At 5 a.m. on Friday, the moon was partially full with clouds scuttling across it. The birds were singing in stereo. I know this because I was taking out the trash while I waited for my ride. I even watched the sunrise over the water Friday morning, and day-dreamed about my bed at home.
I spent Friday and Saturday at the Christian Musicians Summit, but I felt a bit out of place. The Summit included corporate worship times, as well as sessions for lead worshipers, musicians, technicians, songwriters, and artists. I didn’t realize what a big deal it was until I looked at the website Thursday afternoon. Some of the clinicians and worship leaders are well-respected in the industry, like Matthew West, Rebecca St. James, Lincoln Brewster, and Mia Fieldes. So I went emergency shopping – I needed snacks and clothes! I wanted to look cool, but not like mutton dressed up as lamb.
From 9-5, I attended intense workshops and experienced amazing worship times.
In the evenings, I danced at the rock concerts. I was among the oldest in my immediate group, and the most active. What can I say? I just wanted to have fun! (And I was extremely tired and had been without caffeine for more than 24 hours…) I think they thought I was nuts!
For the past year or more, I have had questions that weigh heavily on my mind. Someone had asked me if I was a worship leader, and I didn’t know how to answer. I’m not sure what my role is? Where I fit in? What I’m supposed to be doing, or how I can grow? There’s no rubric or job description when you’re involved in a ministry; no road map pointing out the direction to go. The “constructive criticism” (or the omission of comment) has been wearing away my confidence. I am often my own worst enemy as I wrestle with feelings of doubt and inadequacy. But I still want to give my best to God and be obedient, wherever, and however I may be called. I have so much from this weekend to digest. But I can say that as I watched the sun set over the water coming home Saturday night, I am feeling refreshed.