or worn away…

On Friday’s trip in holiday traffic, after travelling a bit cross-country with no clear idea where I was exactly (what roadtrip would be complete without a little adventure), and no longer having arrogant “Mr. Toy Pick-up Truck” to irritate entertain me, I started to ask some questions:

Who exactly is responsible for these testing strips, and for what purpose are they being tested? It is a secret government organization or a very bored group of extraterrestrial scientists? Are they really testing paint for visibility and durability, or is this an emergency landing strip for intergalactic travellers?

When are the stripes painted and by whom? Is the highway closed when the paint is applied – day or night? Or does some poor college student have to dodge cars and semis armed only with a can of spray paint…for minimum wage?

In most of my Grade 7-9 science experiments, we were required to control as many variables as possible to ensure accurate and measurable results. But with these experimental test strips, there seem to be numerous uncontrolled variables. With no one present, how do you measure:

               * the number of vehicles driving over the strips;

                * the make and model of these vehicles;

                * the weight and length of these vehicles;

                * the car to truck ratio;

                * the natural elements: wind, rain, sleet, sunshine, moose urine, or road kill decomposition, just to name a few…

Were the paint colours chosen by a moron in a cubicle or by a designer? Do they have yummy names just like the paint chips at the hardware store – Whisper White vs. White Cheddar Popcorn White, Buttercup Beauty vs. Hawaii Hive-Oh! Yellow…

Was a designer, an artist…or a psychologist consulted to create an aesthetically pleasing pattern that wouldn’t induce uncontrollable binges on bananas? Or are they random patterns simply spread out to distract drivers? Why stripes? Why not dolphins or Looney Tune characters?

Or what if the test paint strip area isn’t about paint at all, but to simply see how long it took before some idiot blogged about them…oh wait…

Test completed!

Weekly Photo Challenge: On the Move

14 Wednesday May 2014

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Photography

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

driving, photography, travel, Weekly Photo Challenge


For this week’s photo challenge, share your interpretation of “on the move.” This is how much I love Big Guy – I was dressed and “on the move” in a car by 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning, so he could drive me to his apartment, where I would spend the entire day cleaning, washing, scrubbing, sorting, organizing, unpacking, and basically restoring order to the universe.

Train
Transport
Mountain biker pulling mountain bike
train on a bridge
Small Airplane

To see more “On the Move” pictures, click here.

Woo hoo! Spring Break…?

12 Wednesday Mar 2014

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Foolishness

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

driving, humour, snow, winter


If I seem grumpy, it’s because I am grumpy! I just got home from work. It’s Spring Break…Spring break…and it’s snowing again…10-15 cm to be exact. I probably wouldn’t have minded so much if we hadn’t started to enjoy some “Springy-er” days…

On Monday, I wore sneakers out and travelled on dry pavement. On Tuesday, when I dragged my tired body out of bed (while Hubby and Little Guy snuggled further under the blankets), the temperature was already over 0 degrees! I saw Canadian geese grazing in a field; I heard water dripping and birds chirping outside my window at work. I even took my coat off and drove with the windows down after I groceries.

And then it was Wednesday. I made it to the gas station, where the snow clung to my car faster than I could wipe it off. And I made it to work. The book keeper made it to work…but no one else did!

Facing winter was like a giant slap in face…literally snow slapped my face and body in gusts as I scraped the ice off my car (I tried to brush the snow off too but, like dust, it swirled and landed right back where it had been resting). I watched all day as the wind whipped the snow into a frenzy and the gas station on the corner disappeared from view. At home time, I managed to plough through the large drift in the driveway and head into a winter wonderland. The snow covered roads and drifting snow didn’t really bother me, but I admit it was a bit unnerving when everything completely disappeared into a wall of white.

I grew up in this stuff. I learned to drive in this stuff. Not so for most of the drivers in this city. They haven’t learned to adjust their speed based on the amount of snow on the road, or intuitively know how much pressure to apply on the pedals. They haven’t learned that driving 20 km/hr down the middle of the road is a great way to piss off the 2 lanes of cars behind them. Or that drifting into another lane without signalling is not the smartest move. My personal favourite was the guy driving in my blind spot while I had 6’ snowbanks on my other side and the snow on the top was blowing off, horizontally, like a ghostly phantom bent on my demise. He drove there for a long time… (I won’t mention that my lane was also mostly obliterated at the time by a deep snowy snare and I really wanted to avoid it). After I had barrelled through the drift, he careened around me, cutting me off with a wag of his tail and sped off. And what kind of car was he driving? Yup! A black BMW.

