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“I’m tired. I’m distracted. I’m disappointed in myself. I feel slightly used and more than slightly used up. I’m a little overwhelmed and a lot worn down” – Lysa Terkeurst.

“I want more.

I’m not a quitter, but I’m just not sure what to do next. What do I keep? What do I relinquish? What gives me pleasure? What gives God pleasure? I’m not afraid to work hard, to sacrifice much, to push through boundaries. But I often feel like I have nothing left to give. I want more than this. I want joy. I want purpose. I want unbroken companionship with my Father.

I’ve heard well-meaning people spout how Jesus can change us. He can, I confidently believe He can! But these well-meaning people ignore our part in it. Our desire to be changed; our willingness to seek it. Instead , we allow a culture of fear and blame, regret and shame dictate our actions. Or inaction. We view a holding pattern as faithfulness, when it’s faithlessness. I feel pressured to “hold the fort” or “tow the party line”, but it feel just as meaningless as those cliches. I want more. I want to step out in faith. I want to take risks, even if the risk means getting hurt. I want to be truly transformed into the image of Christ.

But what is my part in this?

It was easier to find peace on vacation. I can see why authors often seclude themselves away. It’s easier to wrestle with deep questions on the edge of a dock, than at the dining table at home. Out there, I had no telephones jarring me from my revelry. There were no worries about how my house looked should an unexpected guest arrive on the doorstep. Our needs were small; our meals were simple. It’s harder to reclaim that sense of peace when I’m likely to be interrupted by someone who can’t find the t.p. or who wants to know at what time they expect food to be ready so they can fill their pie-holes. At home and work, the lists are longer, the expectations higher, the deadlines shorter and I’m expected to do it all with a smile on my face. Life strips any sense of significance and joy….but only if I let it.”

“The lives we live determine how we live our souls.” – Lysa Terkeurst

***

I wrote these words last Summer as I sat reading the book, “The Best Yes” and pondering  how it related to me. A book, I should mention, that I have yet to finish. And while I certainly feel more peaceful than I did then, I can still sense the same heartache, or hunger, just below the surface.

I began this year excited to have a “word”, a verb to make my own: Focus. But I find I’m still struggling to focus on anything. My to-do lists are endless. I feel like I am always looking ahead to what has to be done in order to get through the next day, the focus on surviving to the weekend when I can steal a day at home. But weekends become days to catch up on what didn’t get done, and to compile a whole new list of tasks. I’m too tired to enjoy what little down time I have. I’m pretty sure most of you are nodding your head in agreement right now?

It’s not supposed to be this way.

I know I’m an adult; adults have responsibilities. But it wasn’t that much easier when I was younger, and I’ve never struggled so much with focus before. I started saving for a trip to Europe when I was 8. In high school, I quit figure skating so I could focus on my studies and get into university. Life took a detour, so I went to college instead. Twice. I focused on high grades so I could get a good job and support my son. I focused on being a good mom and a loving wife (I still do). So where do I go from here?

***

I’ve wrestled with these thoughts for weeks now, hoping that by writing it out, I would discover and seize upon a tangible path. Maybe I even secretly hoped I would have a brilliant, positive, inspiring conclusion, just like a one hour drama on tv. If only it were that simple. Instead, I’m just going to continue to focus on finding joy in the “opera of the every day”, and see what the future brings. And maybe focus on finishing that book!!

Never despise the mundane. Embrace it. Unwrap it like gift. And be one of the rare few who looks deeper than just the surface. See something in the every day.
– Lysa Terkeurst

Have a happy weekend!