I keep meeting so many bloggers with great aspirations. I love it! But…it makes me feel like my simple life and my small dreams can’t begin to measure up. No one said they have to and that’s where so many feelings get in the way. Guilt, discontent, fear…
I’m supposed to be writing a blog about having a mid-life crisis, but I am beginning to see that, while I am no longer content to be a wall flower and I’ve certainly pushed myself to try new things (and had fun doing it), it has been the inner struggle of trying to sort out just who I am that has created the most conflict.
Part of the conflict comes from wanting more but not knowing what exactly. How do you flesh out a vision when there is no dream to pursue? Part of the conflict comes from being content with who and where I am right now, but struggling with this nagging sense that I should want more, and feeling guilty that I am not pushing myself harder.
Looking back over the last 5 years, I can see that I have changed. I’ve learned to cry less and laugh more. My outlook on the value of life and the importance of relationships has deepened, without becoming burdensome. And while I still want to “make my mark on the world”, I’m seeing that that mark doesn’t have to be in the form of a charismatic leader on the world stage. I may never win a literary award and my only claim to fame may be in son’s eyes, but part of me is ok with that. Not “OK” in the sense that I’m resigned to a fate of obscurity in the annals of history, but “OK” in the sense that it is enough. Right now.
Perhaps, at times, it is even more than enough. This week, to the broken-hearted woman whose friend had passed away only hours before, I was someone she could trust to share her grief in that moment. To the little girl in the public restroom, who couldn’t quite reach the soap dispenser, I was a friendly “mom-type” to set the water temperature and high-five so we both had gooey hands. Perhaps it’s in those moments that I am more “me” than I realize, and if so, I am content with my life.
Krista O’Reilly Davi Digui’s well-written and honest piece entitled “What if All I Want is a Mediocre Life?” showed up on my Facebook Page. I would encourage you to read it. Even if you don’t necessarily want a mediocre life, the reality is that most of us will never walk a red carpet, but is that such a bad thing? When is enough, right now, in the moment, simply and beautifully, more than enough?
There’s still so much to sort out, isn’t there?
Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, you’ll find me
– John Mark Hall/Casting Crowns, Somewhere In The Middle lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Capitol Christian Music Group
* * *
This has been a “10 Minute Monday” post (where I write about whatever I want for a minimum 10 minutes, no editing – mayhem, memories, maudlin mumblings, or “mwa ha ha” moments.