Red is the New Me

Tags

humour, midlife crisis

I finally took the plunge! I’m  really not a self-absorbed fluff bunny who snaps selfies every 30 seconds and plasters them all over social media…but I snapped one yesterday! I have no grand aspirations that will be shattered when Disney doesn’t call me to be the next “live action” movie princess. Nor is the quality or composition of this photo meant to be my cover shot for a horror flick. I merely wanted to show off that “Red is the New Me”!

Photo courtesy of http://photographyofgrace.com

And I’m thankful it’s red, because after the first hour of teasing, painting, sighing, and wrapping in foil, when my stylist, Hope, starting washing it out…it was fluorescent orange streaks! I looked like a pylon! Which honestly (and quite sadly), is a step up from looking like a used Q-tip the last time I took a chance on my hair!

Pylon…perhaps fashionable in a construction zone, but not exactly the look I was going for!

This is much better.

I’ve had mixed reviews so far…from “love it” to “I don’t really care for it”..but they don’t have to look in the mirror every morning. I do  – and I like what I see! So if you can’t say something nice, just grimace and nod. I can read body language, and I promise just to smile back!  After all, some middle-aged men buy red sports cars – this cost so much less!

* * *

“There is a shade of red for every woman.” – Audrey Hepburn

“Crazy Shot” Lingerie

Tags

fashion, humour, lingerie, shoes

I made the mistake a few years ago, during a low point, of telling Hubby not to bother buying me any more lingerie and I cleared out most of my drawer. I figured he’d already bought the cow and quite frankly, “the old gray mare, she ain’t what she used to be”. And then I reconsidered and added it back on my birthday/Christmas list. My drawer remains empty…(except for the black bustier I shared with the ladies of Morning Break…and one pastor. To read why, click here).

Since I had half an hour to kill before I picked Little Guy up from camp last night, I stopped in at a new lingerie store. The store name is in French, and if you remove the last 3 letters, it translates to “crazy shot”…and there was something crazy going on inside!

The first thing I noticed was the delicate scent of lavender. Next was the eye candy, shimmering pastel confections with lace and bows. Many of the items were hung on sequined hangers that sparkled like disco balls in the soft, warm light. There was even a white couch facing the dressing room, embellished with lacy and feathery pillows to provide a special someone a private viewing perch. There wasn’t a hint of skank anywhere, just elegance and class…

I gravitated (slowly so as not to be too conspicuous) to the rack on the back wall subtly marked 70% off. It was mostly soft cotton and lace pajamas. I peeked at the price of a simple navy & white striped chemise made of cotton knit….$175.00…and I struggled to not belt out “Are you freaking kidding me?” I can buy an oversized knit T-shirt at Wal-Mart for under $5. Sure, it’s not sexy but I won’t have to put a second mortgage on my house so I can sleep comfortably in the summer.

Obviously, I was not going to be making any purchases today. Slightly disappointed, but not undaunted, I moved across the aisle to the next rack, and not wanting to give the impression that my jaw was dragging on the floor in shock, I picked up a bustier with matching panties. It had solid creamy satin cups edged with pale pink ribbon rosebuds. The body of it was made with delicate, almost ethereal cream lace, and the bottom was a scalloped edge of satin. Perfection! The matching panties were also cream satin and about the size of a postage stamp. “Are you freaking kidding me?” I wanted to scream. It was $450.00. I wanted to ask if the boning came from an actual whale, slaughtered by a blonde Bunny, and deboned in the North Atlantic Sea.

I strolled nonchalantly to the front door, smiled sweetly at the lady at the counter (who thankfully was busy chatting with a buxom broad this whole time), and slipped out the door to my car, where I burst out laughing. Why was it so expensive? The satin was the same polyester blend that I find at the department store. I used to choke at their prices, finding it difficult to justify spending more than $20 on something that I sleep in (and often can’t wear in front of my family – they’ve been scarred enough). I understand that “true” lingerie (as opposed to the mass-produced ready-to-wear variety) is more expensive because they are using a higher quality of fabrics and laces. I wear expensive bras (mostly because I can’t buy my size off the rack). Thanks to gravity, bras need to be well-constructed to provide adequate support. Not only that, but the shape and contours of women’s bodies are not cookie-cutter, so companies are continually experimenting with different cuts and forms to provide support and comfort. But $450!?!? Just imagine how many pairs of fabulous shoes I could buy with that kind of cash…and I can wear them outside the boudoir! Now that’s a wise investment.

