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I am not a morning person. So, when Hubby asked me if he could spend money on a crack ho for the house, I was more than a little confused.

Maybe I should start further back…For some of you, the thought of crawling out of bed at 10:30 on a Saturday morning is ridiculous, decadent, or just plain shameful. I had been awake for a long time before that; it’s hard not to be when Captain Underpants (aka Little Guy) comes bounding in bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (precisely because it’s not a week day and he doesn’t have to go to school. School mornings can be another story…). He even brought me breakfast in bed…too bad he didn’t tell me there was a bowl of cereal getting soggy on the bed stand…but it’s the thought that counts, right?

Back to the conversation with Hubby:

Hubby: (sitting at his laptop at the dining room table – without glancing up, casually asks) Can I spend money on a crack ho for the house?

Me: (standing one room over in the kitchen, sneaking a bowl of non-soggy cereal) Um…pardon me?

Hubby: Can I spend $50 on a crack ho for the house?

Me: (still confused) How would a crack ho help our house?

Hubby: Well, to get rid of the dandelions and the weeds in our cracks.

Me: (increasingly confused facial expression as I picture a prostitute in our back yard. Wouldn’t that drag down our property value? ) Right…

Hubby: I could get a skinny one. You just stick her in the ground, and run the water, and it loosens stuff up so you can reach in the hole and pull everything out.

Me: (stunned into silence)

Hubby: I could always buy a half moon ho instead. Or a slim draw ho, or a diamond shuffle ho, or a wheel ho, or a collinear ho….what about a hula ho?

Me: (stunned and very confused facial expression, as the mental image of a half-mooning ho invades my caffeine-deprived brain…) Um…what website are you on?

Hubby: (also looking confused) It’s [insert name of store here]. I’m looking at gardening tools.

Me: (Light bulb) Oh….a crack hoe, not a crack ho!!…to get rid of the weeds in the cracks of our sidewalk, not….Gotcha’!

(Warning: This conversation is based on an actual conversation. Parts of it may have been fabricated and/or embellished for creative purposes. No hoes or hos were harmed in the retelling of this story. )