Waiting for Little Guy

Tags

babies, blessing, faith, family, infertility, midlife crisis

Little Guy’s name means “Gift from God”. Today our gift turns 8! I’ve shared once before about waiting for Little Guy because it’s an intensely personal story and I am an ineloquent writer…but let me try again.

In 2003, my husband and I decided to have a baby. We had been married 7 years and there were many times over those 7 years that I wondered if we would ever both be at that place. Before trying to conceive, I asked God “to close my womb” if it was not the right thing for us, or not the right time for us. I wanted God’s will to be done in my life. I don’t know what prompted me to pray this way…but God answered, and as the months passed into years, the disappointment, the obsession, the sense of failure, and all my questions grew. I struggled with shame, guilt and an overwhelming sense of “failure”. It seemed there were pregnant women everywhere I went. I dreamed about babies. I remember having a dream so vivid, that when I woke up I could still feel a baby in my arms. Other areas in my life started to fall apart as well. I felt like I was in a dark hole with no escape. I was drowning and there didn’t seem to be anyone close by, not even God. I cried, I begged, and I raged. I tried to ignore God; sometimes I simply sat with Him because I had no more words. There were days when it hurt just to breathe. I still wanted His will and I acknowledged that even in my current anguish, He could be sparing me more suffering if He answered my prayer and it was not His best for me.

In 1 Timothy 1:19 Paul wrote to Timothy “I give you this instruction…so that by following them you may fight the good fight, holding on to faith and a good conscience. Some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith.” I knew had to choose – keep swimming by looking to God and living faithfully, or let my faith be shipwrecked. If I let my faith be shipwrecked, where else would I go?

Eventually we were referred to a fertility specialist who ran some tests. Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive within 12 months. It is estimated that 1 in 6 couples will experience infertility. I already knew there was no physical reason we couldn’t have a baby. We elected to try the least invasive treatment, but if it didn’t help in 3 months, it wasn’t going to work. During that second month, I re-read the story of Hannah. Tthat Friday morning, I prayed and I sobbed (as I had done before more times that I can count), but when I finished, I felt for the first time in a long time that I could take a deep breath. God was rescuing me from the pit – I wasn’t going to drown. I felt hope, peace, and joy. God had another plan for me, a better plan for me. I could truly say that I had surrendered to Him. I thought I had surrendered before, but this was different. I was free.

The next day, I told Hubby that I was willing to stop trying for a baby if nothing happened after this treatment. And I asked him to be patient with me because I would need time to grieve the loss of this dream. 5 days after that conversation, I found out I was pregnant. God blessed me in 2 ways. Yes, he gave me Little Guy. But more importantly He gave me Himself. Yes, my circumstances changed, but more importantly God changed me in a profound way.

But God has shown me that the dream to be fruitful can represent a deeper desire to to invest ourselves in something that matters. God does not allow surrendered hearts to continue to long for things He will not ultimately grant in one way or another. Until we have surrendered our hopes and dreams, we have little way of knowing what would fulfill us.

I had a hard time getting pregnant after Little Guy, and when I did, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated by that loss and the loss of that dream. I’m middle-aged – I won’t be bearing any more children. But I am trusting God to fill that desire for more “family”. Isaiah 54: 1-4 says “Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby. Fill the air with song, you who’ve never experienced childbirth! You’re ending up with far more children than all those childbearing women.” God says so! Clear lots of ground for your tents! Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big! Use plenty of rope, drive the tent pegs deep. You’re going to need lots of elbow room for your growing family”. (The Message*) There are still opportunities in my family, my church, and my community to bear “spiritual offspring”. I love that God thinks outside the box!

Happy Birthday Little Guy. You are such a blessing! You give me so much to celebrate every day!

*Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group

My Best Christmas Present

Tags

babies, blessing, Christmas, faith, family, memories

We can all recall at least one gift that made an indelible imprint our memory. Our pastor was talking about this on Sunday, and one of his memories was a special race track (and the hours he spent racing his Dad). Nearly every year, for the past 20+ years, I have whispered in Big Guy’s ear – “you are my best Christmas present”.