Hubby suggested the prices were high based on the location of the store. However, it’s in a strip mall…two doors to the left is a Hockey Lion store, and two doors to the right is a Convenience Store. Hmm…I’m not convinced. But I am convinced that there are women out there with way too much money and who may just be dumb enough to think that if they pay these exorbitant prices, they are collecting something valuable. Perhaps she doesn’t realize that she needs to search from within to find beauty, something far more valuable than a $300 nightgown. I believe a woman with a loving heart and a gentle spirit can look exquisite in a $20 nightgown, and if she is with the right guy, he’ll be blown away by her.

I don’t know how I went from being blow away by exorbitant prices to being blown away by that last statement. Maybe it’s a deeper truth that we all need to remember…it isn’t the price of the gown, or the fabric or label…it really is about what’s inside…and that’s not crazy!

 

Manifesto: Red Shoes

Tags

DP, DP Challenge, humour, shoes, Weekly Writing Challenge

Every women, at some point in her life, must own (and proudly wear) a pair of red shoes. I don’t care if they are stilettos or sneakers, ballet flats or strappy sandals. Why? Because “Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.” – Author Unknown

“Every woman” encompasses every age and stage. Whether she is a girl on the brink of becoming a woman, or a woman on the edge of becoming a grandmother. Whether she is falling in love, or saying farewell to an old one. Whether she is facing a new opportunity or living in mediocrity. Married or single, young or old – it’s important to feel like a woman. It’s important that she allow herself to be expressive and bold because she is worth it.

For years, I secretly coveted a pair of red high heels, but the dull side of me couldn’t justify such a purchase. Every time I passed a pair in a store window, I felt a twinge of guilt for even looking at such an impractical item. And one day I got tired of feeling guilty. My dreams are small and many will be unrealized…what was the big deal about wearing a pair of shoes in a sassy shade? Who decided I was to spend my lifetime in boring, basic black or blah brown? Only me…I bought a pair of shiny red heels. It was one of the first times I felt (dare I say it) sexy. I felt less like a country bumpkin in the big city; I felt “invincible”.  I wear them often!

I was shopping with my Mom yesterday, looking at red shoes and she casually commented that she wondered about getting a pair of red shoes too, but then what would she wear them with…and I immediately answered “everything”. I pair them with sundresses and jeans. I’ve inspired other women to step outside the box they’ve put themselves in to try some fabulous footwear. Ladies, no more excuses…

It’s time to Colour Our World. That little pop of colour can brighten any woman’s day…and make the world a little sunnier for those around her. “Color your world because the world is too simple in black and white.” –  Daniel Long

It’s time to Challenge Our World. “A shoe is not only a design, but it’s a part of your body language, the way you walk. The way you’re going to move is quite dictated by your shoes.” – Christian Louboutin When a woman feels glamorous, she is more likely to realize and to appreciate, what a beauty she is…inside and out. She will realize that it is okay to look and feel beautiful. It’s okay to stand out in a crowd. She will cease to be defined only by her job or her marital status, by the “hats” she wears in the world, and to reclaim her place as a woman in the world. She will re-discover her femininity and embrace it. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, she will find her way “home”.

It’s time to Conquer Our World. When a woman feels like she looks good, she feels good! She feels confident. She stands taller. She will stand up and speak out for others. She will stand up and speak out for herself. She is more likely to overcome her inhibitions because she realizes that just by wearing ritzy red shoes and shining in the crowd, she already has. She isn’t defined by the “box” she has put herself in, or allowed herself to be put in by others. In the words of Marilyn Monroe, “Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.”

What shade of red? “Bright reds – scarlet, pillar-box red, crimson or cherry – are very cheerful and youthful. There is certainly a red for everyone.” – Christian Dior

Did the addition of my red heels mean that I’m more willing to take risks, more willing to stand out in the crowd? Am I embracing a sassier side? Absolutely! A day is coming when I will trade in my red heels for something more comfortable and safe (since heels aren’t good for you). But that day is not today…and you can “bet your bottom dollar” that this Cinderella will wear red forever!

Wearing a Favourite: “To wear dreams on one’s feet is to begin to give reality to one’s dreams.” – Roger Vivier

To see more Weekly Writing Challenge Manifestos, click here.

*all quotes are from www.brainyquote.com

I’m In Love…

Tags

fashion, humour, shoes

I’m in love…with a pair of shiny, deep red, snakeskin “Mary Jane” pumps…on sale (30% off)…and they’re just a little. Too. Big.

