This is the City. A lot of people live here. A lot of Squirrels live here. In this city’s war on gang crime, the worst case offenders are pursued by an elite task force, the SGU:
I’m your host, No.1, former mimbo to the notorious supervillain, Chloe the Cavy.
As part of my rehabilitation (and because of my boyish good looks…)
…it is my job, nay my duty, nay my…what? Ahem. The Scuirine Gang Unit needs your help!
On or about May 26, 2016, Citizen J was slaving in her hot kitchen, baking for a charity bake sale. Finding her kitchen counters covered with cookies, good Citizen J left a pan of gooey chocolate brownies on her back porch to cool. When she returned a few minutes later, what she discovered was a brutal crime scene. More than half of the pan’s contents were missing. Globules of glistening chocolate lay congealing on the bare boards. The crime scene photos are so distrubing, we cannot show them On Air.
What savage beast could have reaped such distruction? No paw prints were left at the scene of the crime. But, the very next day, and for several days thereafter, THIS squirrel was seen begging near the scene of the crime, taunting poor, good Citizen J.
This squirrel is believed to be none other than the leader of a ruthless squirrel gang, Red’s. She is simply known as Madam X!
Madame X moved into the neighbourhood in the Spring of 2016, and quickly dominated all the other squirrels on the street. While she is a foxy red squirrel, her love for all things sweet consequently plays hav havoc her weight. Over the last two years, she has expanded her family by birthing two litters of kits.
Following this incident, Citizen J didn’t comply with Madam X’s advances and provide more brownies, so a series of nonsensical attacks ensued. These included, but were not limited to digging up tulip blossoms, leaving half eaten apples on the doorstep, destroying a makeshift clothes line, eating a chair cushion, and petty larceny.
Also public drunkenness…
The most disturbing crime, according to the victim, was the loss of a pair of brand new, never worn, white panties. The panties in question had been drying on the railing. “It wasn’t the loss of the panties that upsets me”, said Citizen J, “but the invasion of privacy. I shudder to think what those squirrels are using them for now”.
Other personal articles of clothing were nearly victims of Madame X’s voracious appetite for chaos.
Madame X does not always act alone. Some of her other known associates are:
Big Boy is the brawn, While a North American gray squirrel, he is far from “common”. Big Boy is the size of a small cat, and regularly licks himself in public!
Once sleek and shiny, Sly’s shifty eyes and mangy coat are a tell-tale sign of a squirrel with a serious nut addiction. Hard to believe gambling man, Sly, was once quite a ladies’ man.
Fearless Franco, is a highwire artist. He prefers to move from lair to lair, house to house, using a network of wires and tree branches. Franco was caught once trying to tunnel into a house through a window. Brain damage from a fall is suspected, or perhaps he was just caught in an mis-guided panty raid. We’ll never know.
Madame X’s grip on the neighbourhood contines to grow. More secret lairs have been spotted on or near Citizen J’s property.
Most recently, Citizen J. was forced to take legal action to evict Madame X and her two newest members, from a secret lair they had set up inside Citizen J’s back porch. In addition to the noise complaints and destruction of property, Citizen J’s back porch became the playground for the Red’s.
Citizen J continues to live in fear of retribution.
If you have any information about Madame X and her gang, we implore you to call the SGU at 1-800-squ-rrel!
Next week, we meet Rasputin, drug lord of the Nap-Riv community!
I’m your host, No.1. Good night!