Stars & Sock Stripes

Tags

family, fitness, hot flashes, humour, midlife crisis

My first mistake was going for a run last night. Who am I kidding? In less than a month, I’m gonna’ die during Mud Hero. My team of truly fit people will have to bury me in the woods.

The run itself was really 10 minutes of slow jogging interspersed with stretches of fast walking. It’s not that I lack the drive – I can easily spur myself on. I can ignore the smell of burning as my shorts start to smolder between my thighs from the friction. I can ignore the middle-aged farm boys in their beat-up trucks who honk as they pass by. I can ignore the unidentifiable road kill. But it’s hard to ignore the feeling that I’m breathing and my lungs are moving, but no air seems to be getting in. My throat was burning. It would have been a great time for a sip of water…but I didn’t bring any with me.

By the time I got back to the house, I was warm. Inside the house, I was really too warm…I’m in full-fledged “hot flash” mode and I want to peel my clothes off. I peeled off my shoes and socks instead. I love rings…just not sock stripes around both of my pasty white ankles. My legs were starting to feel like gelatin and my head was in the clouds. I needed a drink of water. My parents’ well water is potable but it doesn’t taste very good. We buy water to drink in large (and heavy) re-fillable plastic jugs that rest on the floor. I had to bend over to pick it up – pretty stars!

With water in my tea cup, I flopped down in the nearest chair and turned on the fan. It wasn’t plugged in, which required bending over again… When I got the fan working, the button to keep it from swinging from side to side, was broken…so I held the stand in such a way that even though the fan head was rotating, I had a fresh breeze on my face. But it wasn’t enough…

So I wandered outside. You know that scene in the movie, America’s Sweethearts, when John Cusack sees a beautiful woman (Julia Roberts) dressed in white, and she stole his heart? I did not look like that. I looked more like a zombie from Night of the Living Dead. My hair was falling out of my ponytail. The only colour on my face was my nose and cheeks, which were competing with my hot pink shirt for brilliancy. Three hours later, my face still had that “rosy glow”. I’m sure Little Guy would have approved of it as a nightlight.

The farmer next door was cutting his hay. That deterred me from jumping into the pool in my clothes. I dabbled my feet in the pool. I splashed water on my knees. I rubbed water on my face…and the heat started to recede. Sweet relief, and not a second too soon. It was time to read to Little Guy.

I resumed a tradition from when I was a kid – my Mom would read bedtime stories outside in the Summer, probably because we didn’t have air conditioning and it was cooler outside. Little Guy likes that tradition, so we curled up on the lounge chair to read together. Little Guy is like his Dad – always warm! He snuggled up closely and the heat reignited.

It wasn’t until Little Guy was in bed that I noticed the back of my shorts were wet. Either I sat in some water when I was dabbling my feet in the pool, or I wet my pants and didn’t know it. By this point, both were very real possibilities. It was time to hit the showers…and plan my funeral!

Mud!

Tags

fitness, humour, Tough Mudder

Mud is very nice to feel
All squishy-squash between the toes!
I’d rather wade in wiggly mud
Than smell a yellow rose.
Nobody else but the rosebush knows
How nice mud feels
Between the toes.
– Polly Chase Boyden

I’m in trouble again. Remember when I started training for Tough Mudder in the Fall. That fell through when the girls I was exercising with once a week, decided they didn’t want to continue. In fairness to them, they all have little people at home and it was hard for some of them to stay motivated. It’s not easy to do push-ups with a screaming child sitting on your head, or skip rope with a child glued to your upper thigh.

Tough Mudder came and went, but starting today, I am “training” (a.k.a. hopelessly farting around trying to get in shape by myself) for a Mud Run…I haven’t actually registered yet. And if when I do, I’m joining a team of regular Exercisers with a trainer and everything, and I have high expectations of humiliation, followed by weeks of self-loathing and ibuprofen! Wish me luck!

Shake it, Baby

Tags

family, fitness, humour

The next time I decide to do something embarrassing, I’m going to either a) make sure no one is home, or b) close the bedroom door. Little Guy was playing in the bathtub Saturday morning (something he hasn’t done in a long time), so I had to stay upstairs where I could hear him. So I decided to try something I haven’t tried in a very long time – belly dancing!

I took classes at the Community Centre just before Little Guy came along, and I really enjoyed it. I couldn’t believe that I was, in fact, the youngest in the class. The majority of women were in their ’50s, and most were not first-timers like me. I bought a DVD 2 years ago and it’s been sitting on the shelf next to my yoga DVD, collecting dust.