It turns out that what I needed most to help soothe my weary bitter soul was the healing balm of shoe shopping! “Clothes never look any good… food just makes me fatter… shoes always fit.” (Maggie, In Her Shoes). Shoes always look good…even when they don’t fit. And these shoes looked good!

What I really wanted to find was a pair of basic black heels since mine look like they’ve been chewed by a dog…and we don’t own a dog. Instead, I started to lust after other pairs: the black pumps with gray snakeskin toes, the black and tan stilettos, the sparky blue pumps with a silver heel like a bullet…I was drawn to the shiny shoes in bubble-gum colours – I just wanted to eat them up!

I didn’t grow up with a sense of entitlement or a dying need to have the latest brand name. In fact, when buying clothing and shoes, practical and price were far more important than pretty. There was room for pretty…but it came at a price!

In the end, I did buy a pair of shoes… The sales guy kindly checked to make sure they were both the same size (obviously not Canadian sizing) and that one was left and one was right. I’m glad he checked. I may have 2 left feet when it comes to dancing, but I can’t imagine running through my day with 2 left feet. He was chatty (and cute) so I mentioned I haven’t really shoe-shopped in almost 10 years, to which he replied “sacrilege”. The shoes weren’t red, snakeskin, or even heels…they are practical and they were on sale…at 80% off the lowest price – which made them only $7.00! And every woman reading this just sent me a mental “high five”.

It felt so good, I headed to another shoe store, where I apparently entertained a fellow shopper. I didn’t realize anyone was listening in on my mindless mutterings until she burst into laughter and told me I was “delightful”. Evidently, I muttered things like “I don’t have a death wish” while examining black stilettos, “where are we? The jungle?” while stroking a pair of zebra pumps, or “I look like my mother” while admiring a pair of white heels… (my mother, by the way, has great taste!!)

I lusted after a glossy pair of gold heels but just couldn’t justify them (even at $30) but the salesgirl gets a gold star for trying. I told her I worked in a church office and they were a bit “over the top” for an old church lady. But then again, would the pastors really notice….?

“Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.” – Author: Unknown

Downtown Bra Boutique

Tags

bras, corsets, family, fashion, humour, lingerie, shopping

Petula Clark sang “When you’re alone and life is making you lonely / You can always go downtown / When you’ve got worries, all the noise and the hurry / Seems to help, I know, downtown” That’s what my Mom and I did Friday afternoon – we went downtown. Now “downtown” in this small town doesn’t consist of much, but there were a couple of new stores that we wanted to try out, and there’s safety in numbers…

One of the stores was a bra boutique. It’s easier to forget your worries when you’re surrounded by pretty things…except if you’re a girl with ample curvatures…then it can be cause for big tears.  Most of the time, those pretty pieces cater toward smaller cup sizes, and if you have an ample rack, you’re options are limited to big beige “over the shoulder-boulder-holders” with enough elastic to bridle a horse.  Some of these devices of mass restriction include padded pillows to bolster God gave you, but I don’t want to put someone’s eye out. Forget femininity and comfort – it’s all about functionality! Department stores carry the common sizes – A to D…the higher the cup size, the larger the rib cage measurement. That means for my size (sorry – not sharing), the rib cage measurement starts 6″ too big. This helps explain the endless “years of tears” until I figured that all out!

It could have been worse – I could have been shopping for what was the height of sophistication, as advertized in the 1901 Delineator magazine!

 The original push-up bra (with before and after pics)!!

“The Air Bust Form gives grace, health and style to any lady.”

Armor Side Corsets “Never Breaks Down on the Sides” 

“The latest in Parisian fashion. Only $1.00.”

Henderson Straight Front Corset

“$1.00. Sizes 18 to 26. Available in white, black, and drab.”

Royal Worchester & Bonton

“Finest in the World, Straight Front, Gored (if you sat down, something might just gore you”)”

To make a long story short (in case there are still guys reading)…there were tears…of joy! I left that store with 3 new purchases. ALL of them were pretty. NONE of them were beige! Miracles do Happen!

Big Wedding Crashers

Tags

brides, fashion, humour, photography, weddings

With weddings getting bigger…and wilder, the competition to out-do the next bride and groom growing fiercer…It was only a matter of time before the traditional wedding party photographs also took a rather large step forward!

