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Dear Diary – Call me Gladys Kravitz. Just like the nosey neighbour in Bewitched, I keep an eye on my neighbours. I see your deliveries. I see your unauthorized gatherings. This week, I called Fire Prevention Services, twice. (They also hung up on me, twice). You can’t burn leaves (or even have a campfire) within town limits without a permit. I have overlooked little campfires, but when the plume of thick, black smoke rises 20ft in the air, covering the neighbourhood like a blanket, and it looks like your whole house is on fire, I’m callin’ it! The fire department has to catch you in the act and when I squealed called about the second neighbour, they sent a truck. Love those red trucks! So, yeah. I’m that neighbour…

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Dear Diary – I have continued with physio torture therapy on a weekly basis. I had no idea that an elastic band could become a feared instrument of torture, or that my posture would threaten the friendly relationship I’m trying to maintain with my torturer therapist. Yesterday she gave me a deep massage by grinding my spine with her elbow! I feel like I’ve been in a car wreck. But on the plus side, I probably won’t have to shave my head because I can put my hair in a ponytail again. I’m still working on putting on my bra like a normal person. Little Guy, who has always been extremely flexible and boasts several double joints, continues to taunt me whenever he sees me doing my exercises. He can pop things that I didn’t know could pop. His body sounds like a haunted house, with creaky doors, squeaky floors and weird thumps in the night. It’s scary!

Dear Diary – While churches remain limited to 10 people on a Sunday morning, our church has elected to livestream services rather than use recordings. While I’m sorry the scheduled musician wasn’t feeling well, I was excited to be asked to join in. On Sunday morning, I put on a dress and high heels, fixed my hair and put on make-up. It felt SO good. I haven’t attended a church service since March 2020! We spread out on the platform and only removed our masks to sing. Which was a challenge for me. I had 2 in-ear monitors and a mic that hooks over one ear, all of which had to be attached under the elastics of my facemask. And every time I removed the facemask, inevitably something would fall off. I never did get the in-ear monitors to stay for the last song. Still, it was wonderful to sing and play in a group again, and most of all, to lift my voice to the Lord (and not worry about who I was irritating in the house).

Dear Diary – I ordered stuff for Hubby for Father’s Day, and after it arrived I realized I probably could have shopped for me too. Missed opportunity!

Dear Diary – Facebook shared another memory this week from Hubby. He wrote: “Here’s a picture of Jenn going up hill. She said that it was so easy for her. Hmmmm!”

It was the one time he took me mountain biking. Downhill wasn’t a problem, but that bridge nearly killed me. Don’t worry – I found the shoe I lost, and a tree broke my fall. Good times!

I haven’t been on my bike since.

Dear Diary – I was really excited to share one of my latest songs with my Intro to Comedy Writing class Tuesday night. I even worked up the nerve to sing it. It didn’t get rave reviews. Maybe I need to ham it up more? Or maybe you have to be a gamer to get it?

I’m A Gamer

verse 1
I can’t shoot stupid people, but in a virtual world
I can get lots of satisfaction
I get to be the hero, I am never a zero
I’m a gamer and I rule that world

chorus:
I’m a gamer, I’m a gamer
I’m a gamer, and I rule that world

verse2

In the real world I am no one, but in a virtual world
I’m a fighter with lots of passion
I am strong and fierce and sexy, don’t ever mess with me
I’m a gamer and I rule that world

bridge:
I can be a spartan like masterchief
A battle angel bringing both mercy and grief
Laura Croft, or a grand car thief
A master builder, an Olympic athlete

verse 3
My children ignore me but in a virtual world
They have reason to fear me plenty
They no longer think I’m lame
I wish the real world was the same
I’m a gamer and I rule that world

Final Chorus:

I’m a gamer, I’m a gamer,
I’m a gamer and I rule that world
I’m the Queen in that world
I wish it was the real world

Dear Diary – Our house is being patrolled. On Monday, I noticed a large bumblebee hovering over our back porch stairs. I wondered if it was admiring our lilac tree, which is in full bloom, just as much as I was. Or maybe, he was meeting someone he met online. Or he was blind and he could smell the lilacs but a misguided sense of direction kept him from them. Whatever the reason, I watched him for a while and discovered there was a flight pattern, and he was chasing anything with wings.

I don’t have wings, but I didn’t know if he’d chase me. I wanted to plant the herb seeds I ordered. Maybe he’d go away after awhile?

This may be the closest I get to an herb garden.

Hours later, he was still flying his beat. I tried simulating rain with the hose, but he’d just fly out of range of the water and hover, confused. I went on with planting, careful to avoid him as much as possible. He only bounced off my forehead once.

I looked it up. Our bumblebee is a carpenter bee and he’s guarding a nest. Carpenter bees burrow into wood and lay eggs. The female will feed the babies while the males patrol. Though aggressive, he has no stinger, but he can still “bee” annoying for most of the summer!

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you.

The Police, Every Breath You Take