Belly dance is a torso-driven dance, with emphasis on hips. The focus of the dance is on relaxed isolations of the torso muscles, rather than on movements of the limbs through space.

There are three basic types of movements:
Percussive movements – Staccato movements, most commonly of the hips, ribcage or shoulders, which can be used to accent the beat.
Fluid movements – Continuously flowing horizontal and vertical figures of 8, or infinity loops, commonly used to interpret the music.
Shimmies, shivers and vibrations – Small, fast, continuous movements of the hips or ribcage.

Dancers may include travelling steps, turns and spins. The arms are used to frame and accentuate movements of the hips, and to create beautiful lines and shapes with the body.

Belly dance is a non-impact, weight-bearing exercise, which improves flexibility and strengthens the spine, back, legs, and abs. It is also a good exercise for the prevention of osteoporosis. Dancing with a veil can help build strength in the upper body, arms, and shoulders.

Most people are shocked when they hear that I used to belly dance, maybe because some of the dance movements can have a very sexual connation, but it’s really good exercise. Little Guy thought my coin belt was “too noisy” but he liked my veil. And Hubby…well when Hubby walked in on me, he just kind of snickered and departed. Smart move!

Fountain of Youth

Tags

fitness, food, humour

Researchers, scientific explorers, are always looking for the fountain of youth…or just faster, easier, or better ways to lose weight, get fit, or look younger – and then reporting on it. It’s a well-known fact that eating well in moderation, being physically active, and keeping a strong social network is key to strong health and longevity.

Roy Walford, a researcher, gerontologist and author, didn’t believe in eating in “moderation”. He theorized that one could live a longer and more vigorous live by consuming only 1,600 calories per day. He began his research in the 1960’s, and he reported that his test subjects (mice) doubled their life span on the restricted diet. He also lived on his restricted diet but died of ALS at the age of 79.

Scientists are still exploring the theory of eating less = living longer. It’s called “Calorie Restriction”, and I’m pretty sure I’m not a fan! Living longer in and of itself is less of an issue, provided I am is healthy and can continue to have an active and social lifestyle (me…social. Good one!). Eating less becomes an issue for me, particularly if less means less sweets (O Henry!). The latest scientific results are a mixed bag. On the plus side, certain age-related diseases like diabetes, arthritis and cardiovascular problems, arrived later in life for those who lived on restricted diets. Also reported was a “significant reduction in cancer if calorie restriction started at a young age”. There are tons of down sides to “caloric restriction” including to patients who are underweight – they may have the worst prognosis when a serious problem does arise.

Exercise – that evil “E” word. Where we collect fat on our bodies can affect our health. We know that when Homer Simpson flicked his gut and cheered “Woo hoo! Look at the blubber go!” – it wasn’t a good thing! Visceral fat is the type of fat that creates muffin tops or love handles around our waists and it carries all kinds of harmful effects like releasing fatty acids and inflammatory “guk” in our bodies (I assert that “guk” is a viable medical term). That guk is related to extra fat around the heart and liver, which increases the risk of diabetes and heart disease. By being physically active, there will be less visceral fat hanging around, and when we exercise, it’s the first to go…even if we don’t actually drop a pound! But you still have to work up a sweat…

And a social network? More and more people are taking a bite into cyberspace for social networks and support, from keeping themselves accountable on Twitter to monitoring progress with Exercise Apps. Weight Watcher’s Chief Scientist, Karen Miller-Kovach said “You’re not going to tweet yourself to thinness but if you’re following a program and also tweeting about it, you may see more success”. I have a Twitter account – I just don’t really know how to use it. I also have a new cell phone, but I don’t text. Guess this isn’t going to work for me – I’ll stick to blogging. I just have to remind myself, if I’m not willing to share what I’m eating, why am I eating it? Oh yeah. Because it’s good…

To sum up, the most important finding…it seems the fountain of youth is as elusive as ever! I’m running out of time – pass the chips!