My traditional wedding party pose (feel free to giggle…)

 No longer will the fashion and hair styles out-date wedding pics (causing squeals of laughter from younger generations), but the shots of a wedding party fleeing a wedding-crashing monster. It started with a T-Rex…and now includes photos circulating the web with Star Wars AT-AT Walkers and Sharktopus (a B-movie inspired invention), all aiming for more international “hits” and “likes”. Some would call it “a fitting commemoration in the age of social media”.

Snapshots of every major and minor celebrity in the country has become big business. And with television shows like “Rich Bride, Poor Bride”, “4 Weddings”, and “Say Yes to the Dress!” (my personal favourite) promoting “Brides’ Night”, it’s no wonder North Americans are obsessed with all things wedding! According to author Elizabeth Abbott (A History of Marriage), the original celebrity couple was Queen Victoria and Prince Albert in 1840.

Engraved by S Reynolds after F Lock [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Within weeks of their nuptials, detailed sketches appeared in magazines, starting the wedding picture trend. Couples used to pose for a single wedding photo, but now hire a crew of photographers and videographers to capture every moment of the day. The next trend is to capture those moments on Instagram. Here’s something I’d like to know – does capturing those moments include the contortions and complexities of getting a ball-gowned bride safely in and out of the loo?

References: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Wedding_of_Queen_Victoria_and_Prince_Albert.jpg

http://www2.macleans.ca/2013/07/06/who-invited-the-sharktopus/

Yes!

Tags

fashion, humour, jeans, shopping

Yes! Yes! Yes! I wanted to scream it out while experiencing a deliciously intense and delirious moment of ecstasy! Not only were my curves being hugged, but the button was done up…and I was comfortable!

I had a decision to make; one that I knew would inevitably end in tears. I seriously did not expect this decision to end in tears of joy. The dilemma: Time is running out before the end of school, so do I go shopping for jeans or bras?  I’ve lost enough weight (of course I’m bragging! I worked hard for it…well…sort of…) that my jeans and skirts do not fit! In December, I researched how to find the right style of jeans for my shape, but only found it more discouraging! In October, I wrote about the world’s heaviest jeans, but I’m no masochist (and they’re unjustifiably expensive). So I have put it off and worn jeans that ” bag and sag, and drag me down behind”. But I’m also 4 months overdue for my annual humiliation bra fitting…

Jeans it is! This time my straining efforts paid off, but not before trying on 4 different pairs of jeans (and 2 dresses that really looked better on the hangar). I was ready to walk out and cheat with Henry (O Henry), when I dared myself to try just One. More. Pair. in a size I am pretty sure I haven’t worn since the late 1980’s. I know what you are thinking…I was thinking it too…the emotional and physical strain has become too much for me. I am aiming for “a bridge too far”. This last pair could be like that bomb in the Dam Busters, hitting the mark with such force that I will explode in a torrent of uncontrollable hysteria, forcing the staff at Old Navy to call in the Funny Farm.

To make a long story short, check out the tag.

I’m either dreaming, drugged against my will or I need new glasses…does that say “2”?

Check it out again. I promise: the label on the jeans matches this tag, and the sticker tag that ran down the leg. I wore them yesterday, and I wanted to leave on the sticker tag that ran down the leg so that passers-by would notice and point it out to me. Then I could play dumb and remove it with a flourish like Vanna White!

Believe me! I am not wasting away – there’s still plenty of me left. But I’m suddenly finding myself with a renewed sense of urgency to avoid O Henry’s temptations so I can take these jeans new places! I’ll even write the date on this tag and laminate it for posterity, and put it in a place of honour…probably the fridge with the Grade 1 artwork and Hubby’s fridge magnet collection…and for the next few washes I will (internally) scream out: “Yes! Yes! Yes!” (I’m not ready for the Funny Farm just yet)!

p.s. I was tempted to post a picture of me in my new jeans, but it’s really hard to take a flattering picture of yourself! Happy Weekend!

Happy Weekend!