I was barely 16 when I found out I was pregnant. As you can imagine, it was not quite the joyous occasion that the announcement of an impending child brings. My parents and I received lots of advice and suggestions, most of it not really all that helpful.

From the moment I heard that I was pregnant, I began to ask God to show me what His will was for this life I was carrying. Would I raise him or her, or would it be better to relinquish him or her to another family? And I waited, and prayed, and explored my options, and continued with my studies…and I waited. By Christmas, time was of the essence. My baby was due February 4th, and a decision needed to be made. And I waited…until Christmas morning.

We were sitting around the tree, bundled up because the furnace had quit in the night, opening our Christmas presents. My brother was home from university, and he had given me 2 gifts. That seemed strange. I opened the smaller gift first – and it was a cassette tape of lullabies. He told me that he had been in the Christian bookstore and he really felt he should get it for me. And I knew. I knew that I was meant to keep my child. I knew that whatever the future held, God had spoken to me and He would support me through it. I knew with a certainty that has never wavered…not when Big Guy had surgery (twice…both times during my college exams and I lived at the hospital for weeks and studied in the middle of the night in a ward full of restless children), not when he broke my heart by calling my Dad “papa-dad” because he knew he should have a dad, not when we moved to the Big City and my parents were so far away.

I didn’t have to wait long after that morning…I went into labour exactly one month later! Life as a single parent was tough! I wouldn’t change a single moment of it. Big Guy was my best Christmas present and I’ll be sure to whisper it in his ear again this year.

p.s. My cabbage patch doll is a close second…and my Xbox and Guitar Hero games and controllers…that was pretty cool too…

Sex Education

Tags

babies, family, humour

Saturday morning, Little Guy came thundering in to my bedroom. I thought he’d had a bad dream. Turns out he had exciting news:

“Mom! Guess what?!? I had 5 babies last night!”

And I didn’t even know he was pregnant! Pretty soon I’ll have to have “the talk” with him, and once shared, it can’t be unshared!

I had the talk with Big Guy around Grade 5. We were shopping for clothes for him and he asked me “what does ‘doing it’ mean?” I knew it was coming! I asked him if he was sure, because once I told him, I couldn’t untell him. He decided to wait. Sure enough, he was back a few days later and I imparted the necessary information, without sharing too much information! He thought it was gross! And…when you really think about the mechanics of it…he was right! I assured him it would OK when the time was right (i.e., after you’re married).

Yes, I am aware of the irony! I have never believed in sex before marriage…and I became a Mom at 16. There was no immaculate conception! Just stupidity and low self-esteem.

For now, I will just have to enjoy my 5 new (stuffed) grandbabies! At least I straightened him this Summer (A Couple of Friday Funnies) when he told me his stuffed dog had laid eggs!

A Couple of Friday Funnies

Tags

babies, family, humour

We’ve all seen the paintings of “Dogs Playing Poker” by C.M. Coolidge, but have you ever seen wolves playing dominoes? Thanks Little Guy!

I was hoping to put off the procreation “talk” a little longer with Little Guy…but the other night he whispered a secret to me…his mother wolf was going to have babies. I replied, “really”? To which he replied, “yup, she’s going to lay eggs”.

Happy Friday!

 

 

 

Losing Hope

Tags

adventure, babies, Bible, death, faith, family, hope, infertility, loss, miscarriage, poem, shoes

I can’t believe it’s been 4 years…4 years ago today, it was grey and drizzling, but I didn’t mind. My precious boys were eating breakfast together, and I couldn’t stop smiling. I was pregnant again…at last! But my joy was short-lived. 4 years ago today I spent 8 hours alone waiting in the E.R. for confirmation of what I already knew – I was having a miscarriage. There was no drama, like on TV, but a long, slow process, one that meant I continued to hope, even as a longed for an end so I could grieve. I wasn’t just losing a baby, I was also losing a dream.