I should be used to it by now, having enjoyed such similar stormy days over the past 5 months…but it’s Spring Break. Spring…as in…Spring!

Tomorrow the temperature is diving into the negative high teens…with the wind chill making it feel more like -30C. And like the postman, “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds”. I’ll be at work. I’ll probably be grumpy (just a warning). Hopefully I’ll be dressed (just another warning). Woo hoo! Spring Break…

Worst Drivers

15 Tuesday Oct 2013

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Foolishness

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

driving, humour


So now it’s official – something my confirmation bias explained a long time ago…drivers of expensive cars are more likely to be jerks!

Two studies – one in the U.S. and one in the U.K.  – seem to provide statistics that support the perception that drivers of high end cars, BMWs in particular, are more aggressive road-ragers than the rest of the population. In an older study, The New York Times noted that University of California researchers found BMW drivers were far less likely to stop for a pedestrian entering  a crosswalk. But cars in the “beater” category, always stopped for pedestrians and never drove through crosswalks. BMW (and high-end car) drivers are also most likely to “cheat” at four-way stop intersections.

In the recent U.K. study, 2,937 drivers were asked to identify the make and color of cars that they have most frequently experienced road-rage incidents, such as shouting and swearing, aggressive driving, and/or hand gestures. Blue was the top colour, followed by black, silver, green and red. Also based on the answers of these motorists, men between 35 and 50 driving in blue BMWs were more likely to be offenders. Drivers also reported encounters with Land Rovers, Audis, Subarus and Vauxhalls.

Male drivers admit losing their temper on average 7 times a month. Women, on the other hand, only admit to raging on average 3 times a month.  Shouting and swearing are the top performances.

The study also found that Monday mornings and Friday evenings were the most stressful times to be on the road, with the peak time for road-raging around 5:45 on Friday afternoons.  I can’t imagine why!

The Challenge:

Had I been asked these questions, I would have said black or silver cars driven by men, age 25-60, and I would have pegged BMW or Mercedes drivers at the top. I doubt if where or what time of day I am driving would affect my answers. Normally, I don’t drive on the highway, and I prefer to use back streets and less busy intersections to boot around town.

I decided to conduct my own survey (before the long weekend) just to see, throughout my day-to-day actions, for a one week period, just what kind of road-raging lunatics cross my path.

The first thing I learned was the need to define “road rage” because there are a lot of really bad and/or super aggressive drivers in this city. For example, if someone cut me off or they did a rolling stop (i.e., they slowed down at the stop sign but didn’t actually come to a complete stop), I (justifiably) called them an idiot but I couldn’t call them a road-rager. If, however, I saw arms waving, mouth flapping, or fingers gesturing, possibly followed by more aggressive driving, then I could safely classify them as road-ragers.

It didn’t take long to accumulate a list of “offenders”, and the list grew every time I went anywhere in the car. If I were to include the complete list, this post would be about 5 millions words long. So I randomly picked a couple examples:

#5 On the trip home from the church one weekday afternoon, a green Dodge Caravan driven by a 30ish (perky blonde) female, changed lanes in front of me, without signalling and cutting me off. She then slammed on her brakes and her hands flew off the steering wheel in an exasperated gesture at the driver in front of her because that driver deigned to stop at the very red light. Once we got going again, she proceeded to weave in and out of traffic, without signalling. Her hands involuntarily flew into the air at several stop lights and she never really got ahead in traffic.

#10 At a 4-way intersection, a black BMW with a 20ish male driver rolled through the stop sign to push ahead of me, even though I had come to a complete stop before proceeding with my turn. When I honked at him, he waved at me…with one finger…

#25 A 50ish male driver in a silver Elantra screamed through his very, very red light with his hand up in a traffic cop’s “stop” gesture at the oncoming traffic. Oncoming traffic was either too shocked or too polite to honk at him. If I had been part of that oncoming traffic, I would have hammered my horn long and hard (probably with my arms waving and screaming something complimentary that involved the words “moron” and “idiot”)!

#32 I met a crazy woman (with Jacki-O sunglasses) in a navy BMW convertible (top up) in front of the school. She was driving east and I was driving west. She tried to turn into my front bumper lane because she wanted to parallel park in the space on the other side of me. She started screaming so loud and gesturing so violently the small child in the back seat looked positively terrified. I did report her to the police when I got home.

There was the middle-aged balding man in a silver Mercedes who took exception to the speed I was driving (I guess 10 km over the speed limit wasn’t good enough). The 25 year old man in a black BMW who tailgated and drove down the middle of a two lane highway hoping to make someone drive faster so he could too….and so many more.

