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Dear Diary – My phone alarm saved me. I’ve been reluctant to use it. And then I was annoyed by it when I couldn’t make it stop chirping. This morning, I was writing to you when it chirped. I had a chiro appointment in 15 minutes. I wasn’t dressed. I hadn’t showered. I hadn’t brushed my teeth. My hair looked like a bird was nesting in it. In 5 minutes, I was out the door. I was dressed and masked, and still sporting a bird’s nest but I made it in time.

My chiropractor is awesome. She’s a very understanding woman, willing to overlook my leggings and hair. I love her.

We all need people in our life who will pick us up when we fall, after they stop laughing.

Dear Diary – Groceries continue to be an arduous undertaking. This week, the website had odd pricing on2 items I normally purchase. For example, the store brand club pack of chicken thighs was listed at $8.80/kg, but the estimated total cost was $92. Drumsticks weren’t much better at $79. Those must be Sumo-sized chickens, or they’re plated in gold.

So I called the main customer service line, but the operator had no idea. Shocking! She transferred me to another department. That operator agreed they must be extraordinary chickens! She promised to get answers and call me back. Sure, they probably weigh the package and charge accordingly, but with my luck, I’ll be overcharged and spend the next 6 weeks fighting for reimbursement. I’d rather make the call now!

She did call back. It was an error. It couldn’t be fixed. I should place my order and check my bill at pick up time. The whole point up picking up is so I don’t have to get out of the car. Especially in the rain. Which it was… Instead, I cooked a family-sized roast of beef, which we’ve been eating now for 4 days. I think it will last another 4.

Still, I’m thankful for groceries.

Be thankful for what you have. Your life, no matter how bad you think it is, is someone else’s fairtytale.

Wale Ayeni

Dear Diary – I plugged my video game headset in this moring to charge. I wish they had chargers for people too.

On Sunday, Mother’s Day, I was shot at High Noon. Or close to noon – they were running late. The experience was relatively painless. My only frustration was the couples and groups moving through together, after being clearly told to come “alone”. I will never cease to be amazed by stupid people.

But I got my shot! And while lockdown life continues, it feels like a giant leap forward.

The rest of Mother’s Day was lovely. Hubby made waffles for breakfast and I was showered with a few gifts: an ipad cover (because I’m clutzy), pink icing bags (because I still hope to master the craft), a digital thermometer (so I can make brittle without burning…), and some other craft supplies for tie-dying fabric (because I will never cease to play). Supper was frozen pizza and chocolate turds stumps “logs”. I tried to make Prue Leith’s mini chocolate swiss rolls, but the cake was so thin and airy, it was nearly impossible to roll without it all sticking to my fingers. And the chocolate didn’t want to stick to the cake.

Sprinkles covers a multitude of sins

By the end of the day and for most of Monday, I was really tired and slightly lightheaded. I managed to do the essentials: hang out laundry, wash dishes, and cook dinner. I tried to nap, but it started raining on my clothes. I tried reading, but I couldn’t focus on the words. The only other option was to waste time mining ore in Minecraft. It was grand!

By Tuesday, I was back to my normal amount of tired and sore, and I had to hype myself up for my Intro to comedy course.

Those who can laugh at themselves will never cease to be amused.

Dear Diary – I just looked at my grocery bill. I’m missing meat for 2 meals, but my pork tenderloin only cost $0.56 and my 6 loaves of bread cost $2.19. Rarely are mistakes made, in my favour.

Dear Diary – We tackled song writing again in my Intro to Comedy course. We started with writing a parody of an existing song. Mine were:

Before
Time After Time
When Doves Cry
You Make My Dreams Come True
Looking for Comets

This One Goes Out to the One I Love

After
Mime After Mime
When Doves Poop
You Make My Nightmares Come True
Watching for Vomit (have you ever had a pet barf in the night? The terror is real, people)
This One Goes Out to My One-Eyed Love

I have to credit Hubby for ” This One Goes Out to My One-Eyed Love”.

I’m in the midst of writing 3 songs (or poems). One is about being a gamer. Another is inspired by Big Guy, who had a date set up to meet a girl he’d be wooing online…the week lockdowns began. Dating in person during covid (and Canadian winter) was a challenge!

This song is also a work in progress:

verse 1:

The morning started slowly; there was coffee on the stove
The sun was shining brightly, a thing of beauty to behold!
And then I heard a door creak, silence filled the room
A dark creature came forth, a spectre of doom

verse 2:

The figure stumbled toward me. It gave me quite a scare
Its face was white and pasty surrounded by wild hair
Its lips twisted downward. Was it a grimace or a smile?
I knew I’d get an answer if I stayed still awhile.

Chorus:

It was my teeeeen, from the batcave
Awake for his day school.
It was my teeeen from the batcave
I dare not flinch, I am no fool!

Like Stephen King, I scared myself and had to put this away until I could face my fear and start to write again…

Dear Diary – Occasionally I’ll catch a post on FaceBook from my home town. It’s a small, farming community. Little Guy has grown up where every other vehicle is a mercedes or a BMW. I grew up where every other vehicle was a beat-up pick up truck with a broken tail light. Traffic jams were 4 cars stuck behind a tractor. On May 10th around 6 p.m., the police responded to call about a criminal at large, or rather, a large criminal, terrorizing downtown. Actually it was an unmasked brown cow moseying down the street, window-shopping. She’d grown tired of lockdown restrictions and escaped her trailer by kicking down the door. Police corralled her into a new trailer and moo-ved her on. Sometimes I miss the excitement of small town life!

If nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen, you don’t live in a small town.

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