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Dear Diary -Guess who got a lot done today? Not me, but congratulations to someone!

I wake up every day planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “hahaha good one!” and we laugh and laugh, and take a nap!

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Dear Diary – An ad for movies on the W channel came on the other night, you know the kind: sappy, romantic drivel. Some guy embraced a pretty blonde, and stared into her baby blues: “I want to spend the rest of my life being spontaneous with you”. I couldn’t help it. I started making gagging noises and apologizing. “Sorry, ” I said, “my chips are just backing up…spontaneously”.

Dear Diary – Since we were already in the store and my sandals’ soles are surviving by a thread, I went shoe shopping. I saw Saturday Night Fever heels that rivalled John Travolta and gladiator sandals with more braids than Daenerys Targaryen’s hair. I think I’ll stick to my sagging sandals until the next season. I prefer to be barefoot anyway!

Dear Diary – I keep forgetting that I can’t just blurt things out on the phone because without context, these random points in the conversation can easily be misconstrued. For example:

Hubby: what are you up to?
Me: Waiting for my eggs to warm up.
Hubby: I thought you told me we pasat having babies. Is there something I should know?

No honey, my uterus is an empty, dry husk and there won’t be any more babies. Unless we happen to get guinea pigs and the vendor gets it wrong…

Dear Diary – After spending a week with my parents, I can say with certainty, the apple doesn’t fall from the tree. While the inevitable disasters of everything I touch come with greater frequentcy than my Mom, I can certainly see from where I get it. I’m not telling tales, but a few things happened that made me smile discreetly when her back was turned. It was safer that way! 😉

Dear Diary – My brother called Mom for her birthday from his cell. He’s camping! Lg and I were really tempted but pick up the other phone and start heavy breathing. It was that or shout “ hey hoser”, giggle and run away.

For Mom’s birthday, I baked a Torta al limone dei 12 Cucchiai (Lemon cake of 12 spoons). Since I’m approaching 1,000 consecutive days on my Italian lessons, I was excited to try this Italian recipe. Plus it looked easy! The original recipe used 12 TBSPs of every ingredient but it was modified to reduce the amount of sugar and that’s a good thing for bathing beauties. I think the biggest challenge for this cake was trying to figure out how to put together the bundt pan. While the cake didn’t rise very much, despite beating my eggs on low for over 5 minutes as recommended, it was light, airy and very delicious. A perfect dessert after our Chinese supper.

Enjoy yourself; it’s later than you think.

Chinese proverb

Dear Diary – I recently read a Facebook post that said I shouldn’t say people are refusing to get the covid vaccination because “refusing” is a “manipulative word”. We should say “choosing not to” instead. I understand what they’re trying to say, but I confess, I felt like replying something like, maybe you should choose to not wear a helmet when you ride your motorcycle or a seat belt in the car, or choose to ignore the safety warnings on your appliances, like don’t use your toaster in the bathtub. But I spurned the impulse and abstained from saying anything. Still, obviously someone felt the need to make toast during their bubble bath, which is why such a warning exists. Let’s chalk it all up to natural selection. I think I’ll go make some toast and then dig it out with a fork.

Dear Diary – I’m still trying to figure out what to do for the rest of my life. In the meantime, I bought more fabric and I’m trying some new patterns. If I don’t break my mother’s uncooperative sewing machine, I may have some nifty “product” to take up residence in my closet. I think I’ve spent more time this week ripping out seams than I have sewing them in.

Superheroes wear masks to hide their identity. If we have to wear masks, why not show off yours?

Dear Diary – I’ve definitely instilled a quirky sense of humour in my boys. The other night we played a game of Scattergories, with Little Guy. Each round, we list words that start with whatever letter was rolled, according to a card of categories. The trick is to come up with words that no one else has written. Little Guy came out with a couple of loo-loos. Under “Things Found in a Park”, he wrote, “Crystal Meth”. He’s not wrong! Then under”Things to Keep Hidden”, he wrote “Hooker”. He’s not wrong again, but I’m wondering if I should worry about that boy. Little Guy also thought alimony was a leisure activity. Auntie M piped up, “ that might fit better under “Allergies”!

Dear Diary – While I’m still enjoying the sunshine, the sundresses and the slow schedules, I’m getting sick of the heat. And I’m not talking about the weather. But I’m slowly learning how to balance the raging inferno of my dying youth: ice-cream sundaes chased by hot tea!

Summer is proof that Mother Nature is menopausal.

John Wagner, Maxine