I Missed Girls’ Night Out

Tags

fashion, friends, girls night, humour, shopping

Since I was attending a conference last Saturday, I missed the Girls’ Night Out. Girls’ Night Out consists of shopping at thrift store (dubbed La Village), followed by a decadent dinner. Here are the rules:

1) Everyone gets their own cart. Baskets are too small!
2) Shop in an orderly procession, like a train, starting with the first row of racks. Proceed down one row and back up the next.
3) When shopping, look for items for both yourself, and for the others. Use discretion when inquiring about sizes!
4) While shopping, keep your eyes open for hideous items that would suit the personality of your other shoppers (or are just plain too outrageous to pass by). Slip them into your friends’ carts when they aren’t looking. Intimate apparel, bathing suits and pajamas are off-limits.
5) Clothes first – shoes last.
6) When it’s time to try on clothes (usually because the store will be closing soon), proceed to the dressing room in an orderly, train-like fashion.
7) If in doubt about the fit of an item, ask someone else to check you out.
8) Unless the “hideous” or costume-like outfit chosen for you by one of your friends is not totally inappropriate to be seen outside the dressing room, you must notify your friends that you are coming out, and when they are ready…come out! Alternatively, if the item is appropriate to show your friends, but not the whole store, have them congregate outside the dressing room door and peek in.

I missed out on the hideous outfits, like the brown velvet pantsuit with rust coloured ruffles, and the mini dress that was mistaken for a top. The mini dress was given to a friend who was visiting…on my first trip, someone gave me a black lace, strapless mini dress to show off. Mini dresses are some sort of initiation – now I see how it is… At least I wasn’t asked to model a Ralph Lauren 1980’s patchwork quilt sweater or a red felt shift dress dubbed the “Mrs. Claus”!

I asked the girls to keep their eyes open for a sexy red dress in my size…my reasons are my own! During the church service Sunday morning, one of the gals caught my eye, held up a plastic bag and mouthed “for you”! It’s silky, and short…and pretty much backless…and cost less than $10! More on that…perhaps…another time!

Christie Brinkley & Me: Plus Sizes?

Tags

bathing suit, fashion, H&M, humour, models

By “industry standard”, I am a “plus size” girl – even though I’m currently wearing size 6?  OK, I’m not exactly a giant among women at 5′ 1.5 but that seems a little crazy to me (and I was so excited to “shrink” back to a 6)! By today’s runway standards, supermodels Cindy Crawford and Christie Brinkley, would also be considered “plus-size”! According to studies, the average dress size for North American girls is size 12…while models are size 00 and shrinking! Are you confused or am I the only one who suddenly feels like an imaginary carpet has just been tugged out from underneath my feet, and I’ve fallen on my (suddenly) very large bottom?

Imagine my excitement, and then my dismay, when I discovered that a fabulous photo shared repeatedly on Facebook last week, was a hoax!

H&M received a lot of attention for a photo of a full-figured mannequin in purple lingerie (rumored to be in Sweden). Women world-wide were applauding the more realistic shape and size of the mannequin, only to discover that H&M never has and currently does not have any immediate intention of using a voluptuous mannequin in any of the 44 countries in which it operates. Nor, does it seem, do most retailers.

Mannequins only joined the fashion industry during the Industrial Revolution (early 1800s) to display the latest fashion trends. Body proportions, not just fashion trends, changed throughout the ’30s to reflect society, and only in the ’60s, were mannequins fashioned to also reflect pop culture and fashion icons. In more recent years, stick thin mannequins (male and female) have been garnering a lot of negative attention. For example, in 2007, British Health officials demanded London’s High Street stop using stick thin models in an effort to embrace the range and shape of British women. In fact, Displaysense, a mannequin wholesaler in the U.K. recently reported an increase in sales of mannequins above size 12.

Based on the popularity of the photo and the overwhelmingly enthusiastic responses to it, when will retailers take the hint? A recent study in the Journal of Consumer Research shows that overweight women’s self esteem “crashes and burns” when facing models of any size (underweight women’s self-esteem increases), so there is no easy answer. But as long as mannequins are influencing people to buy fashion, reflecting real-life, healthy bodies is a step in the right direction.

Check out Brittany Gibbons, who decided to metaphorically climb a mountain and not only track down the perfect bikini for her body, but to show the world that “big girls” can be bold and beautiful!

It might even inspire me? We’ll see…that’s a pretty big mountain!

Other resources:

Curvy-H-M-Sweden-mannequin-an-online-hoax

Swedish-mannequins-cause-a-controversy

Model-sizes-are-shrinking

New “Hooker” boots

Tags

boots, cartoon, fashion, humour, shoes, shopping

As I mentioned before, I have been on the lookout for a new pair of “hooker boots”…my nickname for a great pair of stilettos, since I sadly said good-bye to my last pair. Not only did I find one great pair of boots at a thrift store, I found two…and I bought them both! What else is a girl to do when she wears out one pair of boots? So  now I have the hot ($10) boots:

And the extra hot ($12) boots:

I just have one question: