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I will never trust a man to give me directions ever again…even when he uses a map book…particularly if I am related to him…by marriage or blood. This past Friday I made another road trip in long-weekend traffic with Little Guy, heading to my folks. Because I got “lost” last time when I went a little “off-road”, I received some advice on how to go cross-country to the highway. I followed the advice perfectly until I got to the highway…only to discover that a) there’s no on-ramp at that location; b) I was back on Victoria Street (where I ended up recently; c) no one was moving east on Victoria Street due to construction…I had to do drive west to make a U-turn, and wasted precious time in traffic…

Once we hit the highway, we were moving…slowly but steadily forward. And that was fine with me, since it gave me more time to observe the interesting characters on the road.

There was the Red Sentra who kept changing lanes in front of me. I empathized with his intense need to go faster, but I failed to understand his theory…since both lanes were moving at the same pace…so all he was doing was weaving back and forth across the yellow dotted line. Maybe he just needed some entertainment. I couldn’t wait to get past him – I was starting to get dizzy! On the plus side, his turn signals did work!

I could understand his frustration… the passing lane was being held up by Champagne Corolla. Let’s review the rules of the road. When there are 3 lanes of traffic on a highway, the farthest right-hand lane is the driving lane. There are even large signs on the right-hand sign of the road (for those who get left and right mixed up – no comments from the peanut gallery please) to remind you that “Slow Traffic Keeps Right”. The middle lane is meant for passing a slower-moving vehicle in the driving lane. The far left-hand lane is then meant for cars wanting to pass slower cars in the middle lane.  We were all trapped by Champagne Corolla’s refusal to “get out of the line”…We drove for miles upon miles behind the Champagne Corolla…Soccer Mom Van tailgated him; several vehicles screamed by him in the middle lane and cut him off…but still, he wasn’t budging. Even after Pompous Pick-up roared past the line and cut it so close in front of Champagne Corolla that 10 of us nearly met our Maker. I became John Pinette, screaming in a deeply strained voice:

The gas station was not much better…there was a line up there too. To the driver of the Blue Matrix…when there’s a line up of cars waiting to get gas, it is NOT the best time to use the squeegee to wash…your whole car…

Or how about the guy who parked near the curb at Tim Horton’s…he had at least another car length to go before his bumper would hit the curb. He reminded me of some of the drivers I’ve seen on Canada Worst Driver…It took him a long time to back out, creating yet another line just to get into the parking lot…

There were Bumper Bullies, Selfish Speeders, Wacky Weavers…and old-fashioned Morons!! We eventually arrived (safely) at my folks and I simmered down with a hot cup of tea before we went out for supper. When we arrived at the restaurant, there was a line…can you see where this is going?

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To hear John Pinette’s own frustrations with lines, click here.

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