Honourable Mention: Road-ragers in parking lots deserve their own blog post, but here’s a sample: The parking lot at the school, in particular, is prime territory for road-raging lunatics. It isn’t unusual to hear horns honking or to see self-absorbed people blocking the driveway (with 8 cars lined up on the street), parked in the middle of the road, or parking in the no parking zone or laneway, despite the multiple empty and legal parking spaces right there. Rainy days after school are the worst. I’ve been blocked in and have seen so many snarls where literally no one can move… So notably, one warm night after school after most of the parents had gone home, despite the empty parking spaces, a woman parked her gold minivan in the laneway, facing oncoming traffic. Another woman in a silver Honda, accidentally backed into her (I don’t understand how she could have missed her – there were no vehicles parked near her and no one else moving in the parking lot). Both women were gesturing at each other and screaming in their own languages. I was quite thankful that my child couldn’t hear what I can only assume was exceptionally foul language.

In conclusion, I met a lot of scary road ragers in the city. Some of them drove expensive cars and there seemed to be more men than women. Age didn’t matter either. And finally, it might just be safer to take the bus!

References:

BMW Drivers Really are Jerks – Studies Find

BMW Drivers Worst Road Ragers – Study

Blue BMW Drivers Worst Road Ragers

Dashboard Batman

13 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Foolishness

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

driving, humour


What would possess a grown, seemingly-normal looking man, to glue a pint-sized Batman figurine to his car’s dashboard? Seriously, this is not a trick question. It’s a question that managed to steal 10 minutes of my time yesterday on what should have been a relaxing drive in the country (except for that brief moment when perky blonde’s Mom attempted to make my car door her new hood ornament).

It really was a small and unassuming Batman…perched right there in the centre of the dashboard of the car beside me, at a red light. The driver was an ordinary looking guy: white, glasses, short hair, green t-shirt. He was staring straight ahead, one arm leaning on the open window. Even his car was unassuming: blue sedan, 4 doors, not new. It isn’t particularly abnormal to see tokens on car dashboards, but the items are usually religious or cultural…I don’t think Batman fits either category.

The light turned green, and I safely turned left…but I couldn’t stop obsessing about Batman…Was Batman a childhood hero who had helped this guy survive a childhood trauma? Was he a memento from his sweetheart, a memorial to someone he lost, or a souvenir from a drunken trip in college? Did this guy lose a bet? Was he trying to piss off his wife, mark his property, or hold on to his manhood? Did Batman belong to this guy’s kid…or was he hoping Batman would attract a kid? Was it to lure unsuspecting females to his vehicle (with his “Daddy of the Year” image), where he drugs them, brainwashes them and forces them to join his harem and weave baskets all day? Could he be an evil genius trafficking wicker baskets by day and hosting killer fluffy bunny fights at night?

What does a killer fluffy bunny, harem-loving, basket-weaving sweat shop cult leader look like? Most of the sketch artist renditions on the 5 o’clock news show guys wearing hoodies and aviator sunglasses with 2-day old beard growth…who’s to say there wasn’t a lacy pink bra under that green t-shirt, like the firefighter in the series, Orange is the New Black? Maybe this guy has a Robin tattoo on his right…bicep…and bad teeth from smoking too many strawberry licorice whips…Where’s the nearest candy store?

I don’t know if he was married or single – there were no family stick-people decals on the back of his car. You know, the telltale signature from overachieving parents over-sharing their great skills and ability to produce multiple kids with great skills. Like we needed to know that Dad BBQs, Harry, Larry and Mary do sports, and Mom carries a briefcase! Don’t forget the cat, Sir Farts-a-lot…and the fish, not belly-up in his bowl. (Just once – I’d like to see Dad with a beer gut, the kids playing in the dirt and Mom on a stripper pole…it would just make my car ride more enjoyable…Watch out world – if the sticker families annoy you too, it’s only a matter of time before someone launches a website where these car vandals can upload and Photoshop their Selfies for 3 easy installments of $4.99 plus shipping and handling)

I safely arrived at my destination no closer to an answer to the Batman dashboard mystery, or what dastardly motive this unassuming guy had for placing him there…so beware! He’s still out there…

 …and he might have candy…

Happy Weekend!

Vinyl Seats and Short Shorts: A Mini Memory

21 Wednesday Aug 2013

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Family, Foolishness

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

driving, family, holiday, humour, memories, summer


I experienced a childhood flashback yesterday afternoon and it wasn’t exactly a pleasant one.