Romans 5:2-5 says: “…And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us”. During the weeks that I waited, the line “and hope does not disappoint us” kept running through my mind. It was God’s message to me – not the part about character or perseverance (at least not this time), but the part about hope. It’s been so hard to surrender my hope for another baby, and the life that I had long imagined. I have grieved for my baby, Hope, and my lost dreams; I think a little part of me always will. But I believe God does not allow surrendered hearts to continue to long for things He will not ultimately grant in one way or another. I lost Hope, but I haven’t lost hope…I am choosing to believe that God has a different adventure for me, a better one than even the perfect adventure I imagined.

I found this poem, rather accidentally and wanted to share it in case there was someone else who needed it more. My experience, sadly, is not unique. I cannot say I wouldn’t change the outcome if I could (at least not whole-heartedly just yet), but my heart and my feet are beginning to hurt less, and I am ready and excited for my different adventure.

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author unknown

Waiting for Little Guy – Part II

Tags

babies, Bible, blessing, disappointment, failure, faith, family, fertility, fruitful, hope, infertility

My favourite Bible teacher, Beth Moore, believes that God gave women 4 girlish dreams: 1) to be a bride; 2) to be beautiful; 3) to be fruitful; and, 4) to live happily ever after. I also believe that God does not give us dreams that He is unprepared to fulfill or replace with a grander dream of His own. He doesn’t always fulfil our dreams as we expect or ask. Today I’m going to focus on #3, to be fruitful – for now, let’s view “fruitful” as having children. But what if, for some reason, you couldn’t have a baby, you’re infertile?

Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive within 12 months. It is estimated that 1 in 6 couples will experience infertility. Some people say that in our culture, children are no longer a prerequisite to a full life, there aren’t the same expectations or pressure to have offspring. But when your biological clock is ticking…and it’s LOUD… and you want a baby SO badly that it’s all you can think, all you can see around you, all you could dream about at night, all rationalization goes out the window! The heart takes over. It’s not something we talk about openly. Deep down, an infertile woman struggles with shame, guilt and an overwhelming sense of “failure”. Satan can sow shame in virtually any soil; infertility is fertile soil.

In 2003, my husband and I decided to have a baby. We had been married 7 years and there were many times over those 7 years that I wondered if we would ever both be at that place. Before trying to conceive, I asked God “to close my womb” if it was not the right thing for us, or not the right time for us. I wanted God’s will to be done in my life. I don’t know what prompted me to pray this way…but God answered, and as the months passed, the disappointment, the obsession, the sense of failure, and all the questions grew. It seemed there were pregnant women every where I looked. I dreamed about babies. I remember having a dream so vivid, that when I woke up I could still feel a baby in my arms. And it seemed at that time that other areas in my life started to fall apart as well. To put it bluntly, I felt like I was in a dark hole with no escape, I was drowning and there didn’t seem to be anyone close by, not even God. I begged, I raged, I bargained, I tried to ignore God; sometimes I simply sat with Him because I had no more words. I still wanted His will, I knew that even in my current anguish (for lack of a better word), He could be sparing more suffering if He answered my prayer, but it was not His best for me.

In 1 Timothy 1:19 Paul wrote to Timothy “I give you this instruction…so that by following them you may fight the good fight, holding on to faith and a good conscience. Some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith.” I had a choice – keep swimming by looking to God and living faithfully, or let my faith be shipwrecked. If I let my faith be shipwrecked, where else would I go?

Eventually we were referred to a fertility specialist who ran some tests. I already knew there was no physical reason we couldn’t have a baby. We elected to try the least invasive treatment, but if it didn’t help in 3 months, it wasn’t going to work. During that second month, I re-read Hannah. And that Friday morning, I prayed and I sobbed (as I had done before more times that I can count), but when I finished, I felt for the first time in a long time, that I could breathe. God was rescuing me – I wasn’t going to drown, I had hope and peace, and joy. God had another plan for me, a better plan for me. I could truly say that I had surrendered to Him. I thought I had surrendered before, but this was different. I was free.