Resources: http://www2.macleans.ca/2012/09/26/hunger-games/
http://www2.macleans.ca/2012/09/27/fat-but-fit/
http://www2.macleans.ca/2013/01/21/lean-mean-twitter-machines/

Wings

Tags

fitness, humour

I’ve heard them called water wings before, but thanks to a Zits Sunday comic, I have a new term…

Guess I have another reason to try to keep working out… If only all that reaching from the bag of potato chips (not gluten-free and delicious!) to my mouth would be sufficient to conquer the Bingo Wings epidemic. Of course, genetics aren’t in my favour. ~sigh~

Wonder Woman

Tags

cartoon, fitness, humour

Lynda Carter played Wonder Woman (1975-1979) and I used to watch the re-runs and wish I could be her. I would spin around, hoping to transform into that fabulous one-piece outfit, complete with a gold belt (the source of her tremendous strength), gold bracelets to stop any bullet, a tiara boomerang, and the magic lasso of truth. Usually I just ended up getting dizzy and bouncing off the wall. Now that I have her body…I wish I looked more like Elektra instead. Curves were great…in the 1940’s (and evidently in 1970’s).

So when I saw this comic one Saturday morning, having just shuffled from the kitchen to the couch because I was still feeling the effects of a Thursday workout, I had to laugh out loud. Here’s a new way, in my nearly 40 year old body, that I can be recapture Wonder Woman…(you might have to click on it to see it…I don’t know how to change that – sorry…)

Animal Exercise

Tags

fitness, humour

Since I played “hookie” last week with my shopping expedition (…and since my arthritis had flared so much and I haven’t done…anything in 2 weeks)…I didn’t have high hopes for survival in yesterday’s “mudder training” (or whatever you want to call my “weekly workout” with the “girls”). But I donned my “‘guaranteed to be slimming’ yoga gear” (I still assert they lied), packed my bag, bought my LG Tim Horton’s tea, and headed to the church. There are worse places I could die…

I never noticed before how many exercise positions have animals names. Bear crawl, Downward Dog, Mule Kick, Crab Crunch, Flamingo …I’m sure there’s a long list. I’m still very much an “exercise virgin” unless you count activities like running for the bathroom or searching for the remote (I’m the keeper of the remote in our house)?

Somebody posted this picture on Facebook last week, and it has really helped me visualize the animal-exercise connection…

So with this fabulous image in my head (not to point out the elephant in the room), I headed to my morning session. Obviously I survived…I also thrived. Instead of skipping, I had a 2 year old darling who jumped and danced with me, “breathed” with me through the sumo squats, crawled and twisted (and growled) with me through the bear crawl…you get the picture! When you’re laughing and playing, the time passes and you don’t notice the pain (as much…at the time…). Today is another story…

p.s. I just found out from http://briannawithanaw.wordpress.com/ that Starbucks is buying Teavana, as if I wasn’t depressed enough…I need to drink myself silly with a good stiff drink…of orange blossom youthberry tea before I start running…errands. I got enough exercise yesterday! Cheers!

Burps & Burpees are not the same thing…

Tags

adventure, fitness, humour

I know burps and burpees are different, and I now know that I struggle to do either one. I live in a household of men who have the natural ability to burp (and other noxious things) at a moment’s notice. I cannot! Besides, they’ve set the bar too high. Yesterday, at Workout #2 with my ladies’ Bible study group, our instructor introduced us to 2 new “moves”…one was Burpees, and the other was planking…one is fast torture, and the other one is slow torture. The key word here: Torture!

For those who aren’t sure what burpees or planking are – let me keep it simple.

“The burpee …is a full body exercise used in strength training and as aerobic exercise. It is performed in four steps…
1. Begin in a standing position. Drop into a squat position with your hands on the ground.
2. Extend your feet back in one quick motion to assume the front plank position.
3. Return to the squat position in one quick motion.
4. Jump straight into the air as high as possible.”

There are multiple variations but when we did it, we followed the above steps but added a push-up between step 2 and 3…well, I tried to add it. Our instructor was telling me, “now do a push-up”…but all I could do was lie in the starting position and smell the carpet. It was not…pleasant. My arms were straining but nothing was happening, and I burst out laughing. We should have done burpees before she taught us planking (that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it). I managed to do some push-ups with my burpees, but it wasn’t easy!