Yesterday I helped a friend move (without the benefit of air-conditioning on a sunny 30+ degrees day because I’m just “that” kind of friend). By the time everything was unloaded, we were both hot, sticky messes. We heaved our aching bodies into the moving van…and then I sat down. That’s when I had the flashback – an old car, windows rolled down in the car door, the sound of flies buzzing in the back window…and the black vinyl car seat repeatedly searing the backs of my legs. No amount of wiggling in my seat (because hot or cold, skin sticks to vinyl) or pulling on my clothes for protection, made a difference. We were fortunate if we happened to be wearing wet bathing suits (there were no change stations and the bathrooms were usually best avoided), because it meant that we had a wet towel to sit on. I’m surprised I never saw steam rising from it…Those vinyl seats were dangerous!

Little Guy has complained a few times this summer about a hot seat, but he has no idea what car torture is really all about. He has never experienced fingers blistered by fiery hot chrome on the seatbelt clips, and so has never mastered the art of buckling by handling only the fabric straps. He’s also never clipped himself in the searing hot seatbelt…Little Guy has never driven in a car without air-conditioning… especially for hours on end, with your knees up your nose (because Dad has the driver seat pushed all the way back) and the deafening impact of the wind beating against your face and head like dragon’s breath in the open window… I didn’t have cds, DVD players, hand-held video games, cup holders, or air bags. It’s a wonder I survived!

I yelped, of course, when I sat down in the moving van – and tugged on the back of my shorts just like I did many years ago. My friend laughed and made a comment, something about getting my “keester cooked” before saying the same thing my mother said to me a million times – “just sit down; it’ll cool off soon”. Those sage words were little comfort then and they were little comfort now.

Vinyl seats and short shorts do not mix!

Rules for Rest Stops

03 Saturday Aug 2013

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Foolishness

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

adventure, driving, frustration, holiday, humour, travel


“Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it.” –Greg Anderson  But when you’re on a journey, in the car…and your hot, tired and in need of pit stop, there’s nothing better than joining the crowds of grumpy adults and sticky kids in a rest centre. It’s a long weekend…here are a few rules to make it just the best experience in the journey!

If I need gas, I like to fill up before getting out to stretch, to buy refreshments, and to…well, you know!

1)      If there is a huge line-up at the gas pumps, do take the time to wash nearly every square inch of your car with the squeegee. Wet it often, and really scrub the side windows, since that’s the place the gooey bug guts really stick.

2)      Do take as long as possible paying inside in air conditioned comfort. Who doesn’t like sucking fumes while we wait?

In the parking lot,

1)      Do park crooked and sit in the spot with all the car doors open in order to monopolize as many spaces as possible. Let your kids run around – the search and the distractions give parking a game-like quality.

2)      Do feed the gulls. I enjoy dodging “bullets” on the way to and from the rest centre. I also like being attacked when I return to my car with food. Hitchcock would be proud.

Once inside, I usually head to the bathroom.

1)      Do cut to the front of a long line by speaking another language (or make up your own) and pretend to not understand. It’s a great distraction when your bladder is about to burst.

2)      Do sprinkle when you tinkle and don’t flush. Then I can play that game – you know the one you play when you stare at the clouds and pick out shapes. Lots of fun!

3)      Do leave just enough toilet paper on the roll to fool me into thinking there’s enough for one more person…

4)      Do monopolize the only working sink or dryer. If there’s a mirror over it, touch up your make-up. We’re all women, and we don’t mind waiting for that…

5)      Splash water all over the counter. It’s fun to juggle a purse (and a kid) while trying to wash your hands. The wet line across the front of your clothes from leaning over the counter to try to squirt soap in my hand, is refreshing.

6)      If you want to have some fun with your fellow passengers, drop a few squares of toilet paper by the door. It may just stick to their shoe.

7)      Don’t tell me if my skirt is caught in my underwear – I like the attention!

Once you’re done, head to the next line-up for food and drink:

1)      Do hold a place in line for your whole family, while they are in the bathroom.

2)      Wait until it’s your turn to decide what everyone wants to order. Change your mind often.

3)      Do wait until it’s time to pay to dig out your wallet. Pay in small change. We enjoy standing there watching you count out $0.95.

Finally, when you are leaving, if someone is waiting for your spot, take your time. And when back out, don’t look to see who is behind you. It sharpens the reflexes! And if there’s a stop sign, do sit at it briefly. It gives me time to catch my breath. Enter the highway as slowly as possible – merging at half the speed at which traffic is flowing is just too boring for those who didn’t take the time stop.

Keep enjoying “the journey”!

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