, ,

Dear Squirrel…

I can forgive you for digging up my flowers on the front porch. The soil is soft and winter is coming. You are doing what you were created to do this time of year. I can also forgive you for leaving your half-eaten apple cores on the back porch. You aren’t the only one who sometimes struggles to clean up after yourself. There’s no point in denying it-I have photographic evidence.


I can even forgive you for your loud and cranky chatter every time I step out my door. I’m feeling kinda cranky too. The end of summer does that to me. But there are a couple things that I am struggling to understand.

First, with all the free good eats in my yard, why did you feel the need to chew a hole in the cushion of my chair? I have only sat in it twice this season and never with my camera. There are no blackmail photos to worry about. Furthermore, the bits of foam you pulled out have made quite a mess and I don’t appreciate it.

Second, and what I find particularly bizarre…was the panty raid. When I laid out the socks and panties along the railing of my back porch, I was running late for work/school. I thought I could save time by not hanging them. What could you possibly want with a pair of white, satiny pair of granny panties? And why that one pair? Why not the sexy black ones, or the pair with blue stripes? Was it because the white ones looked brand new? Because they weren’t! I wore them once. Did you bury them? Are they hidden in the hole in my chair cushion? Are you sending me a message or is it retribution ? Is it because I haven’t left any more chocolate cupcakes outside? Have my cupcakes led to an addiction that has now led to a life of crime? Have my panties been sold on the black market? I lie awake at night contemplating all the things you are doing with them, and frankly, some of those images are quite disturbing. Especially at night.

I am willing to forgive you for your vandalism of my private property and the petty theft from your panty raid, if you return the bloomers unharmed. Just hang them on the back doorknob and walk away.

No questions asked. I promise.