Planking, in this case, does not refer to any carpentry venture or the fad among the younger set of lying in weird places and posting pictures on social media. I am referring to “the isometric core strength exercise that involves maintaining a difficult position for extended periods of time. The most common plank is the front plank which is held in a push-up position with the body’s weight borne on forearms, elbows, and toes.” Try it and be amazed at how quickly your entire body turns to jell-o. It gets better – in a few hours, your arms will threaten to start shaking as you hold the steering wheel at 10 & 2…

She also made us do deep knee lunges, squats, bicep curls, tricep something-or-others, and things with no names because the very thought of them will make me cry. We also learned how to roll and plank and I don’t know with a big red rubber ball…and now I have that song stuck in my head…”And I think it’s going to be all right / Yeah, the worst is over / Now the morning sun is shining / Like a red rubber ball…”

Trust me – this time I am hurting in strange places like my armpits and my elbows, but I think the worst is over. I can keep working at these things at home and next Thursday, we’re going for a run instead! I just hope it’s not up hills…

I had a sobering thought late last night…let’s just say, based on my prayer life, what if God has allowed me to start training my body for something that will require strength & endurance? What is this is more than just for health or a day in the mud? The adventure continues!

References:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burpee_(exercise)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plank_(exercise)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Rubber_Ball

Mud and Strawberries

Tags

fitness, humour, Tough Mudder

I am so excited!! I usually plan something funny or “off-the-wall” for my Friday posts, but I’m too excited. Last Friday I talked about Tough Mudder, a 10 mile obstacle course – mud, electrical wires, mud, and I talked about how I’d like to do it, but seriously, it’s way beyond my abilities! (6 years ago I could hardly walk from one room to the next)

On Sunday I mentioned it to another friend, who expressed interest but only if it was a shorter course. Today I mentioned it at my ladies’ Bible study group (our “leader” did Tough Mudder this summer) and to make a long story short, if all goes according to plan, our group starts training next week! I’m not sure if we’ll tackle Tough Mudder or something on a smaller scale, but I’m so excited (have I mentioned that already?)

It’s funny! This morning Little Guy explained to me why he kept stashing his pjs behind the bathroom door. Apparently he’s been doing that so I have to bend over to pick them up and I will get more exercise so my body doesn’t get “old and wrinkly”. Nice! He went on to tell me that I “need to get more exercise” and I “need to use Dad’s new exercise bike in the basement”. I have no idea where this idea came from…does he think I sit home all day eating bon-bons and watching television? Still, I had to laugh and I just hope I didn’t hurt his feelings.

Hours later I was still filled with boundless energy so I decided to cook a special meal, including a “Celebration Pie”. We had roast beef with mushroom gravy, potatoes and corn. For dessert, I baked a simple graham cracker crust and topped it with vanilla pudding and sliced strawberries. It looked great…it tasted great…it was a mess to slice and dish up.

I enjoyed that gooey piece of pie because it may the last I have for awhile if I’m going to be serious about getting in shape. Even if I don’t make it to the mud, I’m going to work at it any way. I’m so excited! Of course, Thursday isn’t here yet and who knows if I’ll survive our first “training session”? This could just be my last Friday post!

Tough Mudder

Tags

fitness, Tough Mudder

I can’t help it – this just looks wicked cool – and I want to do it! I’m just not sure I can.

The first time I heard about it was last Spring. One of the women in my Bible study group was talking about this obstacle course in the mud, and I thought she said “Tough Mother”. Aren’t all Moms tough? But my interest was peaked, so I looked up the website (toughmudder.com)! What is it?

“Tough Mudder events are hardcore 10-12 mile obstacle courses designed by British Special Forces to test your all around strength, stamina, mental grit, and camaraderie.”

Yes, I’m just that crazy! I was thinking about it last evening during my walk, which doesn’t begin to approach 10 miles…up hill. I have never slogged through anything deeper than a mud puddle on the road, and never face-down. I have never scaled a 12 foot wall, I hate ice-cold water, and I’m not too keen to play with electricity or fire. Realistically, even if I had a team to join (and you have to do it as a team), I seriously wonder if I’d make it past the first five minutes.

I decided to take the “Are You Tough Enough” quiz on the front page. It asked questions like: (a) Which stache do I prefer? (Hulk Hogan, Tom Selleck, Charlie Chaplin or Salvador Dali); (b) When the going gets tough, do I move like a vespa, prius, escalade or tank?; or, (c) could I live without experiences, people, stuff or sense of humour? My Mudder Readiness score was 75…Maybe Mudder. Well, at least that’s a step up from Mudder In Training…but still a long way from Certified Mudder. It still sounds wicked cool!

There are no mountains (or even hills) to scale in my neighbourhood, but there is a park nearby with a wooden fortress to scale. And I guess I could always create my own mud pit in the backyard, wait a few weeks for it to get colder outside, and invite some friends over to play in it. Of course, that’s assuming I have friends…