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jennsmidlifecrisis

jennsmidlifecrisis

Tag Archives: CoW

8th Annual Contest of Whatever

02 Tuesday Mar 2021

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Foolishness

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

contest, contestofwhatever, CoW, humour, squirrel, squirrels


This is the City. A lot of people live here. A lot of Squirrels live here. In this city’s war on gang crime, the worst case offenders are pursued by an elite task force, the SGU:

I’m your host, No.1, former mimbo to the notorious supervillain, Chloe the Cavy.

Supervillain Chloe the Cavy

As part of my rehabilitation (and because of my boyish good looks…)

…it is my job, nay my duty, nay my…what? Ahem. The Scuirine Gang Unit needs your help!

On or about May 26, 2016, Citizen J was slaving in her hot kitchen, baking for a charity bake sale. Finding her kitchen counters covered with cookies, good Citizen J left a pan of gooey chocolate brownies on her back porch to cool. When she returned a few minutes later, what she discovered was a brutal crime scene. More than half of the pan’s contents were missing. Globules of glistening chocolate lay congealing on the bare boards. The crime scene photos are so distrubing, we cannot show them On Air.

What savage beast could have reaped such distruction? No paw prints were left at the scene of the crime. But, the very next day, and for several days thereafter, THIS squirrel was seen begging near the scene of the crime, taunting poor, good Citizen J.

This squirrel is believed to be none other than the leader of a ruthless squirrel gang, Red’s. She is simply known as Madam X!

Madame X moved into the neighbourhood in the Spring of 2016, and quickly dominated all the other squirrels on the street. While she is a foxy red squirrel, her love for all things sweet consequently plays hav havoc her weight. Over the last two years, she has expanded her family by birthing two litters of kits.

Following this incident, Citizen J didn’t comply with Madam X’s advances and provide more brownies, so a series of nonsensical attacks ensued. These included, but were not limited to digging up tulip blossoms, leaving half eaten apples on the doorstep, destroying a makeshift clothes line, eating a chair cushion, and petty larceny.

Also public drunkenness…

The most disturbing crime, according to the victim, was the loss of a pair of brand new, never worn, white panties. The panties in question had been drying on the railing. “It wasn’t the loss of the panties that upsets me”, said Citizen J, “but the invasion of privacy. I shudder to think what those squirrels are using them for now”.

Other personal articles of clothing were nearly victims of Madame X’s voracious appetite for chaos.

Madame X does not always act alone. Some of her other known associates are:

Big Boy

Big Boy is the brawn, While a North American gray squirrel, he is far from “common”. Big Boy is the size of a small cat, and regularly licks himself in public!

Once sleek and shiny, Sly’s shifty eyes and mangy coat are a tell-tale sign of a squirrel with a serious nut addiction. Hard to believe gambling man, Sly, was once quite a ladies’ man.

Fearless Franco, is a highwire artist. He prefers to move from lair to lair, house to house, using a network of wires and tree branches. Franco was caught once trying to tunnel into a house through a window. Brain damage from a fall is suspected, or perhaps he was just caught in an mis-guided panty raid. We’ll never know.

Madame X’s grip on the neighbourhood contines to grow. More secret lairs have been spotted on or near Citizen J’s property.

Most recently, Citizen J. was forced to take legal action to evict Madame X and her two newest members, from a secret lair they had set up inside Citizen J’s back porch. In addition to the noise complaints and destruction of property, Citizen J’s back porch became the playground for the Red’s.

Citizen J continues to live in fear of retribution.

If you have any information about Madame X and her gang, we implore you to call the SGU at 1-800-squ-rrel!

Don’t let her innocent face fool you!

Next week, we meet Rasputin, drug lord of the Nap-Riv community!

I’m your host, No.1. Good night!

—

This is my ridiculous entry for the 8th Annual Contest of Whatever, sponsored by Evil Squirrel, at The Nest. The only requirement, to work “X” into the post.

6th Annual Contest of Whatever

26 Tuesday Feb 2019

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Foolishness

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

CoW, humour, lingerie, squirrels


Every year, Evil Squirrel hosts the Annual Contest of Whatever. It is a contest that requires mad artistic flair and…well, that’s pretty much it. And usually a requirement or two, which this year was this: “A squirrel walks into a bar”. Little Guy and I won the random draw for our entry 2 years ago. So without further ado, here is our entry for the 6th Annual Contest of Whatever…

* * *

One day….

Red Squirrel 2_ed

…a dyslexic squirrel…

Red Squirrel 3_ed

…walks into a bra….

