Sometimes the spirit is more than willing, but the flesh just can’t keep up. It’s amazing to think that only 5 years ago, I ran in Mud Hero. Now I’m hobbling around like a 90 year old wondering if my best years are behind me. All because I wanted to paint my bathroom. And now, like most home projects, what should have taken a few hours or a day or two, will likely stretch into weeks. I can blame some of the delay on holidays, of which I am taking all of next week. Perhaps even from blogging. The best part of a holiday is having very few plans, and I’m planning on just that. No plans, no deadlines, and if at all possible, no cooking. We’ll see. But I digress.
Since when did painting a bathroom become such a big deal! It’s a small room, and half the walls are covered in “vintage” salmon and seafoam green tile? People paint and redecorate whole rooms on TV in an hour. It should be simple.
Step 1: Convince family to leave me home alone for a couple of days.
Step 2: Buy a new paint scraper (because it’s buried in the basement that time forgot).
Step 3: Hunt everywhere for missing step ladder. (Please don’t ask me how I misplaced a stepladder).
Step 4: Convince oldest son to carry it upstairs.
Step 5: Buy paint. Take a friend to help me decide on which shade of white to buy from a sampler of 50 whites.
Step 6: Wrestle with stepladder for 20 minutes. Take a break to cool off. Literally. It’s nearly 40C outside with humidity so you can imagine what it’s like in the bathroom.
Step 6: Make multiple trips up 2 flights of stairs to bring up things like drop cloths, paint trays, brushes, rollers and sneakers. Rest.
Note to self: Don’t set up the ladder straddling the toilet. It makes straddling a toilet while sitting under a ladder straddling the toilet at 3 a.m. incredibly difficult.
Step 7: Arrange and rearrange drop cloths (that will repeatedly slide on porcelain surfaces). Once reached peak frustration level, toss from the bathroom.
Step 8: Remove extra large, extra heavy mirror sheet from wall. Apparently, slide it to the right so you don’t run into the wall and get stuck standing there trying to “convince” the right-hand corners to slip back into the brackets so you can remove said extra large, extra heavy sheet of glass. Apparently, also do not rest edge of said glass on chrome soap dish in order to get a better grip, as said chrome soap dish will snap in half. Shuffle into adjacent bedroom and deposit on bed.
Step 9: Gape with horror at large, horribly repaired hole in wall, hidden by the extra large, extra heavy mirror. The hole was repaired with a sheet of styrofoam, grossly plastered around the edges to make it stay. Text photo to girlfriend, who immediately replies, “who’s behind it”? Like I’m going to go looking!?!
Step 10: Pick a corner. Wash the wall. (Because wiping with the Swiffer was a waste of precious time).
Step 11: Pour paint in tray. Immediately dribble on the uncovered floor.
Step 12: Pick a corner and start edging with a brush. For hours. While sweating profusely because a) it’s hot; and b) the room is too small to accommodate the paint tray so it has to sit on the floor, thereby causing me to climb up two steps every 15 seconds. Be creative – use my surroundings for balance (e.g., window sill, edge of tub, etc.) Ignore giant hole and increasing ache in back and start rolling a small section of the wall, until I reach the decision that if I don’t quit soon, my family will find me hugging the ladder and sobbing, because my back deserted me and I couldn’t get down.
Step 13: Abandon the ladder. Crawl downstairs and clean as best as I can. Take a back pill and spend afternoon on couch binge watching Call the Midwife, feeling sorry for myself.
Every time we use the facilities, we stop and stare at the giant hole and wonder what to do about it.
The bathroom is half finished…and it will need a second coat. The ladder and mirror are still in Hubby’s room. The soap dish is still broken. So is my spirit. In a matter of 5 years, I feel like I’ve gone from Hero to Zero. Full stop.
On the positive side, the rest of me is healing. I can put my own sandals on. Which is good, considering I’m going on holiday. Near a beach!