What would possess a grown, seemingly-normal looking man, to glue a pint-sized Batman figurine to his car’s dashboard? Seriously, this is not a trick question. It’s a question that managed to steal 10 minutes of my time yesterday on what should have been a relaxing drive in the country (except for that brief moment when perky blonde’s Mom attempted to make my car door her new hood ornament).
It really was a small and unassuming Batman…perched right there in the centre of the dashboard of the car beside me, at a red light. The driver was an ordinary looking guy: white, glasses, short hair, green t-shirt. He was staring straight ahead, one arm leaning on the open window. Even his car was unassuming: blue sedan, 4 doors, not new. It isn’t particularly abnormal to see tokens on car dashboards, but the items are usually religious or cultural…I don’t think Batman fits either category.
The light turned green, and I safely turned left…but I couldn’t stop obsessing about Batman…Was Batman a childhood hero who had helped this guy survive a childhood trauma? Was he a memento from his sweetheart, a memorial to someone he lost, or a souvenir from a drunken trip in college? Did this guy lose a bet? Was he trying to piss off his wife, mark his property, or hold on to his manhood? Did Batman belong to this guy’s kid…or was he hoping Batman would attract a kid? Was it to lure unsuspecting females to his vehicle (with his “Daddy of the Year” image), where he drugs them, brainwashes them and forces them to join his harem and weave baskets all day? Could he be an evil genius trafficking wicker baskets by day and hosting killer fluffy bunny fights at night?
What does a killer fluffy bunny, harem-loving, basket-weaving sweat shop cult leader look like? Most of the sketch artist renditions on the 5 o’clock news show guys wearing hoodies and aviator sunglasses with 2-day old beard growth…who’s to say there wasn’t a lacy pink bra under that green t-shirt, like the firefighter in the series, Orange is the New Black? Maybe this guy has a Robin tattoo on his right…bicep…and bad teeth from smoking too many strawberry licorice whips…Where’s the nearest candy store?
I don’t know if he was married or single – there were no family stick-people decals on the back of his car. You know, the telltale signature from overachieving parents over-sharing their great skills and ability to produce multiple kids with great skills. Like we needed to know that Dad BBQs, Harry, Larry and Mary do sports, and Mom carries a briefcase! Don’t forget the cat, Sir Farts-a-lot…and the fish, not belly-up in his bowl. (Just once – I’d like to see Dad with a beer gut, the kids playing in the dirt and Mom on a stripper pole…it would just make my car ride more enjoyable…Watch out world – if the sticker families annoy you too, it’s only a matter of time before someone launches a website where these car vandals can upload and Photoshop their Selfies for 3 easy installments of $4.99 plus shipping and handling)
I safely arrived at my destination no closer to an answer to the Batman dashboard mystery, or what dastardly motive this unassuming guy had for placing him there…so beware! He’s still out there…
…and he might have candy…