The next day, I told my husband that I was willing to stop trying for a baby if nothing happened after this treatment. And I asked him to be patient with me, because I would need time to grieve the loss of this dream. 5 days after that conversation, I found out I was pregnant. God blessed me in 2 ways. Yes, he gave me Little Guy. But more importantly He gave me Himself. Yes, my circumstances changed, but more importantly God changed me in a profound way.

When I thought about being fruitful, babies used to be what came to mind. But God has shown me that that dream can represent a deeper desire to live fruitful lives, to invest ourselves in something that matters. God does not allow surrendered hearts to continue to long for things He will not ultimately grant in one way or another. Hearts surrendered to God can be trusted. Until we have surrendered our hopes and dreams, we have little way of knowing what would fulfill us. Most of us bank on circumstantial contentment, but we end up bankrupt. If-onlys (like the what-ifs) cling to us and drag us down…if only I was married, if only I had children, if only I had a bigger house, better car, perfect body…Unhappy women are not made happy by these things. An unhappy woman usually needs a change of heart than a change of circumstances.

I had a hard time getting pregnant after Little Guy, and when I did, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated by that loss and the loss of that dream. There are many women who I know that have never had biological children but God has blessed them with many children through Sunday school or children and youth programs. But you know what, all women become barren as we age, but it doesn’t have to mean that we’re done being fruitful! There are still opportunities to bear spiritual offspring. Moms and children in our families, in our church and in our community, who are desperately in need of someone to love them, to encourage them, and to point them to Jesus. Isn’t that what Moms and Grandmas do? We just sponsored another child through World Vision, and I cried. It sounds ridiculous, but in a way, the kids we sponsor are my kids. I pray for them, I encourage them and I point them to Jesus, and in turn, they are fulfilling a need in me. And now I’m asking God to show me others who I can be a “ Spiritual Mom” to – I can still have a fruitful life! God thinks outside the box!

Hannah surrendered her heart to God. Her circumstances may not have changed, but she did. God remembered her faithfulness and blessed her. God calls us to be faithful regardless of our circumstances, to be surrendered to whatever He chooses for us and where ever He calls us. When we are, He will change us. He will bless us with His presence. He will bless us in ways we cannot imagine. God created every life to be fruitful and to grow in grace!

References: “12 Extraordinary Women” by John MacArthur and “Breaking Free” by Beth Moore

Waiting for Little Guy – Part I

Tags

babies, Bible, faith, family, hope, infertility

Earlier this week, I said I might share a bit about waiting for Little Guy, with the proviso that I might chicken out. No, I haven’t gotten over the “chickening out” part, but it’s been on my mind. I truly believe that if we are real with each other, we can support and encourage each other, even if we aren’t going through the same things. So I’ve reviewed a devotional talk I gave a year ago – and broke it down into 2 parts. The first part talks about Hannah, and if you don’t know the story, you will see how it relates to me, and how it means to me now. Tomorrow I will tell you my story – I promise! It’s not that I have an incredible story or that I’m an extraordinary person – in fact, I’m quite the opposite – but I do serve an extraordinary God and I like to share His stories. Who wouldn’t like to be the heroine in an adventure, and frankly, if you look at it the right way, every day is an adventure.

Hannah struggled with an issue that is sadly not all that uncommon – infertility. In fact, there are a few women in the Bible who struggled with that issue. Each one handled her situation with a deep and abiding love for God, and with a constant, steadfast faith…with grace.

Let me start at the beginning in 1 Samuel. Elkanah had 2 wives – Hannah and Penninah. Penninah had children, but Hannah had none, and it’s likely that Elkanah married Penninah as a result of Hannah’s barrenness. It was vitally important in the Hebrew culture to have children to maintain the family inheritance and the family name. Hannah was in constant disgrace and anguish because of her infertility. To make it worse, Penninah cruelly taunted Hannah, constantly reminding her that God had not granted her children. The burden and stress made life almost unbearable.

