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Have you ever tried squeezing into a pair of jeans, one size smaller, by lying on the floor and contorting your body in a series of mind-blowing yoga moves? Me neither! Especially these days…my ego can’t take the disappointment! And I’m worried about breaking a hip. As horrible as that sounds, the world’s heaviest jeans sound like an instrument of torture or a cruel injury to health, much like corsets, girdles, and stays. Their creator, Brandon Svare describes them – “It’s like wearing three pairs of jeans at once…They’re 32 oz., indigo, rope-dyed, Japanese selvedge denim…Guaranteed uncomfortable or your money back”.

You can try to purchase these jeans from Naked & Famous, for only $495 (should I point out that my wedding dress only cost $500, which seemed extravagant at the time?). The company has also produced glow-in-the-dark jeans ($200), raspberry scratch-and-sniff jeans ($150) or jeans made from a blend of cashmere and silk. The world’s heaviest jeans are so tough that they can stand up on their own. This gimmick may sound outrageous to “normal” people, but jean geeks are buying them up! Apparently, for those customers who brave the “breaking in” period, a thick, white underlying material will eventually reveal itself as the jeans fade, as a result of the rope-dyeing process. The denim is twisted into rope before being coloured, and in time it will “fade in the knees, lap crease and ankle bunches to reveal a beautiful honeycomb interior”.

While I can appreciate a great fitting pair of jeans (which are extraordinarily hard to find – I do not have Pippa Middleton’s butt), I cannot imagine purposely spending $500 on an item of clothing made with material as thick as a carpet or military tent, and that causes me (more) physical pain. Now Naked & Famous plans to treat jeans with a “thermochromic wash that will change colour depending on body temperature”. Mood jeans? Are we going to witness a bunch of middle-aged women’s hot flashes? I think I’ll stick to what I’ve got…and maybe work on my yoga moves!

References: “When it comes to fashion, denim hurts” by Martin Patriquinn, Maclean’s Magazine, April 23, 2012, http://www2.macleans.ca/2012/04/17/canadian-made-worlds-heaviest-jeans/