I have a new problem…my jeans seem to be getting bigger, especially around the waist and…ah…rear! It has even happened to my newest pair of coloured jeans. I find that even though the number on the scales hasn’t changed much, I am constantly hiking and adjusting my jeans. It’s a good problem to have, but it’s still a problem.
So I went shopping at a discount brand store while Little Guy was in karate. I don’t need jeans that bag and sag…and drag me down behind! 11 pairs – I tried on 11 pairs of jeans…from boot cut to skinny jeans…and I couldn’t find a single pair that fit well enough…behind, that I couldn’t grab less than an inch of fabric in each hand.
Shopping can be an expensive exercise in self-loathing, so I tried to find some information to equip me for the next trip, but I found conflicting reports. For example, for Flat Tush Troubles, add curves with jeans with flap pockets, heavy embellishment or embroidery. Even better, aim for jeans with slightly higher back pockets. But, for Petite Women (I’m 5′ 1½”), no pockets, or pockets without embellishment or embroidery are best! There was advice for top heavy women, bootylicious women, curvy women, tall women…you get the picture? I started out with one problem, only to discover that there was conflicting advice for managing each additional…um…problem area.
Then there was advice based, not on height or problem areas, but on shape – apples, pears, and hourglasses (apparently there’s no fruit equivalent for hour glass?), and for me, the recommendation was boot-cut…which is fine except that I read somewhere else that short people shouldn’t wear boot-cut jeans. Can you sense my frustration?
More research for baggy bum issues led me into the startling (and slightly disturbing) world of Booty boosters, butt boosters, padded panties, push-up butt bras, and derriere bands. I’m not going to elaborate at this time because I’m still digesting the rather graphic images, but to say that these devices look like torture would be an understatement. I remember my grandmother (who is now 97) talking about hating to put on her corset when she went “visiting” and as far as she was concerned, one of the best things that came out of women’s lib was getting rid of girdles. If she only knew…