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Dear Diary – Who says New Years resolutions begin at midnight on Day 1? Like so many other idiots dreamers, I also planned to lose weight, get more exercise, eat better, etc. Instead, this lactose intolerant gal started the year with hot tea, cold wine, cheese, and chocolate. It was an auspicious beginning.

As for exercise, I forgot my only Fitbit charger at my folks so there’s even less incentive…

And the battery is dying.

I nearly didn’t make it to midnight, having stayed up way past my bedtime the night before watching Alien, with my boys. Nothing says “sweet dreams” like suspense and blood-thirsty monsters right before bed!

We had our traditional pizza and game, but at Auntie M’s, since she wasn’t anxious to wipeout on the ice again. We were home by 11 for the annual family photo, more snacks, and the chinking of glasses at midnight. Also the “thunk” of J’s (aka Big Guy) chocolate orange against the doorframe. With his girlfriend losing her Dad to covid, and her Mom only just home from hospital, they thought it best to postpone celebrating for a few weeks. J went home on January 2 – we managed to finish our Harry Potter marathon just in time!

Hubby, however, started the year in quarantine. He went home on Boxing Day, and delivered gifts to his brother’s house. I suggested he drop them outside but he didn’t listen. His brother called two days later to say he tested positive. We stayed the extra week, and Hubby’s precautions meant he tested negative.

Staying longer turned out to be a good thing for two reasons. One, I easily booked and got my covid booster shot (when my Mommy could take care of me). Second, Hubby was fighting with the phone company.

We lose our phone and internet every time it gets damp…so every spring, winter, and Fall. They were booked for Jan. 2 but no one showed. Hubby got a text on Jan 3 that the “tech is on his way” so he tore home from work. No one showed and Monday night he got a text that it was fixed. It was not! On Jan 4, he called and the system said the ticket was closed. He booked another appointment for Jan 6, but remembered, immediately after hanging up, that he was getting his covid booster that day. He re-booked for Jan 7. On Jan 6, a tech showed up and “fixed it”. The tech found an unmarked box around the corner that was hanging wide open, with all the wires exposed and corroding. We’re now holding our breath….

On Jan 8, M. and I packed our things and made the sad trek home to dirty laundry, dust, and distant memories of Christmas.

Dear Diary – My new bra arrived and it’s more like body armour. It’s white, with hooks in the back, a zipper in the front, and criss-cross straps. It kinda’ reminds me of Austin Power’s bikini top, but less feminine (and disturbing)…

Almost as disturbing as Hubby playing with the packaging.

My first mistake was adjusting the straps and then trying to put it on like a regular bra. I nearly smothered. The straps were too short; the massive cups glued to my face. Next, I put the straps back where they started and put it on like a vest. I nearly threw out my back wrestling the criss-cross straps. Finally, I tried zipping up the front, but I couldn’t see if the zipper was in the notch. All I could see was the white pillowy mounds of my sizeable “melons”. On the plus side, once it’s on, I could go jogging and not worry about putting an eye out.

I purchased this garment on the internet at half the cost of what I normally pay for a bra. But I think the money I saved will probably go toward the chocolate I will eat when my self-esteem sinks as low as my knockers.

Dear Diary – I went for a bone scan this week and I felt like I was in a 3D printer. It’s a device that would certainly make it easier for the body snatchers to duplicate people, though some of us would require more filament to do so!

When I called, I was asked if I could come in an hour. They had a cancellation. So I hit the showers and ran out the door. But when I got there, I wasn’t scheduled. I stood patiently while the receptionist clicked a lot on her keyboard (probably messaging her friend about this loser who showed up thinking she got a last-minute appointment), then made a phone call in hushed tones. I offered to book another time and come again, but she said not to worry. So I tried not to worry, as various people wandered in and out of the waiting room. At least one of them had not hit the showers first.

I was told to take a seat – it wouldn’t be long. And for once, it was true. I was in and out in less than half an hour from my original appointment time. As a bonus, I came home to a hot lunch made by M. Mmm…kraft dinner!

Dear Diary – Should I write a song about my sewing machine? Then I could say I’m a singer songwriter, or sew it seams…

I recently wrote a song based on the list of Top 10 Phrases to Banish in 2022:

At the end of the day“ is a phrase that’s getting old
“That being said“ is simply no longer gold (wait, what?)
Social distance, remote learning, ‘Hey buddy, are you vaxxed?’
“I made stuff” just needs to be axed.

”Circle back” and “dive deep” both need to end
I don’t know what they mean, just ”asking for a friend”
(”Don’t be such a Karen!)
“Contact tracing” and “zooming”, ‘Hey Dude, you’re on mute”
“T.P. Crisis”, “supply chain”, “ no worries” is a beaut!

When does the “ new normal” cease to be “new”
It’s been almost 2 years since covid first sailed thru
(“We’re in this together”)
“Now more than ever”, I think we all agree
There’ll be a much longer list by 2023!