Once a year Elkanah journeyed with his family, to Shiloh to serve in the tabernacle (which was part of his tribal lineage). They were a devout family. On the day that came for Elkanah to make an offering to God (a sacrifice in which the offerer roasted the sacrificial animal and ate a feast in God’s honour), Elkanah gave a portion to his family, but to Hannah, he always gave a double portion. This was a public honour that he regularly and deliberately bestowed on her in the presence of others at the feast. Elkanah loved her deeply even though “God had closed her womb”. His actions magnified Penninah’s jealousy and she would torment Hannah until Hannah wept bitterly and could not eat. Hannah longed to be a mother. For her, motherhood was the highest calling God could bestow on any woman.

Hannah was a devout woman with a deep and abiding love for God. Despite her agony, she never complained or grumbled against God or her husband for her childlessness. She understood that “children are an inheritance from the Lord” so she went to the temple and “In bitterness of soul (three words that speak volumes) Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord saying, “O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will remember him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head”. Then she continued to pray in her heart. Her desire for a child was not a mere craving for self-gratification but about self-sacrifice, to give herself to a little one so that she could give him back to God. Hannah remained faithful to God, a constant, steadfast faith, despite the disappointment and heartache.

She remained before God in a persistent and passionate prayer, so much so, that her intensity made her stand out in the temple. It was customary to pray aloud, but Hannah seemed to understand that God sees right into our hearts. The New Testament teaches that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when our prayers are mere groanings. Eli the priest noticed Hannah but didn’t recognize that she was praying and he scolded her for being drunk. Hannah answered with grace and humility, horrified by his suggestion. She explained that she had merely been pouring out her heart in sorrow, but did not explain the sorrow. Eli blessed Hannah and asked God to grant her petition. Hannah left the temple, no longer downcast. She had cast her whole burden on God and was confident that He would answer her in accord to what was best for her. She had no assurance that she would ever have a child, but chose instead to rest in a humble faith that acknowledged God’s sovereignty in her life.

It says in verse 19 “Elkanah lay with Hannah, his wife, and the Lord remembered her”. I used to wonder what that meant – if God knows everything and is always with us, how could He forget Hannah? To remember in the Bible is not merely to recall to mind; it is to express concern for someone, to act with loving care for him/her. When God remembers His people, He does so with favour. He remembers our faithfulness, for we are never forgotten. Hannah gave birth to Samuel, a towering figure in Israel’s history. He was a priest, one of the last judges, and the one who anointed David as King, and we know that Jesus lineage is traced back to King David. When God answered Hannah’s petition, her thankful soul responded with a pure, unbroken stream of praise.

St. Patrick’s Day

Tags

babies, blessing, cupcake

St. Patrick’s Day – a day when everyone says “Kiss me – I’m Irish” – even if they are not! I have Irish in my lineage, but certainly a few generations ago! It irritates Hubby when people call themselves Irish (like me) because he is Irish. He immigrated with his family on a boat, when he was 6, but sadly, he’s lost his Irish brogue. Grr….

As a kid, St. Patrick’s Day was all about wearing green, drinking green milk (food colouring) or consuming Shamrock Shakes from McDonald’s. I can even remember eating chocolate cupcakes filled with green whipped cream (thanks, Mom)! It was always fun to celebrate!

In 2005, I had an exceptional reason to celebrate on St. Patrick’s Day. I was wearing a green velvet jacket and my green plaid kilt. And it was the day I found out I was pregnant with Little Guy. One of these days I’ll tell you about waiting for Little Guy maybe even this week, if I don’t “chicken” out), but just know for now that it was a long wait and an incredible faith journey. I took the pregnancy test at work, assuming it would just be another disappointment, in a long line of monthly disappointments, but when that “plus” sign appeared, I was in shock…then came the jumping, dancing and stifled screaming. Do you know how hard it is to dance in a small bathroom cubicle? That was a Thursday night. Friday morning, I tore over to the Dr’s office to confirm by blood test – and it was positive too! Hubby was home with the sniffles, so Big Guy and I threw our stuff in the car and headed to my parents’ to share the good news! I can’t believe that was 7 years ago! Little Guy is not the result of any “luck of the Irish” (a phrase not coined in Ireland since the Irish, historically, have never had ‘good luck’), but the grace of God.

Always remember to forget
The troubles that passed away.
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day.