DSC_2918_ed (800x674)

 

 

 

 

 

The End.

Happy Tuesday!

Disclaimer: No squirrel was harmed in the making of this unusual blog post. In fact, he was handsomely compensated for his acting debut. The only thing that was harmed was my frying pan, when I neglected it briefly, scorching dinner (which Hubby ate anyway). Hubby was compensated with homemade chocolate chip cookies.

WPC: Peek

08 Wednesday Nov 2017

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Photography

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

CoW, nature, Photo Challenge, photography, Weekly Photo Challenge


dscn4519-2-800x730

You’ve got to ask yourself a question: ‘do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?
– Dirty Harry

To see more , click here.

4th Annual Contest of Whatever

13 Monday Feb 2017

Posted by jennsmidlifecrisis in Foolishness

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

CoW, humour, pets


Warning: Today’s ridiculousness was hatched by Jenn and her (best and not stupid son – wink!) as our entry in Evil Squirrel’s 4th annual CoW (contest of whatever)!

***

I am interrupting Jenn’s stupid blog post (some mindless middle-aged rant about finding a long white hair. I seriously don’t know what her problem is! I am 40% white hair and I’m adorable)! I need to introduce myself before I harnass the humans to set the record straight. My name is Chloe.

chloe

See? Adorable!

Last week, Jenn posted a cruel story, sharing with the world my private humiliation – breaking my front teeth. She thinks I was being silly, running around my cage and falling off my red plastic igloo. The truth is, I was in training for a secret mission. I was dangling on the edge of a cliff when my foot slipped and I fell into a deep chasm.

Jenn doesn’t know these things because I prefer to keep her in the dark. I’ve been living here for almost a year now and she has yet to discover that I am a supervillain!  (aside: Yes Evil Squirrel, I realize this is supposed to be a dialogue but a villain always monologues…) Where was I…?

gp-robot-arm

My evil lair is hidden within the walls of this house. Every night, Jenn thinks I’m staring at her, begging for food. Not true! I am using my extraordinary telepathic abilities to make her tired so she’ll go to bed and I can sneak off to my state-of-the-art lab! It works every night!

gp-mad-lab

I am greater than the Red Squirrel (he’s just insane) and smarter than the Brain (he’s just a megalomaniac)! I am also a master of disguises.

I am the greatest supervillain! I am Chloe, the cleverest cavy of all time!

Norman: Yes! Yes she is!

norman-640x609
Chloe: Oh crap! Who let this guy in?
Norman: Nobody. The door was open.
Chloe: Sigh…I’m an expert at robotics but can’t fix that stupid latch!
Norman: Aren’t you going to introduce me?
Chloe: No.

gp-and-norman

Loooooooooong awkward pause

Chloe: Ok, fine! This, ladies & gentlemen, is the sole reason my ingenius plans haven’t been successful to harnass the humans. This is Norman.
Norman: Hi, I’m Norman.
Chloe: Norman has a brain the size of a pea, makes friends with the shampoo bottles, and eats his own poop!

norman-and-sheila-430x640

Norman: Hi! I’m Norman. This is my friend, Sheila. She’s from “down under”.

Chloe: Yes…well now that we’ve established that, you may now bear witness to my greatest feat as I demonstrate the awesome power of my latest invention – I call it the Gigantimiser. One flip of the switch by my trusty mimbo  henchman, No. 1…

GP and Gang.jpg

No. 1: ‘Sup?
Chloe: Not now Carl. Didn’t we talk about dressing like a professional last night? Go put some pants on!
No. 1: But dude, these shorts are so comfortable.
Chloe: Carl.
No. 1: They don’t pinch my…
Chloe: Carl!
No. 1: Yes boss.

Chloe: Carl’s not bad on the eyes but he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Since No. 1 is currently indisposed, let me show you what it’s supposed to do so that you will fear me…

dsc_0757-640x427
dsc_0764-427x640

Chloe: See the fear in their eyes? I will go on a rampage of epic proportions and..wait! Why do I smell cheese pizza and burnt hair? Norman! Norman, did you use the incinerator to make pizza again? Norman?
Norman: I wanted to watch G-Force in your new BlueRay player…
Chloe:  I don’t have a BlueRay…What did you do with the …
Norman: I just wanted a snack…
Chloe: Someone call the Fire Department…

Later…

GP and Fire Truck.jpg

I just had a brilliant idea on how to harnass the humans. Mwa ha ha…

Happy Monday – everyone…

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