Alarm clocks, I’ve felt, were nothing more than a plague rained down by an evil force , possibly Lucifer himself. – Bart Hopkins

One Sunday morning, I started singing “Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)” to Hubby (we had watched Deadpool the night before). Hubby retorted (with a chuckle) “Nope! You’re no angel in the morning!”

He’s right. I’m not a morning person. I’m not the kind of person that will bite your head off for breathing too loudly before I’ve had my first caffeine shot of the day. But I am the kind of person who sets the alarm early enough that I can hit the snooze bar multiple times. If you speak to me, I might reply in incomprehensible groans. My fuse is short and if you push me, I’ll push back, usually with non-verbal facial expressions that will melt the flesh from your bones. I prefer quiet ambiance – low light, no noise, and lots of open space around me. I prefer to shuffle slowly into the day and let the cobwebs clear on their own. Don’t poke the Mama bear.

Which meant when we had one car, and I wanted it on my day off, I had to drive Hubby to work…really early. For me, it was torture! He would crack jokes and poke fun, and just generally delight in being silly…for the whole hour+ trip. The fact that we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary last year is a testiment to the power of God…to prevent me from committing justifiable spousicide in that tiny, confined space as the sun rose on the horizon…but I digress…

Understanding does not cure evil, but it is a definite help, inasmuch as one can cope with a comprehensible darkness. – Carl Jung

This would be torture too – a new app for Android & iOS appropriately called “I can’t wake up”. Waking up with a mild heart attack isn’t enough anymore for those in a serious relationship with their bed. The settings for it depend on the how great a masochist you are.  For example, set the alarm to play gentle music while you solve simple puzzles – move too slowly and the music gets louder. Puzzles have difficulty levels or opt for math problems. Not severe enough – set a bar code that you have to retrieve from another room in your home to punch in.

Still hitting the snooze bar? Set it to play your least favourite play list. Who wouldn’t want to wake up to “I’ve Got You Babe” day after day (in Groundhog Day fashion).


Courtesy of giphy.com

And finally, if you’re truly someone who needs an apocalyptic wake-up call, you can set it to lock you out of your phone until you finish the puzzles in the advanced settings. Set it to check for alarms before rebooting your phone so you can’t cheat!

Warning: By clicking here you can see it in action!

I may not be an “angel of the morning”, but I could never sell my soul to this “comprehensible darkness”. Alarm clocks are evil.